I know what others will say, been there. "If you really love yourself, you wouldn't do it." Or, "It's a sign that I'm hurting deeply inside." Yup. Good connection. Maybe the way I've done it varies from how others think. Off and on for 20 yrs I've engaged in it and at times it was out of anger towards others and other times to stop the emotional pain. But, I don't see it as that bad because the alternative is the next tier up and it's final. I have coping methods, grounding techniques, and I dissociate more often then not. Does anyone share this feeling or am I the only one?
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Self-harm - What Is So Wrong About It?
- Post starter Punky143
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Bristol
Diamond Member
Totally share this feeling! Currently trying to fight it (3 days so far) but im not giving it up cause i want to but because i feel like i should. Cant see why it is so unacceptable really but thats the way it goes!
I don't regret having done it when I needed it. I don't do it any more because I have found other ways to deal with bad emotion, but not all of those are good options either to be honest. I don't think people who use drink, drugs, food etc. to handle their emotions are any better or different.
You do what you need to to cope, but often it is good to learn other ways to deal with the emotions. Hurting yourself is not a 'good' way per say to handle emotions but its better than alternatives.
You do what you need to to cope, but often it is good to learn other ways to deal with the emotions. Hurting yourself is not a 'good' way per say to handle emotions but its better than alternatives.
Honestly, accepting the fact that it wasn't something to be ashamed of was the easiest way for me to stop.
Honestly, it is just a societal taboo. You body your choice. Many cultures praise self harm. If you want control over it, and stop if YOU choose, you have to to assert the right to your own body. Other people don't have a right to tell you what to do with your body. Of course, I wouldn't go around telling people that you are, because they have a different perspective. People who haven't been there can't fully understand.
If you do decide you want to stop of your own free will:
If you look at is a stepping stool down, as in you are allowing yourself to do it temporarily while while you master other techniques, and try to step down to less risky techniques, it also helps with the mind set to stop because you want. What are your internal motivators to stop? Self consciousness of other peoples reactions? Fear of infection? No longer wanting to see visible reminders of painful times on your body?
Honestly, it is just a societal taboo. You body your choice. Many cultures praise self harm. If you want control over it, and stop if YOU choose, you have to to assert the right to your own body. Other people don't have a right to tell you what to do with your body. Of course, I wouldn't go around telling people that you are, because they have a different perspective. People who haven't been there can't fully understand.
If you do decide you want to stop of your own free will:
If you look at is a stepping stool down, as in you are allowing yourself to do it temporarily while while you master other techniques, and try to step down to less risky techniques, it also helps with the mind set to stop because you want. What are your internal motivators to stop? Self consciousness of other peoples reactions? Fear of infection? No longer wanting to see visible reminders of painful times on your body?
joeylittle
Sponsor
Well, every time you do it you are reinforcing a negative coping mechanism.
If you want to stay stuck in that loop, then that's your call.
Are you saying that you would commit suicide in order to express anger towards others, or to stop emotional pain?
If we are specifically talking about cutting - lets get real. There aren't 'tiers' when it comes to bloodletting, there's just 'on purpose' and 'by accident'. One can switch to the other very quickly, and you may not be in charge of when that happens.
I'm of the opinion that self-harmers are in two categories: those that are looking for the endorphin rush, and those that are looking for attention. I do not mean 'attention' as a judgmental thing - very often, when people do not have the ability, or the agency, or even the knowledge that they are in need of help, they turn to creating visible signs that call for help. It's a shame that the 'cry for help' idea is often thought of as somehow 'not real' - because it's very real, and very serious.
Which type are you? Or, do you see another end-goal?
I do it too & see nothing wrong about it. I just have never spoken about it to others because I enjoy knowing I can take myself to a place of being able to "feel" again. I have a ton of physical injuries & ailments that cause me pain 24/7 & all I take is an occasional advil on days I cannot find relief from other outlets. I suspect getting daily beatings from my Mother was to reason I learned to disconnect myself when danger comes my way. It has saved my life on more than one occasion, so I can't really hate my Mom as much as I once did for giving my this "gift/curse"!:arghh; So, I see self harm as an affirmation that I have the ability to feel when I see fit to cause it. Hope that makes sense.:hug:
If you're completely in control of yourself and your emotions, and you self-harm, then maybe there's nothing wrong with it. But can that really be said for any self-harmers? I don't think so.
That's like an alcoholic drinking and saying, "It's totally okay, there's nothing wrong with this, I can handle it."
I agree that self-harming is a better alternative than suicide. And I believe that most of my self-harming when I was younger played precisely that role -- it made me feel again when I was numb, and by doing so, probably prevented me from doing anything worse.
But it also made me start relying on negative coping mechanisms, and only negative coping mechanisms, that branched off into other areas, like substance abuse.
And, if an abuse victim is self-harming, they're also usually reinforcing toxic ideas that resulted from the abuse -- that they deserve to suffer, that it doesn't matter if their body is mutilated because they are somehow subhuman, etc.
I'm not saying that is true for you, but in general, for many self-harmers, I think it is.
That's like an alcoholic drinking and saying, "It's totally okay, there's nothing wrong with this, I can handle it."
I agree that self-harming is a better alternative than suicide. And I believe that most of my self-harming when I was younger played precisely that role -- it made me feel again when I was numb, and by doing so, probably prevented me from doing anything worse.
But it also made me start relying on negative coping mechanisms, and only negative coping mechanisms, that branched off into other areas, like substance abuse.
And, if an abuse victim is self-harming, they're also usually reinforcing toxic ideas that resulted from the abuse -- that they deserve to suffer, that it doesn't matter if their body is mutilated because they are somehow subhuman, etc.
I'm not saying that is true for you, but in general, for many self-harmers, I think it is.
Muttly
Diamond Member
I am very similar. You aren't alone in that. I would rather have a healthy coping mechanism to replace it, but I'm no longer beating myself up when it does happen. And it's gotten much rarer.
In my experience there are tiers. For years, cutting was a way to avoid suicide. It may not have been a good way to do that, but that is how I used it. I would also cut, to avoid over dosing, which I wanted to do to cause greater damage to the body and possible make a "mistake" and die.
There was a time, when I had little control over my SI and things could (and did) switch and escalate quickly. I have done so much SI now, worked so much with therapists, and have better internal communication and now I can manage it well. I understand it's unhealthy coping behaviors, but it is "behaviors". I'm not saying it's a good thing, but it's still better than some of the other behaviors I put into my tool kit.
What about self-punishment? Do you put that under endorphin rush?
In my experience there are tiers. For years, cutting was a way to avoid suicide. It may not have been a good way to do that, but that is how I used it. I would also cut, to avoid over dosing, which I wanted to do to cause greater damage to the body and possible make a "mistake" and die.
There was a time, when I had little control over my SI and things could (and did) switch and escalate quickly. I have done so much SI now, worked so much with therapists, and have better internal communication and now I can manage it well. I understand it's unhealthy coping behaviors, but it is "behaviors". I'm not saying it's a good thing, but it's still better than some of the other behaviors I put into my tool kit.
What about self-punishment? Do you put that under endorphin rush?
joeylittle
Sponsor
If there is a physical sensation that arises from it that is somehow rewarding (I don't necessarily mean pleasant.. just any kind of physical reaction one can feel in addition to/instead of pain) - then yes; even if the emotional component is shame.
Parallel example: I have a very physical response to sugar. It gives me a 'high', and then knocks me out. A little like alcohol, actually. But I can't drink anymore because it is havoc on my meds. Now, I also have a significant weight problem and am pre-diabetic. So, I should avoid sugar for those reasons. But sometimes when I am really really low, I have a sugar craving that is extreme, and tied to:
- the way it will affect me chemically
- the way I will feel during - it's complicated, but it is a kind of self punishment. It's not pleasurable, it's a way to hate myself.
Afterwards, I aways am simultaneously in a state of shame, and in a hazy sugar high, then I crash. Which is where the relief actually is.
That's how self-punishment can have a paradoxical effect. It creates physical sensation that is rewarding and provides relief, in some way.
But - if the punishment is not tied to significant physical feelings; it's instead a way of taking action - then it's a paradoxical attempt to get help. So, you feel bad, you need to do something, you can't/won't turn to anyone, you feel worse, you hate yourself for being so f*cked up, the need to take action intensifies, and you resolve it by causing harm to yourself. Causing harm to yourself is the available option - but people who do this are generally aware on some level that they feel trapped, with no other option than to hurt themselves. They want another option, but don't believe they are allowed it, or don't believe they are worth it, etc. By essentially writing their pain on their body, they can hope that their pain will be seen. People who are in this situation are also often terrified of the consequences of being intervened on - it's an awful kind of being terrified and desperate.
That's how self-punishment can be tied to attention-seeking.
Of course the world is not black and white - so as you said, there's a spectrum, and there are levels of intensity. But I think it's good, if a person has the headspace for it, to figure out what the end goal of their self-harm is.
It's also important to note that not everyone who self harms sees it as tied to suicide. So, if you are a person who views it that way, then that is also information for yourself.
It was never tied to suicide for me. It always came after I endured something emotionally painful. Examples would be catching a ex in the act of cheating, or the news of an unexpected death of a close relative. The fact that I have always had to bear the pain in private and usually enduring abuse at the same time, physical pain was used to endure the emotional pain. Endorphins?
joeylittle
Sponsor
I would guess - that on some level, physical pain was preferential to emotional pain. But only you would know how the physical pain affected you. Ultimately, one still (usually) ends up feeling shitty...did you ever fantasize about someone discovering what you were doing to yourself and somehow opening a door to you being able to talk about things?
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