Feeling Really Down After Last Session.

[Lee2001]

Hello everyone:) So I had therapy yesterday. I am going on 7 months of therapy now. Long story short have been working on stepping away from family that there was significant abuse from as a child. I have two little kids and a wonderful hubby. So I am feeling like Therapist is getting discouraged with me, inpatient maybe? I felt it in the last session. He brought up how if I continue to see my family they will affect my kids negatively, which I get. He brought up the point that I had not reported them, which with statue limitations that isn't necessarily helpful, and he said what role I was playing in the family which was hard to hear. That due to my fear of my mother especially, I was part of the continuing cycle of abuse. Basically allowing the abuse to continue and putting my kids at risk. He has been very supportive and empathetic but yesterday it seems he didn't hold back and really pushed hard. It does for sure motivate me to just walk away here and now from family, but it does make me feel awful about my self. I truly do believe Therapist is trying to help me make right choices but man I feel discouraged:( Anybody relate or comments on how to handle this?

 

[Enaila]

If you have been in therapy for seven months, your therapist has probably taught you coping strategies by now. My therapist started to push harder when she knew I was ready to take the next step. The fact I was feeling like I was being pushed told me she was right and I was at a new turning point ready to take a step further. It sounds like your T is quite supportive and rightfully concerned for your health and those of your children. Stepping away from an abuser is hard, especially when the abuser still instills fear in you. It is a necessary step and with you having support in place (therapist and hubby), I'd encourage you to do so too. I had to make the difficult decision to leave an abusive husband as well as an abusive father. It was hard as part of me still love them for who they used to be, but I chose to put my children first. They deserved to have a safe and happy childhood. After all of us were in a safe place, I was able to work on healing myself. My children are now well adjusted happy young adults and I am feeling safe and happier too. Take the step. There are people there to assist and who care about you!

 

[GWhizz]

I don't know the ins and outs of your background but I know no matter what happened, cutting ties with family can be extremely difficult and a grieving process in itself.

I made the decision to do so once my now first child was born 3 years ago. But it doesn't mean they don't contact me or try to make my life difficult as a result.

Your T has a duty of care first and foremost to any minor he knows may be exposed or subjected to a known/alleged abuser. I've had my own worries about my T pushing me to report, but I had to reassure her that my kids weren't at risk nor were any other kids that I knew of. As a health care professional myself, it's children first over confidentiality by mandate.

Your T appears to have handled matters quite delicately and hasn't pushed too hard. He's really just encouraging you to try and develop and utilise your own judgment to come to the right decision here. And you're questioning it which shows he's really got you thinking. I don't think he's giving up on you or anything. Moreso, he's challenging you as he can see your potential ability for personal growth whatever your decision.

I am sure you do your best to honour and protect your little family. What helped me was asking myself whether I wanted my children to actually get to know my family of origin, for what I really know them. I have to remind myself every now and then of what I'm not really missing out on. It is hard but with the support of your husband and T, it sounds like you'll work through this.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

What a great therapist. I agree, once we are adults we have a moral responsibility to stand up against abuse and stop the family cycle.

 

[Lee2001]

Thank you all for your sharing and words. I do feel better about last session now. I see how this is just part of getting to a better place, even if my feelings get hurt in the process. It's a hard pill to swallow but so worth it if it gets my attention and protects my kids. The family has never been abusive to my kids or have they been even a minute in their care with out me, but like therapist mentioned eventually they will still turn their bad intentions to my kids... especially once I stand up to them and they can not bully me anymore. Still trying to get over feeling bad about ever letting parents involved with kids! Why couldn't I have wised up like five years ago! Anyhow reading what you all shared truly is helpful.

 

[Justmehere]

I agree with others that nothing you describe suggests your therapist thinks you need to be hospitalized or is giving up on you. I can also understand how it hurt to hear what he said. I think he really is in your corner.

So I am feeling like Therapist is getting discouraged with me, inpatient maybe? I felt it in the last session.

If you are ever wondering if your therapist is getting discouraged or is thinking you need a higher level of care, ask them. In the end, we can all give good guesses, but only the therapist can say for sure, and getting into the habit of asking the therapist will help a lot. Be sure to talk to him about how the session and his approach felt to you so that way you can keep a good working therapeutic alliance through moments of kind confrontation like this.

It makes a TON of sense why it's hard to walk away. Trauma bonding is really powerful. In fact, studies have shown that abused women return to abusive partners 7 times before they leave for good. It's that hard for people to walk away from trauma bonded relationships that start in adulthood.(Why do Women Return to Abusive Relationships? (with pictures)) Adults who were traumatized as a child can struggle with even stronger trauma bonds with abusers.

It is very likely that he is being blunt because he is trying to help you break those very powerful bonds and have the motivation to set clear boundaries with your family. He's doing it by reminding you of how your kids need you to be their momma bear, and for you to provide to them the protection you didn't get.

It's not important just for the kids, but you as well. It is much harder to heal from past abuse while still in contact and relationship with unrepentant abusers, especially if the victim is still scared of them, like you are with your mother.

The family has never been abusive to my kids or have they been even a minute in their care with out me, but like therapist mentioned eventually they will still turn their bad intentions to my kids... especially once I stand up to them and they can not bully me anymore. Still trying to get over feeling bad about ever letting parents involved with kids! Why couldn't I have wised up like five years ago!

It's really great that you are working hard on healing and you are beginning to come to new realizations about your family how unhealthy they are to allow around your kids. Some people never realize this their whole lives. Instead of getting down on yourself, celebrate this new growth and the new and very hard changes you are making!

I'm glad your therapist is in your corner, helping you find the motivation you to need to protect your kids and to learn to say no to these abusers. Keep up the good work to pull away. :hug:

 

[Lee2001]

Thank you so much @Justmehere. That is so helpful and helps me to not be so hard on myself or the therapist. Everything said makes sense and helps me to see this in a better perspective. I am going to discuss how I saw the last session with therapist and hopefully I can know what he is really thinking. As far as the trauma bonding I found that very interesting, as I had not really studied this before or knew about it. So thank you and for sharing.

 

[VICTORIA WILLIS]

Hello everyone:) So I had therapy yesterday. I am going on 7 months of therapy now. Long story short ha...

It's kinda our norm to go to self loathing.
Sounds to me that your therapist is pushing you into a healthy direction (leaving your family of origin). For you, that action brings up guilt; thinking there's more we can do to change the situation. There isn't.
You have to close that door. It isn't you, it's them. Trust that it's the right move and process through the guilt.
You have a right to a peaceful and happy life. Hold onto your husband for support.
Don't waste another day trying to fix your relationship with your mother.
I didn't listen to my therapist at the times (This was years ago) and my mother died without acknowledging the abuse she put me through. I wish I would have left her years earlier. Her death was a gigantic wake up call for me.
Good luck, you can do it.

 

[Ama Marie Simard]

Hello everyone:) So I had therapy yesterday. I am going on 7 months of therapy now. Long story short ha...

Tell the therapist how it made you feel and stop holding back. Not being fully honest with your therapist delays your progress.