Relationship For Those Who Tried To Support Me And All The Supporters Here

[BlueOrange]

I'm really fussy about what an apology means, because the words "I'm sorry, but" were a warning that things were about to get scary.

In my mind, an apology means:

1) A bad thing happened
2) I accept (some measure of) responsibility for the bad thing
3) I intend to address the problem of the bad thing (through repair and/or prevention efforts)

It's not necessarily a reflection if an emotional state. (Although I do still feel very bad about scaring and neglecting my kids.)

 

[TheMinsterman]

For me, an apology can sometimes take the form of acknowledging my role in something, even it if was unintentional and I may not necessarily agree the other persons interpretation is fair, if it caused them some sort of pain I will apologise for that without always saying it's my fault.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

do you sometimes feel like it's too late to apologise, even if the opportunity is there and so subsequently keep it to yourself until it perhaps really is too late?

Totally! I have done all I can and jumped through all hoops to try to make things right with my family but now it is too late.

So i guess the part of opportunity isnt the same as they are gone. I f*cked up years before therapy and now they are gone because of what i did. I appologized and jumped through all the hoops i could to make it right but finally had to back away and just accept that its too late.

In my mind, an apology means:

1) A bad thing happened
2) I accept (some measure of) responsibility for the bad thing
3) I intend to address the problem of the bad thing (through repair and/or prevention efforts)

Yep, did all 3 but it wasn't accepted so what do you do?

 

[BlueOrange]

Yep, did all 3 but it wasn't accepted so what do you do?

An apology can only ever be offered. If someone met all 3 of my criteria, I might not accept their apology, depending on how hurt I was, and how effective I thought they were going to be regarding point 3.

If a person doesn't accept a sincere apology, the message they are effectively sending is "I don't trust you." You can never force someone to trust you. If you really want that person's trust, the first step is to accept whatever boundaries they want to impose, and then live your life as positively as you can.

 

[grimalkin]

If a person doesn't accept a sincere apology, the message they are effectively sending is "I don't trust you."

Unfortunately with PTSD, that's the bottom line. My husband went from "I can forgive you anything" to "You've said and done the unforgivable," literally in a week's time. The unforgivable likely came because he DID let himself become so vulnerable with the "I can forgive you anything." And the unforgivable was (at first) based on a misunderstanding (he thought I said something I hadn't). And then it turned into so many things, many long past, are unforgivable retroactively, and anything new is suspect, too.

He perceived my actions as bad, so I apologized for hurting him, and tried to make what amends I could. Now it's up to him to figure out if I can be forgiven. He's even admitted that intellectually, he knows I didn't mean to hurt him, and without PTSD, he wouldn't have been triggered or hurt to begin with; but, as he said, the damage was done, and in his mind, I'm still responsible.

 

[talon]

I dithered about whether I should this here or in the suffers section but its for all you supporters ou...

no one who suffers trauma and pain must never apologize its as mad as apologizing for being born or being in the wrong place at the wrong time . There is no love without pain but love never fails it endures and heals . Love conquers all

 

[Snowflakes]

I've read some pretty upsetting posts here from people who are devastated by how their lives have turned out despite their love for their SO.

 

[FireSign8]

Color me hard hearted, but I never accept nor give apologies. I do, however, accept change... because to me this is the only way I can move on & stop repeating the past.

 

[Deleted member 39414]

I dithered about whether I should this here or in the suffers section but its for all you supporters ou...

Thank you so much for this. My ex with PTSD broke up with me and I'm shattered. This helps so much. Peace.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Your words reflect the beautiful, compassionate soul within you. I don't know if you've heard back from your ex, but I believe this would heal many wounds.