ExitLight
Bronze Member
Through the midst of recovering possible repressed memories, one of the problems I face while addressing this problem is the fact that I've had, what I've called "episodes," that have been happening recently.
First, I smoke marijuana regularly, I find it helps me calm down in certain situations and lets me be more creative. I have limits with it, and if I get the wrong strain it can only make me go downhill sometimes, but I find it to be very effective.
One of the first times I got really high, I had what seemed like a Temporal Lobe Seizure (only after googling it, lol). Queue me freaking out over the next year or two as those "seizures" came back, occasionally. They consisted of forgetting what I was doing, feeling extremely foggy, and experiencing and unshakable feeling of dejavu. They got worse over a 3 year period to the point where currently, I experience some of the same feelings, but combined with my left leg feeling so limp and heavy that I have trouble walking. I have trouble standing, speaking, and basically a lot of what makes me function just turns off.
That first, mild one started in 2013, they slowly happened more and more, but not regularly. I moved back to my home state in 2016, then I started experiencing them regularly, and a lot more heavily.
I was also smoking more often, but I was living with my cousin on my dad's side. I lived with her for 6 months, and it was hell. I was so anxious all the time, I was stressed, trying to find a job, she seemed to never clean the house, so I'd clean it for her, thus revving up my "manic-cleaning" episodes, and all sorts of stuff.
During this time, I was experiencing the "episodes," but the ones that I thought were TLE seizures, started to look more like M.S. flare ups, or Lyme disease flare ups. I've gone to doctors, blood work is always clean, my physical health is shiny and spotless, but I still have these interrupting episodes. I experienced these "episodes" everyday that I worked - which eventually led to my decision to just stop showing up. I still have them, I still experience the same anxiety that I experienced at my cousin's. I feel like I've taken a huge step backwards in my mental health.
The whole time everyone seemed like they had their minds set on the episodes being anxiety-based. I was truly offended by that at the time, and powered through my own stubborn route of "This is something serious" "I'm seriously ill, you guys." "I'm dying." And it just seems to me like I was over-reacting, and being a drama queen about things. I don't want to admit it's anxiety-based. I feel like, for some reason, that suddenly gives no merit to anything I'm experiencing. To me, I feel like if I relate it to anxiety/mental health, then I have no where to let myself slack because I've been taught - you can fix it. "Fix it!" And for these past 6 months, I feel like if I were to say they were from anxiety, my family would be right there to tell me "I told you so, hah!"
There are so many options for a different possible diagnosis, but that's not what I'm looking for from you guys.
There's two realms of possibility here, for me.
1. These episodes are mostly anxiety based.
2. These episodes are mostly not anxiety based.
And there's a lot to consider for both realms. I've gone down the route of #2. It's not getting me anywhere. Sometimes you gotta know when to look in a different direction.
I want to know the extent of your dissociation episodes. How much is your body affected by it? Do your legs get so weak that you can't even walk? Does your body feel heavy? Does your head feel light? Heart races? Heart rate slows down, even? Do you feel fatigued before during or after? Do you feel comfortable in only one place when you experience these episodes? (Through dealing with this, I've retreated to the bathroom many times and it's just my go-to place to deal with these "episodes.")
Thank you
First, I smoke marijuana regularly, I find it helps me calm down in certain situations and lets me be more creative. I have limits with it, and if I get the wrong strain it can only make me go downhill sometimes, but I find it to be very effective.
One of the first times I got really high, I had what seemed like a Temporal Lobe Seizure (only after googling it, lol). Queue me freaking out over the next year or two as those "seizures" came back, occasionally. They consisted of forgetting what I was doing, feeling extremely foggy, and experiencing and unshakable feeling of dejavu. They got worse over a 3 year period to the point where currently, I experience some of the same feelings, but combined with my left leg feeling so limp and heavy that I have trouble walking. I have trouble standing, speaking, and basically a lot of what makes me function just turns off.
That first, mild one started in 2013, they slowly happened more and more, but not regularly. I moved back to my home state in 2016, then I started experiencing them regularly, and a lot more heavily.
I was also smoking more often, but I was living with my cousin on my dad's side. I lived with her for 6 months, and it was hell. I was so anxious all the time, I was stressed, trying to find a job, she seemed to never clean the house, so I'd clean it for her, thus revving up my "manic-cleaning" episodes, and all sorts of stuff.
During this time, I was experiencing the "episodes," but the ones that I thought were TLE seizures, started to look more like M.S. flare ups, or Lyme disease flare ups. I've gone to doctors, blood work is always clean, my physical health is shiny and spotless, but I still have these interrupting episodes. I experienced these "episodes" everyday that I worked - which eventually led to my decision to just stop showing up. I still have them, I still experience the same anxiety that I experienced at my cousin's. I feel like I've taken a huge step backwards in my mental health.
The whole time everyone seemed like they had their minds set on the episodes being anxiety-based. I was truly offended by that at the time, and powered through my own stubborn route of "This is something serious" "I'm seriously ill, you guys." "I'm dying." And it just seems to me like I was over-reacting, and being a drama queen about things. I don't want to admit it's anxiety-based. I feel like, for some reason, that suddenly gives no merit to anything I'm experiencing. To me, I feel like if I relate it to anxiety/mental health, then I have no where to let myself slack because I've been taught - you can fix it. "Fix it!" And for these past 6 months, I feel like if I were to say they were from anxiety, my family would be right there to tell me "I told you so, hah!"
There are so many options for a different possible diagnosis, but that's not what I'm looking for from you guys.
There's two realms of possibility here, for me.
1. These episodes are mostly anxiety based.
2. These episodes are mostly not anxiety based.
And there's a lot to consider for both realms. I've gone down the route of #2. It's not getting me anywhere. Sometimes you gotta know when to look in a different direction.
I want to know the extent of your dissociation episodes. How much is your body affected by it? Do your legs get so weak that you can't even walk? Does your body feel heavy? Does your head feel light? Heart races? Heart rate slows down, even? Do you feel fatigued before during or after? Do you feel comfortable in only one place when you experience these episodes? (Through dealing with this, I've retreated to the bathroom many times and it's just my go-to place to deal with these "episodes.")
Thank you
