Relationship What To Say When ...

[Bradford]

I wouldn't even call mine a relationship, we never got off the ground really! We have never been offi...

Your last statement, "I feel that there will come a point where I need to let him go for him to come back", is so true. I think I am about at that point in my relationship now and have been there before. A few of months ago she left me. About a month and a half later she called me, in tears telling me how much she missed me and how much she loved me. We renewed our relationship, within a few weeks it was happening all over again. Then she is back again. Again we renewed our relationship. Yesterday and today she is withdrawing again. It is a wild roller-coaster ride. Several days ago, she was despondent and I could see her slipping. Our conversation was going something like this...

I said, "I am one of your triggers. Our relationship can not continue like this if I am". She acknowledged that to be true. I said, "I love you. Marry me"!

I saw one of the biggest smiles come over her face that I have ever seen. To be honest I thought it was going to be just the opposite. I expected anger. She still has not responded with a yes. But her total demeanor has changed. Would I marry her? In a heart beat. It is not about practicality, common sense, what may or may not be good for me. I love her.

Yesterday and today she is falling again, but something about it is a little different. Maybe I am just imagining and hoping for something. I don't know what to expect nor what to do. I just continue to support her. She is now saying (again) that I should find someone else because I can not handle her PTSD, when in fact I think that it is her having trouble handling me loving her so much. She said one time, a very short time ago, that no one has ever been so kind to her or loved her as much as I do.

My opinion is that me loving her so much is almost a double edged sword for her. In a sense it makes things better and worse all at the same time. I say this with no arrogance intended, my OPINION is that she loves me, almost reveres our relationship at times, but it is so good it almost makes her feel guilty which in turn is a trigger for the PTSD. If this is true, are we in an endless circle? This is JUST MY OPINION. I don't know, but I do know this; it is about the wildest roller-coaster ride of my life. I have no magic bullet. I hope someone out there one day finds one and shares with me. Until then I just continue to love her, support her, tell her I love her, tell her she is beautiful and in actions as well as words show her and tell her I will always be here for her. I don't know what else to do...

 

[BlueOrange]

My opinion is that me loving her so much is almost a double edged sword for her. In a sense it makes things better and worse all at the same time.

That seems pretty likely from over here - certainly, 'better and worse all at the same time' is something that I routinely experience as a sufferer, never more so than with the people I love the most.

Is she in therapy? That's rather important. Triggers can be weakened and/or defused through good therapy. And make sure that you also are getting the support that you need.

 

[Bradford]

That seems pretty likely from over here - certainly, 'better and worse all at the same time' is some...

She has been in therapy but is not right now at the moment. I know she has plans to get back to it. I want to encourage her, but I am afraid that should I say something she will not take it well.

As far as support for myself, this is the first time in my life I felt I was in a situation bigger than what I can handle alone. I am considering seeing someone myself because this is by far the most stressful experience of my life.This forum has been great and I have had some tremendous words of encouragement. It is still very very difficult to see someone you love so much be in so much emotional pain and not be able to do anything about it.

 

[Snowflakes]

@Bradford The best suggestion I have received from someone here on the forum was to see a therapist. Not because I had an issue but rather to teach me how to cope and help my sufferer. I have started doing so and, while the issues still exists, my reactions to them are much better......for both of us.

So, if you're considering seeing someone yourself, then I can tell you it is well worth it.

Take care.

 

[BlueOrange]

I am afraid that should I say something she will not take it well.

That's a reasonable fear. I'd suggest reading though some of the 'introductions' posts, or some of the advice to sufferers. The main trick is to avoid giving orders, and to be honest about your own interests and feelings.

Perhaps "One of the things that I'm finding stressful is that I don't always feel strong enough to take care of you. I'd feel more secure if I knew that you were talking to someone with the skills to help you work through the things that come up."

 

[Bradford]

That's a reasonable fear. I'd suggest reading though some of the 'introductions' posts, or some of t...

I have tried something very similar to that. Wow... big back fire... "You are not here to take care of me"! ... "I want to take care of myself"!...

I thought something similar to what you suggested would work... wrong!!! Dont be concerned, I had all ready attempted that before I had read your suggestion.So the blow up was not a result of your attempt to help.

Thanks