I'm Scared Of My Own Brain

[A little lost]

I'm kinda new to all this so please stick with me.

In counselling this week I finally managed to force words out that I've never told anyone before. It has hammered me mentally and emotionally, and now absolutely everything keeps running in my head like some montage of the experiences from my life in full re-experiencing technicolour. There's no set pattern as to which time I will see at any given moment. It's like EVERYTHING , all of it has just come back fresh all at once.
My counsellor suggested I try to draw rather than say as I cannot bring myself to say it no matter how much I need to ... I refuse point blank to draw it....not even in stickman form. I am not putting on paper a picture of that...It is destroying me to see it all again in my head, there is NO WAY that depraved stuff is being seen by anyone else in any format.
It did get me thinking though that I would like to learn to draw.....just as something to do. I watched a YouTube tutorial on doing portraits and I have ended up absolutely horrifying myself!!!! No matter how many times I try to draw random made up faces from my imagination as a technique practice...I don't really look at the picture as a whole when drawing....when finished I stop and look only to realise I have ended up drawing the faces of nearly all of the monsters from my past. Before this (apart from two) I wouldn't have said I would be able to recognise any of them, I would just know their eyes or whatever. I didn't mean to draw them...I was just sketching random faces, just learning drawing techniques or so I thought!
Now I have a pad with them in it , it's like a crimewatch most-wanted gallery and I'm scared to pick up my pencil to draw anything else...what else am I going to absent mindedly draw???? Why is my head doing this? I feel like I can't even trust my own mind to not betray me. This is just disgusting and vile...I can't do this. I was just trying to find something distracting to do and have made myself feel even worse. Has anyone else had something like this happen please? I don't know what is happening to me,

 

[Deadman]

I remember how frightening it was the first time I realized I couldn't trust my own brain. I can't say much to help aside from saying I understand.

 

[A little lost]

I remember how frightening it was the first time I realized I couldn't trust my own brain. I can't say...

Thanks Deadman. Good to know someone understands and I'm not totally insane.. I'm sorry, It feels wrong saying that. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but I hope you know what I mean.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I'm kinda new to all this so please stick with me.

In counselling this week I finally managed to...

You have to gently guide yourself away from everything now that upsets you, sort of reset your mind. All visuals, all written materials, all of that needs to go into a drawer or other safe place for later.

You have to sort of clean your mind, detox your brain. To me it seems all the visuals of the monsters are upsetting you to the point of destruction.

I know what that feels like. When I have days like that I don't do anything that reminds me of them. I do not talk to others, do not watch TV. I usually just play music or some very bad days I just put on headphones and drown out every sound.

It is sort of like concentrating only on yourself and what you deserve.

 

[One step at a time]

It sounds to me like your head has decided it is time to process your experiences, and this activity leaves just enough room for your unconscious to slip into the process and say what needs to be said.

I would like to echo the fact that it can be very scary when, for lack of a better way of describing it, our brains have a mind of their own...

But you do get to choose how and when you process this stuff, and how and when you cope with the pain that comes with processing.

You could decide to only use art to distract yourself, in which case you may want to switch to abstract stuff or coloring books for a while. You could decide that you only want to do this kind of art in therapy, where you have support and can talk with your therapist about the emotions/memories it brings up. You could decide to continue it as a private practice, and you can learn coping skills for dealing with the feelings it brings up when you do it on your own. Or you can choose some strategy or way that I haven't mentioned.

This is painful, but it is not abnormal. Your brain has decided that you are ready and strong enough to face what you experienced, and that is how the healing process starts.

You are not alone. We are here because we have survived, and now we have come here to learn and to heal.
Welcome aboard.
Sending support.

 

[A little lost]

You have to gently guide yourself away from everything now that upsets you, sort of reset your m...

I'm not doing any of this on purpose Freedomfighter. For example.. I could be doing something as mundane as making a drink and my mind wanders away to something which has absolutely nothing to do with making coffee. It seems that in the moments when I am not actively 100% focused on a task, that is when it is most likely to slide back to replay another snippet..it just happens. That was why I was trying to give myself something to do by learning a new skill....to stop the quieter moments that are the most dangerous for me. Loud chest-rattling heavy metal /rock music used to be my coping mechanism but it no longer works for me, this still breaks through.
When you said to put all written materials away and not to talk to others.....was that a polite way of telling me to go away and leave the site? I've spent my life pretending to the world that everything is ok and maintaining a total silence, just keeping it to myself. I was kind of like the rules of fight club from the Brad Pitt film. " 1)what happens in fight club, stays in fight club...2) there is no fight club....etc. I'm so confused....do I just try and glue the lid back on Pandora's Box? I don't know how to, to be honest, I wish I did know how to parcel this terrifying filth away again and shove it back in the attic.

That's why it is so frightening that I drew them....when I wasn't even thinking ....I didn't sit down to do that an it wasn't my intention ....it was only when I stepped back from my work that I recognised who I'd drawn. Oh god, this is so f***ed up....not that I believe in God any more, so please no one take that as a religious comment.

 

[Dana1010]

there is NO WAY that depraved stuff is being seen by anyone else in any format.

This may have something to do with it. Your insistence on keeping it secret could be preventing release. I say tell your therapist -- that's what they are for.

I find when the most horrifying stuff comes up in my mind, there are two voices: One says, "Oh my God, if anyone knew about this, I wouldn't be acceptable to anyone." The other says, "Oh my God, I have to tell someone about this."

 

[A little lost]

This may have something to do with it. Your insistence on keeping it secret could be preventing releas...

Those are the same two instincts I have with this. If this isn't too personal, could you give me a hint on how you get past the one that says it's too bad to say please? I totally understand if you ignore that question.
I don't know if you saw what I wrote on the Therapy board last Sunday when I first found this forum. I have been tearing myself apart trying to get past the blockage that stops me being able to actually talk directly about it and say what I know I need to say. I actually finally forced myself to say something this week to my counsellor and I immediately regretted it. Her reaction freaked me out to the point that I know I am never going to be able to say any of the darker stuff to her. I virtually ran from the room as soon as I could and I am dreading seeing her this week. Since then the nightmares and flashbacks and memory reruns have all crashed in on me of every single detail from everything and it isn't settling down. I'm scared to sleep, I constantly relive śtuff in my dreams. I feel permanently nauseous and my appetite has vanished. Forcing myself to just say the few words that I said to her has backfired. I know I have to say it and get this out before I can start to deal with it, but it is just so ...erm..I don't even know what word to say here, my brain just locks up when I try to say anything!! I only have 6 sessions left before I am out of sessions with my counsellor, time is running out and then I'm on my own again.
Sorry, I've got to go ,I'm scaring myself again with this....sorry. Thanks for what you wrote Dana1010.

It sounds to me like your head has decided it is time to process your experiences, and this...

Thanks One step at a time. I'm going to give what you said some serious thought and try to find a way that works for me. I didn't want to log off tonight without thanking you. I just wish I knew how to get a grip of my brain and tell it to bloody well stop this constant bombardment of stuff that just makes me want to shrivel up and hide. I already know what happened to me , so why won't it stop ? Anyway, thank you....I really do need to log off and find something to do.

 

[Dana1010]

If this isn't too personal, could you give me a hint on how you get past the one that says it's too bad to say please?

I'm still working on it. Do you sit facing your therapist? I find that I can get more out if I lie down and look at the ceiling or close my eyes instead. If she doesn't have a couch, you could possible bring a yoga mat and use that.

Her reaction freaked me out to the point that I know I am never going to be able to say any of the darker stuff to her.

I don't like the sound of this. Therapists are not supposed to judge, no matter what you say.

I had a therapist get weird and judgmental about something that was none of her business. I had to stop seeing her after a couple months of trying and failing to patch things up

Are you on the public health system? I understand that your options may be limited, so finding a better therapist might not be possible now, (though that is what I'd recommend).

I have no idea what your secrets are or if it would be healthy for you right now to spill them completely or not. However, by the things you've written, it doesn't sound like bottling them up is helping you much.

You might try going to Sunday confession at a church and telling your secrets to a priest. I have done this before, and I am not particularly religious. It could give you some practice saying these things out loud, at least, and you will never have to see the priest again. Priests who take confession are used to hearing things that people are very ashamed of.

 

[Deadman]

Her reaction freaked me out

What was it about her reaction that freaked you out?

 

[Sideways]

I just wish I knew how to get a grip of my brain and tell it to bloody well stop this constant bombardment of stuff t

This stuff is a big deal, because as we work through our trauma in therapy, our heads can become really dark, chaotic places. Learning the best way to manage that is time well spent, because without good management, our heads can make it too damn hard to get through the therapy process. So much so that a lot of trauma Ts these days won't start talking about the trauma at all until they've taught you some coping strategies.

This may be something productive you can work on with your T while you're finding your therapy feet (so to speak). Perhaps ask your counsellor to help you learn some strategies like mindfulness, thought diffusion, healthy disraction techniques, DBT skills. If you're into art, there's some great creative therapy programs around that help you channel the stuff safely. Etc etc.

Different strategies work for different people, but they all require practice to be helpful. But like I said, it's time well spent. There isn't any point in our childhood where we naturally learn the skills to get through trauma therapy safely, but there are plenty of things that can make it a lot easier for you, and far less distressing.

 

[A little lost]

Do you sit facing your therapist?

Our set up is a bit strange. The room is tiny, I've seen bigger broom cupboards. It fits two wingback chairs and a tiny sidetable. I can't physically cope with sitting in the chair for 50 mins due to spine injuries, so I sit on a cushion on the floor which is more bearable.

She insists on sitting on the floor too rather than sit above me. In that tiny room we end up virtually sitting next to, but facing each other, her cushion is next to my ankles and vice versa. The room is so small that when I sit with my back on the wall , my feet are resting on the door on the opposite wall if I straighten my legs. I'm 5'2" to give an idea of scale.

A very uncomfortably close proximity for me as I can't really handle being that close to anyone anymore. However it's either deal with that or not have counselling, so it's just a case of having to live with it.

Are you on the public health system?

No, it's through a women's centre charity. It couldn't do it through the NHS, that wasn't a feasible option for me at all.

I know from fairly recent experience that he simply wouldn't even entertain the idea of referring me. It took me two years of begging my Dr for bereavement counselling following my mum's death before he finally put me on a waiting list for an assessment, then a further 4 months before I was given 6 sessions.

In that 2 years before the Drs in the practice listened to me, they put me on antidepressants and just kept upping the dosage to the point I couldn't physically function properly....but it didn't stop the nightmares of watching her die or deal with my anger about the way she died ( medical malpractice ). Eventually I cut myself off from the meds because I wasn't bloomin depressed, I was grieving and pills don't address the memories.

I finished the bereavement counselling last June and then my sister died in August. I went to ask my Dr for the blood test to see if I had the same possible genetic illness that my sister's post mortem showed up.

I was calm and rational but he just said I was overreacting and was just a "hysterical female". The disease had never been symptomatic in my sister, was never diagnosed yet was a contributing factor in her sudden death and I'm told I'm being hysterical. She was young and healthy as far as anyone knew!

However that is just the reason why I will never in my lifetime go to him or his practice for help with this disgusting vile shit from my past that I have to deal with before I can ever hope to have a normal life.

I know without a shadow of doubt that there is no way that my Dr would refer me for trauma therapy at all. There are no lady Drs and I just couldn't discuss the reasons why I need it with him ...and it has nothing to do with the deaths of my family btw.

I went to the charity in July last year as I felt strong enough after the bereavement counselling that I thought I had the bottle to finally start to process all this other stuff that I've never been able to tell anyone. It took til 6 weeks ago before a counsellor had a vacancy and they wouldn't postpone despite that I'm still dealing with all the legal and practical stuff surrounding my sister's death which happened just after I was put on their waiting list.

I was told I had to accept the offer or refuse with no chance to reapply at a later date, they don't allow postponing because they are an overstretched charity. I can't afford private therapy and I know I have to face this before I end up doing something permanently stupid.

What was it about her reaction that freaked you out?

She was in a seemingly bad mood when I first walked in which didn't help things, but I had already convinced myself before I left home that that was the day I try to get a few very specific words out so she knows the gist of what she is dealing with.

I don't think it was the wisest decision I have ever made, I should have read her mood better and ditched the plan.

She was all huffy about me putting my 'sounds of nature' on my kindle which normally she says is totally fine "if it's what makes you most comfortable" as she says. It was her who originally told me to bring my kindle from day 1 and I've found the sound of rain and waves etc help my brain from sending me totally backwards into reliving the past with no reference of now to sort of keep me here. (I hope you understand what I mean).

This time when my kindle stalled slightly on loading the app she just told me to stop messing around, just leave it alone and forget about bloomin background noise.

She then wasted 10 minutes filling out the 'halfway point assessment form" as we were on the 6th session out of 12.

She got really impatient when I was desperately trying to spit the words out and ended up virtually shouting at me to stop wasting her time and to just bloody say it.( and yes I mean volume and tone).

Her reaction to me telling her the tiniest few words to describe something was that she gasped a very sharp intake of breath and recoiled back before she caught herself doing it.

She then got really snippy with the psychobabble that they are trained to say to try to make you feel safe and comforted I think.....it was just words, her whole presentation of them was that she didn't believe in anything she was saying.

It isn't me projecting how I feel about myself and what I expect her to have reacted like etc.....She really DID do that.

Also she normally gives me a warning of my time at ten minutes before the end so I know we need to start winding it up and calming things down ready to leave, this time it was just a case of ..' Time's up, see you next week!.

Normally she tries to slow me down from diving for the door ASAP when she gives me the warning and then follows me to help me and natter a bit when I sign out of the building. This time she just left the room and strode off in the opposite direction without even so much as a " can you manage the door" which she usually helps me with.

I looked at my watch when I was signing out and saw that she had called time 5 minutes early. So our 50 minutes had lost 15 due to her paperwork and the early finish. However after her immediate horrified reaction I just wanted out of that room anyway, so I guess she did me a favour.

What I told her is horrible but it's one bit that's relatively tame when compared to the later stuff. I wouldn't have thought that she's never come across situations like I went through early on before in her career, yet she reacted like she was repulsed by me.

I've tried to think wtf was the matter with her and every time it comes back as she was revolted.....and I haven't even told her much beyond a few very specific individual words to say what that particular time involved. The rest is a lot worse.