Dealing With The Thoughts Of What Could Have Been

[Friday]

The problem I am having is that I can't seem to get past the idea of how different everything could have been,

That way lies madness.

 

[Bristol]

Back here reading through again. Im seeing my parents tonight after they dealt another blow on all this over the weekend. It was my mum's birthday yesterday so i need to try and play nice. Just need to hold my tongue and get out if their quick-ish i suppose but reading through your messages for a bit of strength :)

 

[Sea_lady]

Back here reading through again. Im seeing my parents tonight after they dealt another blow on all...

@Bristol1485 If you feel the need to speak about that new meeting, and how you felt about it and all, do not hesitate. The forum is here. You are not alone.

 

[Bristol]

@Bristol1485 If you feel the need to speak about that new meeting, and how you felt...

Thanks :) I don't even know how to put this rubbish into words. On the surface they are nice, we get on well, if they were always rubbish then it would be easier, why do they have to be so bad at this stuff but good on a daily basis, because I just feel like it's something about me that is wrong, something that I'm not doing right that makes them act like that about all the past crap. Urgh I don't know!

 

[Sea_lady]

@Bristol1485 I don't think you are the problem...

Are the people who attacked you related to your parents in some way? Because if it is the case, then, your parents may have felt horribly betrayed. If they share blood with the abusers, they may feel disgusted about themselves. Maybe they feel dirty too, deep inside, and ashamed?...

Relatives are also traumatized when a person they love has been victim of serious violence. They can go through many stages, including denial for instance - for a time, and some even display PTSD symptoms. For example, children of WWII victims who have never experienced war, but listened repeatedly to stories of their parents of that time can become traumatized too, and suffer from PTSD.

I'm not trying to find excuses for your parents. It's just that it is very complicated for everybody. It would surely help if they could speak with you about how they feel, but maybe they are not ready to open up. Sometimes, it's better to not push things... I can understand how difficult it can be for you to be with people who act like normal when the situation obviously isn't, but maybe they are just not ready yet to face.

Do you parents see a therapist? Or they prefer to remain confined in the "pretend as if nothing has never happened" phase?

My mother was also making as if life was fine. Problem is: she caught my father in the act of assaulting me when I was very young, and she talked about it as if it was nothing big, as if he ate too much dessert. She never protected me against him. She actually seemt to endorse his pervert thinking, telling me it was not fine for me to invite a friend who was a boy when I was 6 or 7 because my dad feared we might have sex together. Or she was once snapping at me, and call me "dumb" and then apologized with that excuse: "it's just that your father and I don't have sex anymore". I was in primary school. I hate my mother. I hate her, I will never forgive her. She put me in danger, chose to be the accomplice of a predator rather than protect her little girl she used like a doll, and abused. She died when I was 10, so I'll never be able to confront her.

I don't know how your own mother behave. If she refuse to speak about the problem but act with you decently, she may simply try to protect herself and she will need time to process. If on the other hand she takes the side of your abusers, then... I guess that changes everything.

 

[Bristol]

My first and worst abuser was my aunty's boyfriend (mum's sister) second was my dad. So its a big complicated mess. I dont think my parents have ever seen a therapist they still like to pretend nothing has ever happened, we just dont talk about anything from when i was between 4 years old and 17 years old because its a minefield. Im sorry you never got to confront your mum i dont want to keep all this buried from my mum and have that on my conscience but i dont see why it falls to me when it should be them trying to fix it i suppose

 

[Sea_lady]

My first and worst abuser was my aunty's boyfriend (mum's sister) second was my dad. So its a big c...

I see... So, tell me if I understand correctly, your mother does not accept that your father has abused you... Is that correct? hat was your mother's role; did she know, or not? Because:

• knowing and doing nothing = being the accomplice of a crime. That would imply she shares a part of responsibility in what happened to you, and she should provide with explanations, apologies, at least. So, in this case, pretending as if nothing happened is just not tolerable.

• if she didn't know, and has learnt about it afterwards, she is not guilty. She is then an indirect victim.

I understand now better why you feel so hurt. It is a horrible situation... I completely understand your need for confrontation, and setting things right. Your need is legitimate. Now, it all depens what was the role of your mother. Was she an accomplice or another victim? It is important to understand who is what before engaging in talks, because one does not speak to a victim the same way they address an offender.

Do you still live with your father? Do you have to meet him too during this family gathering?... Are you dependant on your parents, for example financially?

I think it is safe to say you should stay away from your abusers as much as possible - for your own health and protection.

 

[Bristol]

I dont think she knew but she took his side, when the police investigated i had to leave the house he stayed. They are still together so i see him all the time. I dont think its so much that i have the issue with its just the lack of validation across the board and the way we go about life having resolved nothing. Once the police finished we never talked about anything ever again on either fronts. Im not dependant on them im married now and have my own house i think i just wish they would recognise what happened

 

[Sea_lady]

There is maybe a subtle way to send your message...

If I were you, I'd tell my mother I refuse to see my father again. Cut him out of your existence, for good. If your mother invites you and he is there, just go. If you can't reach your mother with talks yet, maybe she will start to understand if you change your behaviour. Not seeing one's parent is not ordinary, and she will be forced to stop pretending everything's okay when the "normality" will be radically disrupted.

That way, you will not be forced to face your abusers ever again, and you will be protected from triggers, flashbacks and nightmares that seeing him could cause you. What I mean is... You do not have to play that game of pretending if you don't want to. It can stop for good. You don't have to suffer from it anymore. All you have to do is state, clearly, that you refuse to see your father again, and act accordingly.

Your mother recognition may come afterwards. I don't know when, nor how long it will take...

@Bristol1485: Please, keep in mind (always!): YOU ARE CLEAN and YOU ARE GOOD. If there is someone who should be ashamed, embarrassed, guilty and feel dirty, it is your father and the other man who has hurt you. They took advantage of your vulnerability, your trust, and your childhood. Someday, maybe, I hope...Your mother will recognize that, but for now, if she can't or don't want to, let her. If she put the blame on you, do not believe that. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are INNOCENT. Make that clear, stay consistant, and move on with your life.

Focus on your own safety, healing and protection. Keeping in touch with your father sounds dangerous, and toxic for you... You have now to take care of yourself, and put your needs first - even if that means destroying your mother's illusions of normality.

 

[Weedflower]

been forced to face this week my relationship with my family regarding the past. I was abused as a...

My professor gave me some very excellent advice about my own trauma this week: if you have some kind of family secret that no one is supposed to talk about...then talk about it. Because if you don't, not only will it eat you alive, it will allow the perpetrators to think they can get away with it so to speak.

And my therapist has always told me that talking about what happened with family is not only healthy, but vital to moving on. It may turn out that your family refuses to hear you out and choose to live in denial. Maybe. But for now, you should keep trying to talk about it with them. The most immediate sort of validation we need with the pain we have experienced is that someone, especially those we love, believe us and will help us and protect us.

 

[Bristol]

Thank you @Sea_lady and @Weedflower. I know that not seeing them anymore is logical and if it was anyone else i would give them the same advice i just cant bring myself to hurt them even though i know that its going to destroy me in the long run. I also totally get the idea that i should make them talk about it all but i still struggle with talking about it with T so think im a way off being able to talk to them about it. It feels like such an impossible situation to navigate through and part of me just wants to hide and not face it, maybe i am my mother's daughter! I do really appreciate all your support :)

 

[Sea_lady]

Thank you @Sea_lady and @Weedflower. I know that not seeing t...

Take all the time you need, @Bristol1485. Please, don't feel bad if you can't do what you feel should be done. Like I said, such situations are very complicated and difficult. One problem with incestuous abuses is that there is an emotional bond with the abuser that pre-exists, which is very hard to cut it. It takes time.

So, please, don't be too hard on yourself if you can't do what you feel is the most sensible, okay?

Things can be done gradually. For example, find excuses if your mother invites you and you know your dad will be there. You can also reduce the number of visits. Maybe your mum will eventually figure out on her own? It will take time, and you can take all the time you need. No pressure. = )