Other Narcissistic/emotional Abuse

[Wendy]

My therapist just recommended Toxic Parents book this morning. I plan to check it out. I'm currently rea...

You will LOVE Toxic Parents. Guaranteed! I have bought it for friends before.

I just remembered another book, "Adult Children of Alcoholic Parents" by Janet Woititz. My parents were not alcoholics but my grandfather was and this book totally nailed some of my mother's worst characteristics--the total need for control being a huge one. Even though I will never have a "real" mother, this book helped me understand how her issues were rooted her pathological family situation. I found the book very enlightening.

 

[Freedomfighter]

It has taken years for me to get to a point of understanding regarding my relationship with my mother. I...

Nope, have gotten no healing in that area. My dad was abusive and my mother had to totally submit in order to just survive. So many parenting choices were lost in childhood.
What I have found is that I have often entrusted in others who show those kind of qualities, fatherly or motherly traits, and I have realized that because of my perceived and often erroneous need for parental guidance that such individuals have abused this. My trauma throws me into simulative childhood experience sessions in which I will relive my childhood and will then show issues that remind of childhood neglect and abuse. During those times I am a very intimidated and frightened child which recently was taken as a green light by a vicious predator that is very knowledgeable of such trauma reactions of childhood abuse victims. To say that I am repulsed by that individual is putting it mildly.

I have also realized that when I encounter such traits in humans it makes me trust them emotionally, which in itself should not be a problem. However, it seems to be a favorite weapon of male predators to hone in on me when they recognize my PTSD and have private information about me which they should not have in the first place.
Unfortunately, predators will often use the parenting qualities, real or acted, in order to get close to victims. And often, as in my case, the victim does not recognize it until it is too late.

To say of course that such people are just vicious predators is an understatement.
And the same method of abuse has been used by male predators right at the time when I was going through a difficult divorce and trying to get away from an abuser, their repulsive tactics were used deliberately in an attempt to enrich themselves personally while driving a person that was already victimized towards death.

 

[Overcoming]

What I have found is that I have often entrusted in others who show those kind of qualities, fatherly or motherly traits, and I have realized that because of my perceived and often erroneous need for parental guidance that such individuals have abused this.

I relate to this soooo much. I have a fierce loyalty to people that I care about, so when someone enters my life in a motherly role, I give them my everything. That has come to bite me more than once, as I realized that they didn't have the same loyalty toward me and there can't be the same unconditional love that you'd have with a parent.

 

[selfcompassion]

It has taken years for me to get to a point of understanding regarding my relationship with my mother. I...

My mother had borderline personality disorder, then I married two narcissists, one classic, the other very covert, passive aggressive. I stopped contact with all of them at some point. Why? They were what they were. They were not going to change. Plus, it was the only way to protect myself from further neglect, abuse, and manipulations. There are people out there who are normal. They can give of themselves emotionally, feel compassion, and take accountibilty for their actions. There are people who don't need power and control in their relationships.
I had a lot of codependent behaviors to realize and over come. I was so conditioned by my mother that it wasn't funny. It has been a long hard journey of finding my true real self. I had to learn to mother myself.

 

[Elaine Valent]

It has taken years for me to get to a point of understanding regarding my relationship with my mother. I...

I have lived through all of the abuse you describe, and there is no easy solution.
When I had my own child, and saw that he to was being affected, I finally had the courage to demand we seek councilling as a family. My demands were refused, and so with a heavy heart , I broke off contact. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but absolutely the best decision.
I cried for a long time and wished that things were different, but it then became my moms choice on weather or not we would have a relationship. She decided not, and that actually was the best thing for me.
Through the years I've had older women friends who become more of a mother to me than mine ever was.
I wish you peace. That's what I finally have.

 

[I_will_recover]

I haven't had a chance to read all of the replies yet (I do plan to so I can send a more detailed message) but I wanted you to know that I feel like I'm reading about myself. Your mother and my mother may be soul sisters. I'm soooo deprived of touch I actually dreamed I was yelling, "why didn't you hug me?!?!" recently. The last real hug I got (November) I was so desperate for that connection I wasn't hugging back - I was clinging on for dear life, crushing my friend, afraid it would end too soon.

If you are able to accept it here's a hug for you :hug:

 

[selfcompassion]

Types have this disorder. They just are not codependent...we are. It is a highly complex multilayered issue, I have studied my whole life.

 

[I_will_recover]

They just are not codependent...we are.

Whoa, you just blew my mind!!!
I would have gone my whole life unaware of this had you not stated it.

 

[selfcompassion]

Whoa, you just blew my mind!!!
I would have gone my whole life unaware of this had...

The narcissist / codependent dynamic is well written about....Dr Ross Rosenberg. They will not change, but we can address our codependency related to this issue.

 

[Sarah726]

Adult daughter here of a malignant Narcissistic personality disorder mother--- narcissistic personality disorder especially the malignant type is one of if not THE most destructive personality disorders there are... these people have no ability for empathy, love or common mutual respect and consideration to another persons feelings or needs--- they are a predator and view others as a means of meeting the supply they crave... they engage with the skill of an expert manipulation and triangulation of their children--- pitting siblings against each other who more times Han not are not aware they are being manipulated-- because the narcissistic mother is so highly skilled in manipulating, she will tell one child her sibling spoke ill of her and then deny having saidnitnto other sibling.. thus creating an atmosphere of distrust and resentment among the siblings.. she will also use sympathy as a means to achieve her goals--- for example an elderly npd mother will pull out the "I'm just an old lady" card anytime she needs to gain support or to get another person to do what she wants, and if she has more than one child she will classically place one child into the scapegoat role and another child as the golden child. The golden child she will give perks of praise and other rewards in a bid to keep golden child's support-- and will usually use the golden child as her "flying monkey" the person she turns to do her bidding. Example : npd mother who has a grandiose belief she is entitled to admiration and special treatment gets easily angered even enraged when others don't reflect this view back to her. She expects others to comply with her wishes or demands. Real life example-- my npd mother went to bank-- she felt the teller was rude to her (meaning the teller didn't coddle and do whatever she wanted) so npd mother calls up her golden child son..."I'm sorry to bother you Tom, (she's not sorry really to intrude on his time at work she just says that to be solicitious..) but the bank teller was quite rude to me... you know I think he was trying to take advantage of me being a little old lady.. I don't suppose you could call and have a word with him could you? It's so upsetting to me and well you know my doctor said I should keep my stress down..oh dear it's hard being an old lady, son, people try to take advantage of me"--- golden child son takes the bait, knowing he's rewarded for being the savior "sure okay mom I'll call the bank and demand they apologize and take off the overdraft fee" That is the narcissistic mother in action. Golden child gets a pat on the head and praise for being such a good son while at the same time also putting down his sibling "you know I wish that Danielle would help me with some of these things but I love her but she just doesn't seem to care.... I hate to say it son, I wonder because she's selfish and uncaring about MY needs I wonder if she has a mental problem...??" Golden child " hmm you could be right... well I'm glad that I'm here for you". Golden child is basically being shaped into a narcissist themselves.

 

[Kintsugi]

Golden child is basically being shaped into a narcissist themselves.

The children of NPD parents often take on NPD traits as survival skills, is my understanding. I believe my brother is a narcissist, and he was the main person I attached to as a child, and ever since realizing this, I see that a lot of my BPD-ish/NPD-ish manipulative qualities stem from using him and my mother as role models in addition to attempting to understand their words and actions and predict who and how I had to be to avoid the most conflict possible.

Sorry if that.came out garbled.

I really love this YouTuber: Link Removed

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I can relate, Toxic Parents is such a great book! So is emotional blackmail by the same author. I had two Narc parents and am just coming to terms with it, both are out of my life and are both deceased. I have no contact with my sibs either because of the dysfunction among us. I am pretty messed up by both parents but I really hated my mom. I needed so much physical contact from her but she did not have it to give at all.

I can relate to all of the posters here who responded and this is a great thread, thank you so much. I do not have much to offer but watching Narcissistic Abuse on youtube videos has really opened up my eyes and got me in touch with so much so I am doing a lot better now but I am returning to therapy to work on my codependent issues and the rest that come with having Narc abusive, parents. You will be just fine in the end, I am sure of it.:hug: