Really Struggling Today, Week 6 Of His Isolation

[Uhagog]

Hi all, feeling very depressed today. Not been feeling well in general the last couple days and so laid up in bed. Should have gone to visit family today but couldn't face it.

My sufferer came out of isolation 4 weeks ago and began texting me how sorry he was and asking if we could meet. I had held things together pretty well in his absence and was excited I would finally get to see him.

Well its been 2 more broken promises and 2 more weeks since he said he would call and we would meet. No explanation just total silence. I have been patient and strong for so long but this latest isolation is taking its toll on me.

He did reveal that he is dealing with a lot of work/family issues and I reassured him I understood he needed time out. At the same time our relationship had reached a deepening turning point and it was clear feelings were becoming more serious on both sides.

I was ready to set some boundaries when we met up so we would have some way to communicate and get through these periods of isolation. But I haven't had that chance as he's still avoiding me. I believe he does have feelings for me, he told me about his PTSD early on and I have a fair amount of knowledge on it but I am just so lonely right now and desperately wanting a hug from him.

He is so gentle and caring and I've never seen him lose his temper. I wish he would let me in during these times to help lighten his load rather than trying to only ever show me the perfect version of himself when he's feeling better. I want him to see I will not judge him and still love him, even his dark side.

Just feel like I'm isolating myself now. Everyone was so happy for me when they saw how much happier I was with him. I haven't told them about his PTSD but I know they wouldn't understand and be mad at him for making me miserable. So I avoid them so I don't have to answer questions about our relationship. Feel like I have no one to talk to...:(

 

[Jicik]

It sounds to me like you may be putting more into the relationship than your SO is able/willing to return.

You need your friends and family. Don't alienate them in your pursuit of your SO. If you don't want to discuss him with them don't. Just politely change the subject and move on.

 

[Zulij]

Has he asked you not to contact him? If not..you do have the right to tell him you would like to have a time and place to meet and that he needs to keep his end of the deal. That IS setting a boundry. Don't Give him ultimatums...just tell him what you need.
If he didn't have PTSD,how would you be dealing with this?
I want to give you some food for thought. Take what you need, leave the rest.
You say you are willing to deal with ALL of him..yet his isolation has sent you to bed with depression.
Its going to get very real and things you will not understand if he showed you ALL of him.
As women we tend to think LOVE will get us thru.
Hardly!. I have PTSD...on my bad days..you could love me to the moon and back..and it would not change what I had to go thru. I wouldn't be able to explain it for you to understand...and probably wouldn't understand myself.
Just hoping you take a very honest look at whether or not you could endure years of this. It takes us many years..MANY, to come even close to healing.
It concerns me that this has put you to bed with depression.
Are you willing to have your OWN therapist? Because love will not be enough.
I'm sorry for these hard truths. But better for you to see it now than years down the line..
And PTSD or not..he is accountable for leaving you hanging.
I wish the best for you both.
But Hope you really take a bare bones honest look at what this will cost you.
Gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[Uhagog]

Has he asked you not to contact him? If not..you do have the right to tell him you would like to have a time and place t...

Thank you for the reply and the hug. I have been sick in bed with a cold but this has simply given me time to reflect. I guess I'm feeling more in need of a bit of comfort and its depressing me having no contact with him.

He didn't ask me not to contact him, but sensed he needed space as he started withdrawing. I have known him 2 years and this is not the first isolation, just feels extra long this time.

As I say, he reached out when he was ready, made arrangements with me and then simply did not follow through.

I get that this will be lifelong for him and I we stay together. I would definitely seek outside support to cope. I am not naive and don't have a "LOVE conquers all' attitude. Simply saying that I love the whole person and not just cherry picking his good attributes when things are good.

I left him be completely for 4 weeks before he reached back out. He reaches out so I naturally assume he's ready for contact. He makes plans with me and then nothing, no contact or explanation. I feel teased and toyed with, that's what depresses me when I've respected his need for space and coping mechanism. Would of been better for him to stay away until truly ready rather than drawing back in just to blank me suddenly again...? Feels cruel and unnecessary, regardless of PTSD to treat someone this way, especially the very person you open up to that you admit has shown you such care and kindness. Just makes me feel like a loser. He's not the only one feeling vulnerable and putting himself and his heart out there on a limb.

 

[Wofal]

I usually don't go into the supporter area, but your statement, "Just makes me feel like a loser" really tugged at my heart. Regardless of his PTSD, you are the one suffering here, and I bet you are as kind and caring as you describe him to be, and deserve a whole person who can return your love full time and respect your boundaries.

 

[Iwuna]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Week 4 for me today. No contact, zero. I'm not sure if I said or did something that triggered this. He has a lot going on that could cause a shut out. I never know what to think when it happens and it hasn't been long like this in 2 years. Believe me, I know exactly how you feel.

 

[Uhagog]

I usually don't go into the supporter area, but your statement, "Just makes me feel like a loser" really tugged at my he...

Thank you, that really helps.

 

[Uhagog]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Week 4 for me today. No contact, zero. I'm not sure if I said or did something t...

Thank you for understanding. Sorry things are no better for you also.
I let him go over a year ago when he said he was not ready for a relationship. It was painful for us both but I did it for the best. I moved on, after a few months forced myself to accept a couple dates with some other guys just to get back out there. Nothing serious, no spark or connection.

A whole year passes and guess who popped back up telling me he had to track me down to find me and hasn't been able to stop thinking about me for a year. He comes back on strong for 6 months, then skip to this point and you get my confusion...?

 

[Igoz]

Mine was/is very similar! He broke up with me as well. Sometimes I know exactly what's going on in his head and other times I have no clue. That's when I'm scared, I don't know if he's on the verge of suicide or just done with me. And then I feel selfish for worrying about if he's down with me when it's likely he's in a really bad place, dealing with things that are beyond my comprehension. Then I think butbevem if that's true, what does he want me do?

 

[Uzusum]

I'm pretty much in the same position as yourself, we've had two weeks pure isolation and then he replied on Saturday said he's not been well but he's ok. I replied and wished him a good weekend, he's neither read it or replied to that. I was so happy when he replied to my first message, he seemed enthusiastic and almost happy and then BOOM back down to rock bottom.

It is very confusing, I was just doing quite well with the isolation and felt relaxed about leaving him be and then this tiny bit of contact and hope was wonderful and now I fear it's back to isolation again. I just have to dust myself down and continue on like I was the previous week, being in bed ill won't help matters. When you have spare time, that's time to think or overthink in this case. Just keep doing you, keep busy and just wait and be patient ... it is true we need to have the patience of a saint.

Regarding the making plans and then not following through, this is so common. With me and my friend there have been so many times where he's cancelled on me, the one thing he does though is ring constantly after he cancels because guilt consumes him. He really does try to meet me but he just can't bring himself to do it, we can't understand why either and I don't know if he knows why he can't. He often says 'I really wanted to see you' or 'I really wanted to come over' but he just can't, he doesn't know why and I don't push him. However, saying that Valentines day was a breaking point for me, we made plans then he told me he wasn't coming so I put the phone down .... cancel on me anytime but do not do this to me on Valentines day ... he came round 15 mins later. So it is true if you demonstrate to them how important it would be to you they can make the choice or not? I think my friend knew when I put the phone down that I was really hurt. He kept ringing me after that and when I finally picked up he said he was on his way, granted he was only with me for a few hours but it was enough for me.

Just keep busy and let him come out of his shell, if he's contacting you still it's a good sign just down over-power him.

I'm sorry to hear you're Ill as well, I hope you fell better soon :hug:

 

[Uhagog]

I'm pretty much in the same position as yourself, we've had two weeks pure isolation and then he replied on Saturday sa...

Thank you so much for this, its really helped to 'snap me out of it'. I guess being unwell made it easier for me to slump in to self pity.

My SO is always full of guilt when he let's me down and I don't want him to feel this way. I never get angry or constantly remind him but I want him to realise its not okay to do so without so much as a text to at least cancel so I know what's happening.

I woke up today feeling much better and went to work. Decided to carry on like you said as if he is still in isolation and not keep checking for his missed call/texts. I was patient before and I can be patient again. If we stay together though, therapy for us both will have to be a deal breaker to cope better with this. You can't just wing it, especially in a relationship. Thank you.

 

[Labec]

Gosh do not worry there will be many more times as a supporter that we will slump into self-pity trust me, it's natural so don't beat yourself up over it!!

No I completely agree that not communicating that he won't be able to follow through with plans is unacceptable, I wouldn't be able to cope with this. That said my SO often forgets plans, his memory is so bad so when we make plans I have to wait until that very day of said plan to ask him about it ... not ideal as it's more than likely he might be doing something else. However he cannot cope with forward planning and even if we do he forgets what plans he has made, might this be the case with your SO?

I'm glad you're back on the wagon today so to speak, keep it up! Honestly I did get to a good place last week in this and then had a bit of a dip yesterday but as long as we give ourselves a bit of a kick up the bum here and there we can continue on. I have a very busy week planned which is my only saving grace at the moment, if I didn't my overthinking would be in overdrive. Work helps so keep going in and keep your mind as occupied as possible :)

Hugs :hug: