Childhood I Remember Something New And I'm Scared And Worried

[pugsnotdrugs]

I'm feeling really worried and scared and really embarrassed and i don't have anybody i can talk to about this and i don't know what to do so i thought I'd ask on here. I was sexually abused by my grandad for quite a long time when i was little I'm currently waiting to see if my case goes to trial I'm now 18 but im suffering from dissociative episodes. Ive remembered something else from what happend and I've known for a while i had anal sex with my grandad and i don't know what to do it haunts me and i feel so scared but the question i have is what if.i told a medical professional or one of the professionals i work with would they be able to tell that i had anal sex even after all this time would they be able to tell if we had anal sex I'm so worried and scared and i just need some help :( please help me

 

[Deleted member 40995]

I'm not sure about the answer to your question, but I just want to tell you how sorry I am that you went through that and experienced that. It is very brave of you to open up here, I know it can be difficult. I was also sexually abused by a family member and I know it is so stressful and scary to deal with. As hard as it is, try to breath deeply and try to think about something else to get your mind off of this, you have to take care of yourself during hard times like this, try to relax and clear your mind, keep thinking "it will be okay", and focus on that (I know it's easier said than done, but it can help :) )

 

[Bristol]

I dont think they would be able to tell. The problem with all this is very often there isnt any proof to be had all you can do is trust what you remeber, i totally relate to looking for proof but i really dont think there would be any physical evidence after all this time

 

[Missycat]

Im not sure if they would be able to tell if they examined you. What is the reason for you wanting this? Is it to support your memory and the potential court case?
I am so sorry that this happened to you. Are you having therapy , i hope so and that it is helping you.
Take care.

 

[Ocin]

Due to some of my own excessive medical journal research in the past month or so it is possible there are findings but lack of findings on exam does not refute your memory and a medical expert for the defense could argue the point that the finding (if you did have such evidence on exam) is not always due to anal rape. That is what defense attorneys do.

I only know the system here, but we have child abuse assessment centers where the mental health and physical exam etc are completed together by professionals that do this routinely. That is the only place I would consider having this evaluated because I know that it was not typical for general medical training to get the finer points of sequelae of anal rape in kids. Plenty of pediatricians and GPs just don't realize how horrifically common this sh*t is, and unwittingly reinforce to the patient that it's all in their heads. I just want you to believe in what you know to be true, and recognize that medicine is imperfect.

Court and law are only one side of this, the other side is recovery and working through the inherent battle of PTSD to both remember and to forget the trauma.

Sharing this with someone you trust just to get it out is a good idea, you know your current providers. My advice above is more for the purpose of looking for proof of a historical assault on current physical exam-- medical experts in child abuse are more likely to know the subtle findings and be able to document them in such a way that they can be used in a court setting.

Good luck, I am sorry you've had to remember this, but for me knowing is so much better than not remembering. Just this year I remembered simultaneous vaginal/anal sexual assault by two family friends when I was between 6-8 yr old, and also recall having problems defecating around that time and also later noting a bulge around my anus and telling my mom, who did not take me to the Dr and then asked my grandma's physician during her visit about my symptom (so inappropriate) and then returned and told me it was fine, just a fissure. Now I know that was likely due to the rape, and fissures are not typical in kids (but are not a definite sign of abuse). So sorry that you've been hurt like this.

 

[XXbabydollXX]

I'm feeling really worried and scared and really embarrassed and i don't have anybody i can talk t...

They might not be able to tell. I'm sorry about what happened to you.Sending Love. God Bless

 

[Lenie]

I'm feeling really worried and scared and really embarrassed and i don't have anybody i can talk t...

I personally have never been sexually abused. I feel sorry that you are suffering and had to go through such a terrible event. I can't imagine how it feels to be violated sexually by a family member. From personal experience, I can tell you flashbacks from things you don't want to remember sucks a big one. It's like your reliving it over and over again. The best thing to do is to distract yourself from it. Do a 360 from what your doing. I know trying to be normal is hard and trying to fit in and be like everyone else is hard. I'm feeling the same way you're feeling, depressed and wanting everything to be normal. You have to create the new normal and get out of your head. Good luck on your journey through this. You are loved and will get over this. Believe in yourself.

 

[Rumors]

@pugsnotdrugs
I love your user name! It is really cute. . Listen, I wanted to send some support your way and let you know that this is a great place to type out those fears. It is unlikely an exam would show anything unless there was some permanent damage done. I wanted to add that I am sorry you are scared and worried. I hope it will ease your mind when I tell you that there are many of us here with similar stories and have been through similar experiences that will listen and share. Hang in there...

 

[Deleted member 8714]

@pugsnotdrugs
I was sodomized by my father, my main perpetrator. It happened ages ago, 50 plus years. I'm still dealing with those memories today because of the way in which my father assaulted me.

At first I didn't trust my memories about what happened. However, as more memories emerged many things began to make sense to me. For instance, starting in 2007 I'd always have flashbacks in the shower about something like that happening. I immediately denied the flashbacks because at that time I didn't know about my father sodomizing me. After the memories came out four years later I was a believer in all of my flashbacks. I've never had a nightmare about the sexual abuse though. I find that interesting too. Everything came through as flashbacks and then I'd write a story about it. I think my mind couldn't cope with having a nightmare about it. I used to dissociate and had DID; 100 plus alters and many more fragments. I integrated in 2005-6 so I no longer had that barrier from my memories. Maybe that's why I didn't have nightmares about it. Vivid flashbacks and images are enough.