I Need This To Stop

[sun seeker]

And also, anyone know any songs on the topic of surviving terrible pain and finding life again?

 

[ladee]

Ya...We Are the Champions!

 

[sun seeker]

Thanks ladee. That's a new one to me.

 

[sun seeker]

I still want desperately just to die. And I can't see any possible solution to that.

 

[erigby]

Dear @sun seeker do you have a crisis line where you are?
The reason I ask is I have called mine here on a couple of occasions and they have been very helpful.
The primary thing they have offered...which may be help for you right now...is to send someone out to me and talk with me and assess where I am and if need be...they could take me to the hospital.
I have turned down that option several times but having a real live human body to talk to might be helpful.
The respondent on the phone was right when he said "sometimes you just need to have warm flesh and blood to talk to."
If you have a crisis line where you are...I encourage you to call it now.
The worst that can happen is you decide to hang up instead of talk to someone.
If/when you call...be patient with the automated crap at the beginning...I promise you a thoughtful human being will eventually be on the other end.
Also, have you thought about how you might end your life?
Do you have a plan you are considering acting out or do you have fantasies about how you might end it all?
I ask because I have had a plan for sometime but most of my SI is impulsive... in the moment (or hours...sometimes even days) despair.
For some reason...I am still here.
In those moments...there was no way out.
Are you being treated for depression along with your PTSD?
I ask because for me...the depression is where the SI gets me.
Starting on my first round of antidepressants dramatically increased my SI.
Have you recently started a new antidepressant?
Lastly, do you have a therapist?
If so...is there anyway you can contact him/her? When is your next appointment? Can you focus on that?
I want you to live and I want you to believe you can live and that this madness, despair, and endless wasteland is not forever...though I know it seems like it is now.
My suicidal moods are often all I can see...amazingly enough...they come and then they go.

 

[sun seeker]

If you have a crisis line where you are...I encourage you to call it now.

I have one; they don't have that service (sounds like a good idea under some circumstances though) but the few times I've ever called a crisis line I've had bad luck with who I get and ended up feeling worse than before calling. I gather from other horror stories on there that that isn't an unusual experience.

Have you recently started a new antidepressant?

Not recently, no.
Lastly, do you have a therapist?
Yes.

If so...is there anyway you can contact him/her?

No.

There is nothing I can point to and say "we're doing this for the depression" or "we're doing this for the PTSD." We do what seems needed at the time. But I don't think my suicidal ideation is really about depression. It's from living with too much pain for too long. That's the PTSD.

I want you to live and I want you to believe you can live and that this madness, despair, and endless wasteland is not forever...though I know it seems like it is now.

I do know they're not forever, but they sure have taken up a big chunk of my life. The trouble is, the more I work on my healing and STILL suffer horribly, the less hope I have that anything is ever going to work. Life starts to feel like a life sentence more than a life.

 

[barefoot]

Sorry that you're in so much pain at the moment @sun seeker

I can't get to sleep at the moment. Just laying awake with a head that's too busy and a sad ache that won't go away. So, probably not a very chirpy companion for you just now, but I'm here...

 

[The Albatross]

Hmmmm. "(title) I need this to stop" v.s." I still want desperately just to die. And I can't see any possible solution to that." Intensely personal and dunno how anyone is gonna help you myth bust that. Unless of course you'd care to go into depth more about what/how/why you say/think/feel you still desperately just want to die.

 

[joeylittle]

But I don't think my Suicidal ideation is really about depression. It's from living with too much pain for too long. That's the PTSD.

At a certain point, I don't know neurologically if it matters which is which. Either way, what you are living with is something like an engine running on no oil. Things overheat faster, get stuck...

And you are going on very little sleep, which does seriously make it much worse.

Keep finding those distractions. The things that get your mind occupied on a different track. You mentioned puzzles - those actually help me a lot. I really feel for you, and spend time where you are, I think. Try and remember that you aren't thinking clearly. The idea that death is the way out is just that: an idea. It's not actually the way out of anything.

Fatigue, depression, PTSD - they can make this perfect storm, and it can seem logical that you need to die to escape it. It's not logical, though. It's something like hallucinating a solution; a mirage.

I'm sorry you are struggling so much.

Distract. Even if you are pretty sure you won't sleep, give yourself permission to lay down and rest. Sleep can sometimes come, that way. Make sure you are drinking plenty of water, dehydration makes fatigue worse. Keep posting.

Thinking of you.

 

[sun seeker]

Make sure you are drinking plenty of water

Now, that is one thing I'm pretty sure I can do. Yay!!

I don't even remember saying anything about puzzles. I believe you, but my memory must be worse than I thought.

 

[joeylittle]

Anyone have any problems I can solve for them?

Funny conflation on my part - you wrote 'problems', I read 'puzzles'. :)

 

[sun seeker]

you wrote 'problems', I read 'puzzles'

Ah!

Well, I'd be willing to give it a try, but I'm not that great at puzzles at the best of times...