Relationship Girlfriend With Ptsd Dumped Me Because I Accidently Triggered Her

[monsterade]

Ok, as another blunt older man, 46, and someone with PTSD, I'm sorry your relationship ended. I know the...

The most difficult part I'm accepting and healing from is the fact that she told me she would be single and work on herself and heal when she dumped me, as she said she can't be with anyone right now.

Then, days after, I find out that, her actions speak louder than her words and is with someone new. She may very well be doing this to not feel alone, and to feel loved and protected, which I have read into as a trait for someone suffering from abuse may need.

 

[monsterade]

She made a decision that it is in her best interest and well-being to not be in a relationship. Especia...

Thank you for your reply and I appreciate your insight from your experience.

Given the situation and updates in the comments, and the fact that she decided to be with a new guy days after dumping me, and said she doesn't want to be with me, is it worth trying to reconnect a month or two later?

What are your thoughts or reflections based on your personal experience? I'll gladly give her, her space since I don't have anything to say to her right now as she is dating someone and I flipped out on her when I found out (see replies to other folks).

 

[monsterade]

She made a decision that it is in her best interest and well-being to not be in a relationship. Especia...

And yes, I'm going to see a therapist soon.

Any recommendations on what kind of therapist I should see?

 

[grimalkin]

@monsterade My advice: Just say no. She's made herself clear at this point, in actions and words.

If you try to contact her, you will be doing more harm than good, to both of you.

 

[Muttly]

Then, days after, I find out that, her actions speak louder than her words and is with someone new. She may very well be doing this to not feel alone, and to feel loved and protected, which I have read into as a trait for someone suffering from abuse may need.

That sounds like a reasonable guess.
Or she may have been on a bipolar upswing and felt like she could handle anything
Or she is doing it as part of some self-destructive pattern
Or she is stuck in repeating patterns
Or she found in him something she just couldn't ignore
Or....or... or...

The thing is, you're not going to know. If that happened to me, I would feel hurt and betrayed. Those are reasonable feelings. I know it's really hard, but try to let this go. It happened. It's rotten. The whys don't matter so much, it's your feelings that matter. They will be there for a time and then they will pass

Given the situation and updates in the comments, and the fact that she decided to be with a new guy days after dumping me, and said she doesn't want to be with me, is it worth trying to reconnect a month or two later?.

You didn't ask me, but based on my experience, I'd say no. Now, this is just me talking. Part of my PTSD experience is with abusers who didn't want to let me go, and continued contact long after I'd wanted them to stop. If she wants to try again with you, she can reach out to you. She knows where you are. If she doesn't, you trying to contact her is unwanted contact and just reinforces feelings of her boundaries not being respected.

 

[Sweet_E]

Thank you for your reply and I appreciate your insight from your experience.

Given the situation a...

I have been on the opposite side of the break up, where I wanted to get back together, not related to my ptsd. I was almost obsessive about it. I would stalk his Facebook and drive by his house (granted, it would normally drive down that street anyway). I would search for clues about what he was doing and would try to make sense of things. I realized I was being obsessive and found this article: Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts Through Relaxed Awareness | CalmDownMind.com I hope it's okay for me to post the link. It really helped me. Actually the whole website was helpful. I read all of the posts, starting with the oldest one. The book, The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle also helped me. And to give you the background about the relationship, I thought this person was my soul mate. I was very shaken by the break up. After I learned to be more at peace with the situation, I eventually realized that this person was not right for me and years later I married the perfect person for me.

So my advice to you is to focus on you, and healing your broken heart. It's okay to obsess a little or try to make sense of things. However, if you stay stuck in that phase, it might not be the best for you. It might also be helpful to speak with a therapist and to discuss what you really want out of a relationship and to make sure you are on a path where you will find what you truly desire.

Another good book is The Mastery of Love by Don Miquel Ruiz.

I am sorry you are going through all of this. :(

 

[TheMinsterman]

One thing you're going to need to learn is, in situations like this, you're searching for logic where there is none. I am not saying people with PTSD are all like this, but very often they make choices that rationally and logically to us make absolutely no sense, like "I want space and be single" only to then get with somebody. Contradictions are very common, strange behaviour (to us) is too. I advise you try you best NOT to analyse her behaviour, you'll never really pin it down unless she chooses to explain her thought process to you, and I doubt she ever will.

 

[monsterade]

@monsterade My advice: Just say no. She's made herself clear at this point, in act...

I won't reach out to her at all unless she messages me in the future, which I strongly and highly doubt will happen.

 

[monsterade]

I have been on the opposite side of the break up, where I wanted to get back together, not related to m...

I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. That's really rough.

I can see myself becoming obsessive and will look into your resources as a means to help myself. I appreciate your support...

I am going to look into therapists around my area and start going to help me heal.

 

[monsterade]

One thing you're going to need to learn is, in situations like this, you're searching for logic w...

Wow you're 100% correct. A lot of her decisions in the past she mentioned she does think many sense and still justifies them passionately.

I am going to work on letting this go.

And you're right, she'll never tell me her thought process behind it. And I won't hear from her ever again as I know she won't reach out (I feel this way).

I'll have to accept that.

 

[Sweet_E]

And yes, I'm going to see a therapist soon.

Any recommendations on what kind of therapist I should...

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a good place to start but the most important thing is to feel comfortable with the therapist. So try to find someone you can trust and connect with. There are many good forms of therapy.

 

[Sweet_E]

Thank you for your reply and I appreciate your insight from your experience.

Given the situation a...

Sorry, it just registered what you said that she jumped into a new relationship. The same thing happened with the story I described in my other response. He said he couldn't be in a relationship and asked if we could just be friends with benefits. I said no, absolutely not. Then I saw on Facebook that he was in another relationship shortly thereafter. Meanwhile, he would flirt with me from time to time while in the other relationship.

She may have been sincere when she said she needed out of the relationship. She may be grasping for different ways of coping with some intense stuff she is dealing with and like the other person said, her choices are not always going to be logical. That is so painful for you to experience. You might be better off letting things go. Let her come back to you if she wants, but don't be a door mat. You deserve to be loved and respected. Don't settle for anything less. I'm not saying she intentionally hurt you, but the motives behind the action don't excuse them.