Today was a bad day. I am more sensitive to smell when things are going bad for me emotionally, so I can't seem to get my house, in particular my room to smell ok. It just has an odor to it, at least to me. I can't make it go away.
I was cleaning the house, and I heard screaming and yelling, like angry voices fighting, so immediately, I am on high alert, and I go looking to see what I need to do to protect my children. I walk slowly into the living room, and it was just a movie playing really low on the tv... I just sat down and cried, but not for too long, I had to pull it together before anyone came in.
This was on the heels of seeing a letter from the past from someone who really appreciated me, and seeing old pictures where I was happy. Pictures that my child says mom you look so different, so happy here... also on the heels of finding out more horrible abuse history.
These memories hurt. They just hurt. They do not feel cleansing . They are not giving me closure. They just suck. They hurt.
I had to develop different helpers. They live in my mind. They are fantasic, but they do not come out when I want them to all of the time. I feel crazy a lot of the time, but then again, what's normal? If people had gone through what I went through from 3 to 30, and we're not using drugs, and did not have helpers, I'm not sure how else they could manage.
No judgement...
It's been a bad day.
