False Memories

[Snowflake]

Do you wonder if your memories are true or not, especially the early ones? How can a therapist tell?

 

[mrsmegan]

Yes. I wonder this all the time, like, was that really me? For me, it may be a form of denial.

I don't know that a therapist would be able to know either...

 

[garden]

Is it possible to repeatedly relive something that didn't happen? Are those memories that you don't want to remember, you know, the intrusive ones, just a figment of our imaginations? I've never doubted that all these things happened to me and my family growing up. I've always known it was all real, disturbing and disgusting, quite real, and in living color. I'm with mrsmegan about therapists, not sure that they would be able to know what's real or not for someone.

 

[Bristol]

I always doubt myself to, and whenever I tell my T something new I always follow with "but I can't prove it" she always tells me that doesn't matter, if I am carrying it around with me that is all she is worried about.

 

[Sideways]

Memories aren't perfect. Trauma or otherwise. I doubt mine almost as often as I believe them.

But then I think, how is it possible that I've ended up with symptoms that align so perfectly with a person who has been through CSA? And why would my brain spontaneously decide to mimmick being a CSA survivor, given life is a lot better not having gone through that?

And at that point, it stops mattering so much for me. Are they perfect memories? No. But I couldn't make up the symptoms, even if there was some kind of benefit in that, and I definitely couldn't make up the memories that I have - they're too messed up to be a spontaneous fictional creation.

If too many of the pieces fit, then at some point, acceptance is necessary. Albeit incredibly painful.

 

[garden]

too messed up to be a spontaneous fictional creation.

I couldn't help but laugh at this, in an almost looney tunes way, yet it's so true.

 

[Intrepid]

First, I right now am questioning memories I know are absolutely true, like when my grandfather molested me. I know it's real, but I don't want it to be. I had another memory of someone warning me if I ever told I'd go to jail. I know when it happened and where, but I am not able to remember who. It wasn't me grandfather. Sometimes I'd rather go blind than see their faces. I don't want to believe that anyone would treat me in the way that these people treated me.

I have thrown up walls of doubt, but the walls are mostly there out of fear. My therapists trust all my memories. They say things to support me, to keep me from falling back into numbness and denial.

Finally, the term "false memories" is used to categorically deny real events. Only perpetrators, and those who want to give perpetrators a benefit of a doubt, use it. I wouldn't trust anyone who said your memories are false. They may be pushed around, misplaced or corrupted due to the trauma, but not false.

 

[NightSky]

I have no idea if my memories are true. Sometimes I'm convinced they aren't. Sometimes I think they might be. I'm never convinced they are true. It has been a massive battle for me. As @Ragdoll Circus said, how would it be possible to have all of the symptoms? I had the symptoms before the "memories." Long before. But still. All I have are a few random snapshots. I also have years completely missing. I have no real moving memories until around ten years old. I'm starting to at least trust this doesn't come out of nowhere. My therapist has no way of knowing and she always leaves it open ended. We both feel like maybe those images are true, maybe they are in a sense right but not a perfect representation, etc but she always says it doesn't matter. (To me it has always mattered. But there's nothing I can do about it). Sometimes I wonder if I made it up for attention. But 20 years after the memories I've told almost no one so I guess it probably isn't for attention. I think the main thing is to heal however we can from whatever we need to heal from and of obsess about perfect accuracy. If possible.

 

[Snowflake]

Symptoms of CSA?

I just don't want my therapist thinking they are false and not telling me.

 

[NightSky]

Yes. Symptoms of CSA. No knowledge of any until I was in college and some flashbacks happened before I knew flashbacks were a thing.
I hesitate to ever share specifics with anyone (family, husband especially) because I won't incriminate someone unless I'm sure. And I don't think I'll ever be sure.
But when I shared specifics with my T I emailed her after the session and asked her if she believed me. It was a double edged sword. If I'm believed I feel guilty for lying. If I'm not believed I imagine I would feel very hurt and angry.
I think you could say exactly what you said, to your T. But I highly doubt your T would think they are false and not tell you.

 

[Sideways]

I just don't want my therapist thinking they are false and not telling me.

Do you know where this fear is coming from? What thoughts or beliefs or fears are driving this? There's a good chance your T won't have much of an opinion of "how true" they are, particularly since your T wasn't there, only you were...

It's okay to be fearful of not being believed, that's pretty common. It's what you do with it that counts. Can you learn from this fear hat you can be afraid of something but do it anyway?

Trusting your T, having them trust you back? That's scary. Makes sense it would cause fear.

 

[Snowflake]

Do you know where this fear is coming from? What thoughts or beliefs or fears are driving this?...

I'm doing EMDR I don't early memory. I only know bits and pieces nothing makes sense because it's a variety of stuff but no complete memory. A person out another forum asked if the memories were real. So now I'm second-guessing everything. I did research on false memories and I know it's possible I just hope that my therapist would be honest with me if she thought I was making it up .