Trouble Talking...

[BoN-bOn]

I am realizing more & more that there are SO many things that I've never shared with anyone. My T is gradually pulling it out of me little by little, but there are things that I just CAN'T say. She asked me if I thought I would ever just be able to talk about it matter-of-factly....I don't know! Honestly, at this point I don't know if I will be able to. I can talk about the gist of what happened, but that's as far as I can go & even that is uncomfortable. If I try to talk about any more of it I just zone out/dissociate. I feel like such a CHILD! I just feel dirty & disgusting. This is so hard! :banghead:

 

[Killashandra]

I know exactly what you mean. I am quite happy listening to others than talking about me. I think its usually because i have no filter, i talk openly about what happened to me not the CSA but the neglect and abuse from narcisstic parents.. because it feels normal if you know what i mean. Only to find that its not normal.. and they look at me as if they pity me.. so i dont talk. My husband doesnt know half of what i have done in my life and until recently didnt know i lived in veiw of an active volcano.. lol i give bare basics in conversation and expect everyone to carry on with the talking... dont feel childish hun, its not. Its just we've been conditioned to think our voice doesn't matter..

If you get any tips or ideas let me in on it ok..

 

[Copper Princess]

I have this very same problem. It has taken me a while but I am just telling her a little at a time. Like the last session we talked about something that happened and then I started to panic so we started talking about the feelings I was having talking about it instead.

It may take you a long time and that is OK. You cannot rush these things. It will happen just be patient and kind to yourself. (((Hugs)))

 

[Beaglefan61]

It is easy to feel dirty and disgusting and internalize that even though it was the person hurting us who really was. It can be hard about. It is okay for you to say how afraid you are of talking. Going little by little is sometimes needed. It is painful. If scared you would dissociate and your therapist knows that, maybe she can help find strategies to help you pull back if you do. That if you need safety and just say a bit at a time until you are ready for more, that is okay. So much of our pain came from what we weren't ready for anyhow. You need safety now in how it comes out.

 

[BoN-bOn]

Thank you. I'm the same way. Just keep it all to myself & it never seems important enough to share with others.

 

[BoN-bOn]

It is easy to feel dirty and disgusting and internalize that even though it was the person hurting...

I guess I am doing okay. I have shared a lot with her. She told me it's okay if I dissociate, she will bring me back. This is harder than I ever imagined it would be.

 

[Sunshineturtle]

I am realizing more & more that there are SO many things that I've never shared with anyone. My T is g...

The thing is, if the abuse happened to you as a child, it is the child speaking, or not able to find the words. If the abuses happened as an adult, often times the abuser takes that voice from us. I would try journaling first. Write it.. start with i remember when, or one time he... that helps to start talking about it as a story in your life, just matter of factly like your t is saying and bring that to her. She xan read it, out loud , and it will be the MOST uncomfortable feeling in the world, but it starts the conversation. You will weep as you write. It will hurt, but no more than you already do. Stay strong. You can do this.

 

[BoN-bOn]

The thing is, if the abuse happened to you as a child, it is the child speaking, or not able to...

That makes a lot of sense, @Sunshineturtle . I probably should write or try to journal, but I kind of have mixed feelings about putting it on paper. When my mom died, she purposely left a lot of journals that were hurtful & I vowed to never, ever do that to my child. Not that there would be anything hurtful towards HIM in what I write, but I just wouldn't want him to be left with that. Maybe if I just type it out & delete it that would be okay.

 

[Sunshineturtle]

That makes a lot of sense, @Sunshineturtle . I probably should write or try to jour...

I keep mine in a safe.. after i have completed therapy, or have processed enough of what i couldn't initially say, i believe that i will have a bonfire.. symbolic, closure, but also, no one is left to know anything that I didn't even want to remember. My memories were repressed, and I am working though emdr and brain spotting, to remember to process and heal. So, you can decide what to do with yours for your closure, but don't let that concern for tjat future event halt your current healing..

Sorry about spelling .. big fingers, little keyboard on phone..

 

[Missycat]

Hi @BoN-bOn ,
I think @Sunshineturtle makes a good point re struggling to say things as a child would -assuming the abuse happened in childhood. I know that i struggle to say any sexual words when i am talking about what happened to me and it has taken a lot of sessions and some emdr for me to open up. I couldnt talk in detail to my T ( i would dissociate , i still do a lot) so i wrote it down , usually following a flashback or nightmare and when i read some of it , it doesnt read the same as i would usually write. My T says that is because i am writing it as i would have at the age of the abuse. I send it to her on email to discuss at next session. It has been really painful to have her read it but she does it in small chunks and then we work on me staying present. When processing painful memories she also breaks this into small chunks ie asks me to think of the memory from the start but only for 6 seconds , we then break (sometimes use emdr with this approach) and the time increases as i become more comfortable . I have found i stay more present nreakjng it in to manageable chunks.
I hope you are able to sort something that works for you hun x :hug:s
You can PM me if you want any futher info/ detail , if you like

 

[BoN-bOn]

Hi @BoN-bOn ,
I think @Sunshineturtle makes a good point re stru...

Thank you @Missycat ...it does makes perfect sense about it coming from the child. It seems like when I'm with my T I just can't even find the words & then I feel so silly! I have found breaking it up into mabagable parts has been helpful because when I start letting the memories flow, they all come back at once & become too overwhelming. Thank you for your advice!

 

[Killashandra]

I would try journaling first. Write it.. start with i remember when, or one time he... that helps to start talking about it as a story in your life, just matter of factly like your t is saying and bring that to her.

The thing is, if the abuse happened to you as a child, it is the child speaking, or not able to find the words. If the abuses happened as an adult, often times the abuser takes that voice from us

This is so true, I have come across some very disturbing repressed memories doing just that, Journaling, it allowed the alters to express themselves in a way that they communicate, myself for instances, I have a little girl,that's scared and doesn't know what's going on, through Journaling she is able to express herself in her childlike vocabulary some things that I had completely repressed, and what it is that worries her and the emotions that course through her.

I can tell the difference with both language and handwriting which alter is in charge, my hand writing changes depending on who it is that is writing..
I can then take my journal along with me to sessions to discuss with my T the implications of what is written and how to deal with it without actually having to say those words we don't want to hear..

What has helped the most with this is the memory validation, it's like a weight has been lifted, and the thoughts that I must be crazy disappears and I no longer dwell on that particular memory, all my memories are jumbled or repressed.. lol