I Accepted Help After My Surgery, And Now I'm Anxious I'm Failing Everyone

[Justmehere]

I had surgery on my leg about two weeks ago. It was to the point the doctors gave me a wheelchair to walk my dog... but even then, the surgery was elective and there was a high risk of it not working going into it. It seemed worth it as a long time swimmer who was desperate to be able to just swim again. I found some options to do adaptive swimming, but after a looong search for the right surgeon, and a few doctors who just about killed my hope, I decided to do the surgery. My doctor was amazing with it all, and so was the hospital staff -- which is a lot to say because doctors and hospitals are a massive trigger for me.

I'm just now getting to the other side of some post surgical complications, and some post surgery dissociation.

The chances of surgery working are, at best, 50/50. I am TRYING to stay hopeful. There was more to repair than expected, and I'm scared. I have to be super duper careful with everything, and very mindful of how I move in the braces and etc.

I'm struggling with a number of things emotionally. One of them is my fear it will fail. The fact that a number of people had to step in and help me get through some really awful days makes it even harder for me to not worry it won't work. Putting myself through hell is one thing. Putting others through difficult moments just for a shot of it working, is even harder.

I'm trying to let go. I'm trying to be positive. I'm trying to remind myself of positive post surgery affirmations like "I am learning how to help my body heal."

But what if it fails? My therapist says this fear connects to the message as a kid that if I was sick and needy, I was a failure just for being sick and needy.

But people really did have to help me through hard stuff and one of them was like puking at the end of it because they didn't realize it would be so hard. I didn't think it would be so hard either. I have everything to handle everything I could on my own. I hate asking for and accepting help. I've done everything to make it as easy on anyone who helps at all. From nurses to the janitor to friends to everyone. I'm trying.

If I had not accepted help, there was a 100% chance of the surgery failing - so the chance of it working is the only reason I keep trying.

What if it fails? They all went through all this for nothing.

My therapist tries to remind me no one expect guaranteed outcomes with surgeries, and that there was a 100% chance of everything simply getting worse by not doing this. It was a good decision. And if I try to forget what everyone has done for me, I can agree with her. But if I remember that others have helped (and will continue to help me for a few more weeks), then all this so called false guilt rushes back.

Any suggestions how to think differently about this?

 

[scout86]

What if it fails? They all went through all this for nothing.

I don't think that's true. They all went through it because they wanted to help. You know, yourself, that helping someone else usually makes you feel good, right? So, you gave them the opportunity to give something to you, and make themselves feel useful in the process.

My T keeps telling me that the only purpose he can really see to life is "loving and being loved". By letting them help you, you contributed to that cycle and that's a 'Good" thing, regardless of the outcome. (But I hope the outcome is GREAT!) I've been wondering how you were doing, so I'm glad to see your post, and that the surgery is over.

 

[hodge]

It's all a positive, hon. The surgery, the people who participated in it, the aftercare helpers -- all positive. That's why they do their jobs -- they love helping!! We just gotta pray it worked and that you will be healed after this. All you have to do is your part in following instructions they all gave you to help this healing process. We'll be right here with you through it. :hug:

 

[EmmaOwl]

You are very brave! And you are having positive thoughts.... As evidenced by this:

If I had not accepted help, there was a 100% chance of the surgery failing

I wish I had something more helpful to say - other than I'm thinking of you! It's not a surprise to feel up and down. Simply being under anesthesia, all by itself, is stressful to the body. I can't imagine what you've been through. You will be well, one way or another. You TRY. That's one of the best things a person can do.

 

[Friday]

What if it fails? They all went through all this for nothing.

Nope. If it fails you may have gone through everything for nothing (although I don't believe that), but they went through it to help a friend. Which is already a success. Because that's what they set out to do; help a friend. So it's a success, each and every single time they do.