Sexual Assault Court Case Will It Help Her See Her Behavior?

[Neverthesame]

I took the conversations to a psychotherapist and after a month or so she said she is suffering from c-ptsd and avoidant personality disorder.

Did you do this before or after promising to keep her personal life personal?

I asked the psychotherapist if anything can be done to you change her behavior, get her to address issues as she has vocalized many times throughout the years

You can't make anyone change their behaviour. Sorry but it doesn't work that way.

but I did promise her I would not tell anybody the stuff she's told me

Was any of that information included in what you told us? I hope not.

the judge made a remark about what was relevant

It was a judge. That's what they are supposed to do.
Not that they are never wrong, but you are in their courtroom, you are expected to work within the limits of what they allow as evidentiary.

I looked at him and I was agitated, and asked him if he had taken law school within the last few months

A smartass comment like this. Almost never goes over well.
I can tell you that any time anyone ever speaks to me like that, for any reason. It's not ever gone over well.

He took it very personally and since I hadn't called a jury trial he was the one making the decisions.

He's right. Whether or not his decision is correct, or his education current or not. It's his courtroom, he's in charge. Being a pretentious smartass is the wrong way to get what you want.

so the five year no contact order would mean

Five years of no contact with said individual.

should I put it all out there and hope it helps her see maybe if she saw a court find me not quilty she would wonder why and look into things and see her behavior then maybe it will make her worse.....

You want to spread out all of her dirty laundry for the world to see and judge her on. After you said that you would not do this very thing. Then come to some internet forum asking complete strangers if it's going to be ok for you to do this, to someone else who none of us know?
With nothing to go on other than your stated "good intentions"?
You have a court order to stay away from this person?
I am thinking that might be the best thing.

If you are really looking to help this lady, maybe seeking legal advice from a lawyer, would be best.
Or else, in five years, when you can legally ask her yourself if it's okay to air her personal buisness all over the internet for all to read.

That's what I think would be best.

 

[joeylittle]

@Jopp - here's the best advice I can give you.

You tried. It didn't work. Move on.

Either this woman is manipulating you, or you are obsessed with her, or both. Probably some of both.

The pattern you describe - things are good, then she reveals some more abuse stories, then she gets freaked out/angry, runs away, hurts herself, you try and help....it's not a good pattern. You've escalated the situation by talking to a psychotherapist about her, her brother, her workplace (If I read that correctly) - I'm not surprised you had a harassment charge made against you. You were being inappropriate. And, given the pattern, I'm not surprised that you still think you are supposed to 'save' her.

The judge was correct. Her situation has no bearing on your charges. Why? Because she's an adult.

Get out of the way. Let the pastoral counselors try, if they've a mind to.

And if, after things have stopped being a crisis, she happens to reach out to you again? In my opinion, you need to take that as confirmation that yes, she is sick, but bringing you in and pushing you out is part of her illness - and you should stay completely out of her life, because being part of her unhealthy pattern isn't healthy for you or her.

That psychotherapist, who was willing to look at whatever you showed her, and give a diagnosis of C-PTSD and Avoidant Personality Disorder? Was wrong to do so, and there is no way you can take their assessment as valid.

The judge, who decided against you in the harassment charge? Was right. And if you want to appeal that, you do so based on your own experience. Another poster said it was an intervention gone wrong, I agree with that wholly. You apologize to the court and stay out of the woman's life.

Either way, you stay out of her life. It's the best thing you can do for yourself, and actually - best thing you can do for her as well.

 

[Jopp]

@Jopp - here's the best advice I can give you.

You tried. It didn't work. Mov...

Can you tell me what my question was?

 

[Kintsugi]

You are grasping for someone to validate your actions. You're not getting it. If there is some sort of clarity you can impart to make us all see how really what you're doing is the right thing to do, why deflect JL's opinion by asking her to restate your convoluted question? If there is something here yet to be illuminated that somehow makes it look like you're doing the right thing, just spit it out. Don't passive aggressively challenge someone to summarize your perspective.

Lots of people have taken the time to try and understand your situation and give you honest feedback. You don't seem to realize the value of that, instead pressing for a different response.

 

[Jopp]

Did you do this before or after promising to keep her personal life personal?

You can't make any...

I have a lawyer. He was unable to make it yesterday. And he is handling the appeal however.... MY QUESTON WAS: does anyone know if letting him put everything out in the open had any chance of helping or no ...????? I will not brake a promise especially of that bearing unless it may help.

Weather or not to stay out of her life not the question. And I know she will return. It's been the exact same pattern for 15 years. Atleast 10 times over. I would and think should if possible find and encourage something different tried but the family probably won't.

Her parents/family should not handle anything. The way they handle things is not actually handling them, it's ignoring them.

The judge was not right by state law. As her cognitive thinking or perception is not that of a reasonable persons when she is in the anxiety fear mode. And I never said anything about working????

To the guy talking about revealing secrets online.....Stop talking. I never said anything about doing that. Also this is not a hobby thing as was said. I have responsibilities, friends, a other things besides her in my life, so the flucuating is going to happen. I can't and don't feel I should have to make my life only about her.

 

[The Albatross]

Personally, my opinion would be no. I think you've already done enough.

You... are not the one to haul her into court and declare her unfit or incompetent.

You're really angling and tailoring your dialogue here.

 

[Jopp]

And with the judge what I wanted and what angered me is the lack of understanding or thinking that a person's past has no bearing on them in the present. Mental issues are not understand or taken seriously and it has alot of harmful consequences being seen as less or not being seriously taken.

 

[joeylittle]

Can you tell me what my question was?

This was your question:

should I put it all out there and hope it helps her see maybe if she saw a court find me not quilty she would wonder why and look into things and see her behavior then maybe it will make her worse..... what do I do?

This was my advice:

You tried. It didn't work. Move on.

You asked. I know you think you are on the right side here, but mental health is a complicated thing, and you came to the site because you were looking for input. So, some input may not be what you want to hear. I hope you consider it, anyway.

 

[joeylittle]

MY QUESTON WAS: does anyone know if letting him put everything out in the open had any chance of helping or no ...????? I will not brake a promise especially of that bearing unless it may help.

Ok. Putting what you know out in the open will make no difference, because

• You have no proof it's true
• It may not be true

As far as the court is concerned, all you know is what she's told you and how she's acted. None of that is enough to justify harassment. The only thing it could possibly do for you is mitigate the circumstances, which might result in a lower fine (if there is one). Doubtful it would result in anything else.

the lack of understanding or thinking that a person's past has no bearing on them in the present

Repeat: that trial was about YOU - not her. Not about her past. Not about what may or may not have happened to her.

Unless you observed the abuse directly, you don't know what has actually happened. And unless she is willing to act on her own and get real help, nothing will happen. You cannot turn a stalking charge made against you into a mental health intervention for the person you are charged with stalking. Doesn't work.

I'm sorry to sound harsh - but I'm not sure you understand what the whole picture could be. You clearly care about the woman - and I can only imagine how upsetting it is, to feel like you are standing by and doing nothing - but you've done your best to show her there's another way, and you've gotten her some access to pastoral counseling - those things are great, and that is all you can do.

 

[The Albatross]

There's several questions here but they are all about continuing the quest... to which I say, stop, re-evaluate, self examine and knock it off. Had you taken all of that action with me and likely a good many members here, well let's just say you'd seriously be on the top of my shit list and whatever "message" you were trying to convey flew out the window with your intrusive behavior because my alarm bells and sirens for safety would be ringing so loudly it would likely take a very long time for me to EVER figure out what the heck you were trying to achieve by your actions.


What do you DO? Leave it the heck alone, you've done enough... too much... more than too much.

 

[Kintsugi]

You cannot turn a stalking charge made against you into a mental health intervention for the person you are charged with stalking. Doesn't work.

Yes. Like. X1000000

 

[Jopp]

Ok. Putting what you know out in the open will make no difference, because

• You ha...

Ok reading is not a strong point with a few here. No stalking charge.

Yes trial about me her symptoms are what proves innocence as a normal person does not feel fear of harm by none threatening, email. And no not multiple ones A day or anything like that. So stick only to the question as otherwise you. Would need the details of the entire situation. Which obviously is long. And I was not there at the abuse, I do know what has been told to me over and over more times than I can count. Over nearly half my life. And it is not supposed to be an intervention. The question was to help me decide to go at appeal with only what was needed to show to over turn or go with all info. I have lots of different people who neither suffer or support so I thought this would be a good place to possibly get real advice that is backed by experience and by those that suffer or support. But apparently there is alot of people that don't read well or are personal things from seeing the question only and not assuming things they don't understand because they weren't stated. I know it's hard to not let personal experiences and such in trust me I made that mistake multiple times. The two ministers are who I go to for advice . There is no handbook on this stuff and every situation is different. Trial and error, constitency, unconditional acceptance, support, advice from many adverse areas, and faith is what works and has helped in small amounts each time to get a bit better and make progress. Also the fact every time the cycle begins again she shares things that helped, hurt, and what she was thinking. Always make sure you understand the situation and have all the info before talking. That is a must always