Sexual Assault Im Not Sure If I Can Call It Sexual Assault ??

[alis]

Hey, I am new here, and I am guessing there's a lot of posts like these, so I will try my best to keep it short as possible... basically my question, is this even bad enough to have counted as sexual assault or am I just making things out of my head that don't exist, honestly?

Party scenario. I'm drinking a lot. Friends of friends are buying me and my friends a lot of drinks. I notice a man throughout the night staring and trying to get close to me. I feel uncomfortable and have a bad vibe from him. I tell a lot of my friends I'm with about it. I do things like (hey can you dance with me this guy is trying to approach me.) I finally have a conversation with this guy, I tell him explicitly I'm not interested, no. He says okay, he will leave.

Fast forward more time. More drinks. I am at the point of stumbling, slurring words, not very coherent.

The party is over. My friends have dispersed. I'm still there. The man is still there. I thought he left. I end up in his car, but he doesn't physically force me in or anything like that, I do so on my own accord, right? I don't remember the car ride, I don't remember much about getting to his apartment. Then I remember him kissing me, ripping off my clothes. I remember flashes of the encounter. I remember freezing, feeling paralyzed, but not saying no during the act. I remember wishing it to be over but I never screamed or pushed him away I just let it happen. Mind you, I'm also not sexually or romantically attracted to men in the first place either. Fast forward the next morning: I messaged him saying I was uncomfortable with what happened. He seemed shocked because he thought it was consensual, maybe I am crazy. I remember pain the next morning. But no bruising or physical signs. Just pain.

this happened a few months ago now but it is difficult for me to function still and a part of me blames myself for feeling this way and that I have no right to feel this way because there are people with much worse scenarios and i never said no during the encounter.. I had an episode last week where I almost jumped from a bridge because of a dissociation occurrence maybe unrelated.


I'm sorry this might have gone on a long tangent, apologies if it has, and thank you for reading.


-A

 

[Casey_03]

He obviously took advantage of you. If you were falling over drunk and barely coherent, my guess is he saw that as his chance to get what he wanted from you. I would consider this rape, because you really weren't capable of consenting. You're not being crazy.


I think it would be really difficult to prove this was rape in a court of law (at least, in a U.S. court), but yes, I'd say it was rape. I've known way too many people who've wound up in exactly the same situation, and the worst part is they end up torturing themselves and doubting themselves because a) they can't fully remember the events of the night and b) they feel like they can't really consider it rape and start thinking they must be overreacting. That's the worst. You're not crazy or overreacting.

I don't know how drunk this guy was, but it sounds like he was acting like a predator all night. I guess it's possible that he may have also been ridiculously drunk and didn't realize you were way too drunk to consent .... but it seems more likely that he was watching you and hoping you'd get drunk and incoherent so that he could swoop in.

 

[ladee]

Hi Ali's and welcome.
No need to minimize your experience. We don't compare traumas , we just try to support and encourage each other.
Just because you didn't say no doesn't mean it was ok.
Not clear how intoxicated you were but I do understand saying nothing and wanting it over.
Possibly getting a Therapist to help you work thru this would be very helpful for you.
It took courage for you to share and reach out.
Glad you are here.

 

[alis]

He obviously took advantage of you. If you were falling over drunk and barely coherent, my guess is he...

thank you so much for your reply. He claims to have been drunk after I messaged him about it but I never saw him drinking much all night, he didn't appear it or act like it at all, and he drove behind a wheel without crashing or doing anything? Which I know isn't saying much but I was under the impression the way he was messaging me was just to put the blame back on me and make up excuses that may or may not have been true? it really did feel like I said no, then he waited for me to get drunk enough to sweep me away.

I know there's zero way to prove it in court, and I would have no desire to ever go to court. but when my head is spinning its reassuring to be validated if that makes sense.

 

[alis]

Hi Ali's and welcome.
No need to minimize your experience. We don't compare traumas , we just try to sup...

agree it is completely unhealthy and un-necessary to compare anything, It is so so difficult for me not to minimize it, but I am trying to work it through with a therapist now already, thank you so much I am glad to be here.

I'm considering bringing up trying some anti-anxiety meds because of the dangerous situation I was in involving harming myself.

 

[Casey_03]

You should block him and not have any further contact with him. Not that he's likely to hurt you or anything, but it will be harder for you to heal if he's still able to contact you. Focus on yourself and get rid of that self-doubt and idea that you are somehow crazy or overreacting.

 

[ladee]

That sounds like you are very on top of this. Glad to hear you are in therapy. And it's understandable you are experiencing anxiety.
Please Let us know how you are doing.
Gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[alis]

You should block him and not have any further contact with him. Not that he's likely to hurt you or an...

yes I haven't had any further contact and have already deleted/blocked him fortunately. (I know from experience of past abusive relationships where I was harassed after refusing contact, I'm just glad this wasn't the case.)

Unfortunately it makes a little trickier is the fact he studies at the same studio I do.. I haven't taken classes there in a few months but whenever I go there I have this immense sense of dread that I'll run into him and have a full blown meltdown or freeze response. Just the thought of it is so terrifying to me. I just hate the fact that I have to live in fear about going to a place I used to love whereas he has no sense of guilt or anything. I've contacted the admin and told them (didn't disclose details) I couldn't be in a class with said person but that's about it.

 

[Friday]

I would personally tend to classify this as regret-sex.

I got drunk, I made a series of bad decisions, which led to me sleeping with someone I normally wouldn't. That's pure-regret sex, in and of itself. It just adds whipped cream and cherries on top if it was bad sex on top of that. Yuck. Great. X2. So now not only have I slept with someone I didn't want to sleep with, but it was pretty gross. Although, in some ways that's more clear-cut than when I slept with someone I wouldn't sleep with, and it was incredible sex. Bad from start to finish is at least consistent. And slightly less nauseating.

With a trauma history, though, I've got some added pieces to that. It's still regret sex, but trauma based regret sex :wtf: Which makes things extra fun.

- I don't like someone. To the degree that means I'm hyper aware of where they are & what they're doing at all times. I add a lot of alcohol. Which strips down my reasoning & very nearly guarantees 1:2 things... I'm either going to get in a fight with them, or I'm going to end up going home with them. Why? Because all of my attention is focused on them, but being drunk, the reasons why all of my attention is focused on them gets burry. So the rational thought is "They're leaving! Awesome!", meanwhile the drunk thought is still "I need to be paying attention to what they're doing." Which means, because I don't like them, I leave with them. :facepalm: Blargh. Alcohol.

- More, when I still had a lot of sexual assault stuff in play, I'd often deliberately sleep with someone I didn't like or trust, and wasn't enjoying myself with... As a control factor. If I'm a willing participant, here, it keeps force off the table. Which, yes, is seriously f*cked up. Sleeping with someone, to avoid being raped by someone, who -in all likelihood- would never have even dreamed of raping me. :confused: Dammit. Self. Stop that.

Now... For me it's really important that I class sex versus rape & assault differently. Assault is fairly straightforward. There's no blame attached, and generally very little that can/could be done both at the time, and in the future. Consensual sex is a lot more complicated. There are things, along every step of the way, that are about me. Things I'm doing, saying, thinking, feeling that are leading to a result I don't want, that I DO need to adjust and take into account in the future. Patterns, habits, thought processes, boundaries, beliefs, etc. I only listed 2 personal examples up above, but did so for good reason; 1 comes into play whenever my hypervig is up AND I add alcohol. Knowing that gives me a lot of options to work with. The simplest, of course, is not to drink when my anxiety is up. But from a practical standpoint, I could be drinking with my best mates and the situation changes / someone shows up to hits my alarm bells, so knowing either of those patterns is hugely useful to me, because it lets me interrupt them, make different choices, and change the outcome. That's not possible with rape. Just isn't. So even though I've got a whole lot more to sift-sort-deal with when I'm dealing with the results of my own choices and actions, in the long run, I far prefer it. In the short term, though, generally the opposite.

 

[heyheyhey]

**biggest hugs**. You didn't say no, because you couldn't say no, you also made it clear when you were less intoxicated that you were not interested and he still did it. The blame is fully on him. You had a classic freeze response that happens very often with assault when we are threatened and overwhelmed, many people who are not intoxicated also freeze so please don't think it was just that and that you in any way caused it, he fully took advantage of you. If you need anyone to talk to, please feel free to message me - I'm also an assault survivor.

 

[Sideways]

Whether or not it was? Only you can actually know, because only you can answer the question: was I consenting to sex in my mind when we had sex?

A lot of what you've written points to you perhaps already know that getting in his car was not a great decision. We make bad decisions, it's the human condition.

The part that is important as to whether this was rape/sexual assault is where you describe what was going through your mind while the sex was actually happening. You describe feeling paralysed, and wanting it to be over. That could be the description of a really dreadful (but consensual) sexual encounter, but it doesn't sound that way...

Either way, it was traumatic. Whatever happened that caused you to be there, whatever label you give it, the way you're feeling now is actually the part that counts most. And if you're really distressed, you need to allow yourself to heal, because your distress is real, and valid, whatever label you put on the encounter.

 

[alis]

I would personally tend to classify this as regret-sex.

I got drunk, I made a series of bad decisions,...

I have in the past definitely slept with people I didn't want to but I did it anyways but it was more consensual on my part. This just didn't feel like that. Maybe it was because I said no so many times prior and he just waited till I was more intoxicated. I know what regret sex is. And maybe I'm just hyper aware of things and you're right. And maybe if I hadn't been drinking I would have been able to get home by myself all right. And I keep looking back and wishing I just didn't get in that damn car. So you're right in that the blame does reside with me further than if I said no and then he physically forced me or something. And a f***ed up part of me wishes that that had happened even if it would be more traumatic because then at least I could clearly put the blame there.

And the further replies are right that it is more important of how I'm feeling now and getting myself back to a normal place than what I call whatever it was that happened. Even though I can recognize that it might be distorted thinking to obsess about it I feel as if I can "fix it" if I can logically put together what happened even though it's most probable that it will never happen. Or if it's x amount of x then it's logical or normal I'm feeling this way, but if it was actually x then I should just get over it----(in no way I know is this healthy but it's how my brain has been trying to process/rationalize it.)


Thank you all again for your kind replies.