Relationship What Now?? Ptsd Partner Shutting Off All Communication...

[LoveMyNavyChief!]

My once fiancée, then simply BF- as of two days ago, (a Navy Chief (Ret), Combat Camera, multiple tours)- has just told me he is no good for me and that 'this relationship is over'. Again. His PTSD has turned him from a caring, hilarious, strong man into an angry withdrawn PTSD vet. He's been receiving therapy at the VA for a little over a year now but has refused continually to include me in ANY of it now. I helped him for three years: fighting the VA to get a well qualified PTSD specialist, weathering issue after issue with the VA loosing his case file, etc, being there while he had withdrawals from bad meds, withdrawing from family friends and Navy brothers, etc. Now no couples therapy, no nothing, just telling me to leave him. I will not stop loving him, rooting for him, hoping for him. He loves me I know. As of late however, it seems the blame for all of his anger, triggers etc have turned at me. I've read many many of the posts here, but no one can tell me how to deal with this being shut out. My instinct is to care for him, love him beg him to try other additional options, leaving him alone for weeks on end, etc. His shutting me out triggers great fear in me for which I am getting therapy for. What do I do? I sob daily over his pain. Over our loss. I will not just walk away and 'find someone else' as he has demanded. The local VA is horrid when it comes to spouse/significant other support. Please, please, someone out there, give me some solid advice...thank you.

 

[grimalkin]

I wish I had an easy answer for you, @LoveMyNavyChief!. I've you've read any of my tale over these forums, you know I'm in a similar situation - after 7+ years, 5+ of them married, my husband has decided he's done. I haven't gotten the "I'm no good for you" speech, probably because he knows that's not HIS decision to make. And it's clear that, somewhere in there, he still loves me.

One of the hardest things to accept is that there is, literally, nothing we can do or say to make them change their minds. So, all that you CAN do is take him at his word. Acknowledge that he's ending things, and carry on your own life. Take care of yourself. If you want to hold out hope he may come around, that is entirely your prerogative; you certainly don't have to "find someone else." But you do have to keep living and thriving.

Let him know you love him and will always be there for him. And then, give him the space he needs.

And know you are not alone. There are so many of us in the same boat, ready to lend an ear and a shoulder to cry on.

 

[LoveMyNavyChief!]

I'm just not ready to let him go...I would never leave if he had cancer or something else. I will always have hope. This is the hardest thing to hear let alone accept. I know I'm supposed to leave him alone now. I know I'm supposed to take care of myself and try to thrive. That just not something I am able to accept right now. That the man I love is crumbling into darkness...

In any case thank you. Thank you. I'm not just disregarding what you are telling me.

I do feel so alone and without resources for a woman who just wants her man to heal, even if it is eventual, and with long term effects. Being shut out and shoo'd away has been something I never believed would happen.

 

[LoveMyNavyChief!]

I wish I had an easy answer for you,

I wish there were more resources out here for significant others. I'm in So Cal. Any support groups anyone knows of?

 

[Snowflakes]

@LoveMyNavyChief! I understand and feel your desperation and pain. As @grimalkin wrote above, we as supporters are truly powerless to make them change their minds.

Yes, the VA is woefully inadequate to the supporters, caregivers, and family of the veteran who suffers from PTSD. In this case, I cannot stress the importance of you receiving therapy for the sole purpose of helping you cope. I suffered much to long trying to care for my sufferer till I finally started therapy. Does that fix the issues? No...but what it does is help me cope with my sufferer, it helps me to not make it worse for my sufferer by doing or saying things that tend to trigger her, it helped me to learn to not take it personally, and finally, it helped me to get to the next day and continue helping myself, and my sufferer when we did talk.

I understand your desire not to walk away from him, I have the same desire as you....this is where my signature of "hope" comes from. But, as @grimalkin write, very often that choice is not ours to make in the sense that very often the sufferer has already made that choice for us.

You asked for solid advice..... listen to the videos at the top of this forum and start seeing a therapist. Read everything and everything you can here. Vent to us here when it gets unbearable....and it will. Ask questions when you are looking for answers because, even if we don't have the answer, we have walked in your shoes so you are not alone.

 

[LoveMyNavyChief!]

I understand and feel your desperation and pain.

I found a wonderful therapist a few weeks ago and have been faithfully going. It does help- a little and I'm sure it will continue. The thing that rips me apart is as you said, he has made the choice and I have no say (paraphrasing). I will look at the videos and try to follow the advice. My heart just bleeds right now...
Thank you.

 

[Snowflakes]

Yes.....your heart bleeds and will for a long time. Mine has for 10 years.

I'm not unusual or special. I struggle and cry every night. PTSD is a cruel demon that sucks the joy from the life of both the sufferer and the supporter.

Take care. We will walk this road with you.

 

[void]

@LoveMyNavyChief! :hug:

I just want to acknowledge the terrible suffering that you are experiencing right now.
I feel compassion for you and the man you love so deeply.
May you both find your way forward.:hug:

 

[LoveMyNavyChief!]

Yes.....your heart bleeds and will for a long time. Mine has for 10 years.

I'm not unusual or spec...

@LoveMyNavyChief! :hug:

I just want to acknowledge the terrible suffering that you are...

Thank you

 

[Snowflakes]

@LoveMyNavyChief! I almost forgot. None of us specifically said it and I'm not sure you realize this but what he is doing to you is not him, it's not personally directed towards you from him. There is a huge difference between a person simply being an a$$hole and a person suffering from PTSD. From your description and dealing with the VA, he is suffering from PTSD.

It took me a while to learn that my sufferer wasn't intentially setting out to hurt me, to isolate from me, to leave me, or to accuse me of things I did not do......it was the demons in her head lashing out to me.

I cannot speak for your sufferer but I am inclined to think he does love you and at some point he will realize what he has done to you. My sufferer tells me that she hates what she does to me....but then does it again. It's not her, it's the PTSD.

This is not meant to make you feel better or offer a solution. It's just one of those things I didn't realize when I first got on this roller coaster. It's also what sustains my hope.

 

[BlueOrange]

Powerlessness is a toxic feeling. You can't control his behaviour, but you can influence it:

If you take good care of yourself and find ways to be happy, you weaken his fear that he will ruin your life.

If you avoid chasing after him when he withdraws, he will learn that if he wants contact with you, he will need to come to you. (He'll also learn that if he wants quiet, he doesn't have to be abusive or forceful to get it.)

If you refuse to be abused and you set firm boundaries, then he'll have to find non-abusive ways to get what he wants.

'What he wants' is something you just have to accept. But everything else will look for the path of least resistance - if you have the strength of a bulldozer, you can shape the path of least resistance. (Thank you for fighting to get his treatment from the VA. That's an example of what I'm talking about.)

 

[LoveMyNavyChief!]

Okay so tonight I'm angry. I'm sick of feeling like this. I'm so sad! I barely get responses to my reaching out to him. He's so angry-at me! He has indicated that he will go to a therapy session with me to my therapist next week. At this moment I don't want to go. I don't want to hurt anymore. I just want to love and be loved back. Why is it so damned hard? Christ I'm so mad right now! I'm tired. Tired of wishing and hoping and getting nothing. I'll probably get back on the hoping horse tomorrow but right now I'm just frustrated and exhausted.