Why Can't I Stop Thinking About Killing Myself

[maya]

I know it would hurt my friends and family. I know that probably part of me doesn't want to and it's just the part of me that does want to that's loudest right now. I guess I know recovery is possible but it really doesn't feel that way for me. The last few months have been so tough and I just really f*cking hate myself. I take my medication and I do some self care every day and I'm in therapy... And so what? I'm still really depressed just like I have been since I was a kid. If I'm better in some ways I'm worse in others. I think about suicide every day and the more I think about it the more sense it makes. Uggggg I'm just so sick of feeling so awful!!!!

 

[Deleted member 36516]

I know it would hurt my friends and family. I know that probably part of me doesn't want to and it's just...

Me too my friend... Also I can't stop thinking about killing my self ... I feel lifeless ...

 

[One step at a time]

I have felt that way before, too, and I no longer do. You wrote that you understand this on some level, but I'll confirm it anyway:
There are ways out of this pain that do not involve dying.

If you feel comfortable answering two questions, it would help me respond in the most appropriate/helpful/productive way that I can:
Are you looking for strategies for fighting this feeling? Are you looking for support? A listening ear? Or something else?
Do you have a formal PTSD diagnosis?

 

[DharmaGirl]

Early in my therapy I felt that way every day. Now I rarely do. It is a thought, not a fact, nor does it have to be an action. Do you discuss these feelings with your therapist?

 

[Deleted member 541]

@maya I so get where you are coming from. When I'm in the bowels of depression, killing myself is all I think about too. But..... I'm really not trying to kill myself, (even though I have attempted 9 times) it's the pain that I want to stop.

So, I will ask you this..... is it your life that you want to end, or is it the pain of living with the depression?????

 

[maya]

I have felt that way before, too, and I no longer do. You wrote that you understand this on...

Thanks for your support everyone. Yes I have a ptsd diagnosis, also depression and panic disorder. I guess I posted just to get it out in the air and feel some relief just by saying it and getting support. I talk about this stuff w my therapist but I don't want to stress out my friends and family so that's why I wrote it here. What I want is a way to deal with these thoughts and feelings and I feel like I have tried so many things already! Sometimes I feel like there's something wrong with me because I'm not better, again I know that's stupid but I still think and feel it :/ @She Cat is right, it's the pain I want to kill, but when I'm feeling so sad and worthless I conflate the pain with myself. I guess I don't know what I want or need.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Sometimes I just accept that I have these thoughts, depression and anxiety and just go with them. When I'm triggered I can't. It's a slippery slope that I just can't seem to get my footing and down I go.

All I can offer to you @maya is therapy, healthy coping skills, boundaries, and being kind to yourself. Sounds lame I know.....

 

[Pithy]

I feel that way too. It made me seek out forums like this. It seems like for a lot of people it's easy to find worth in seeing the next day but I struggle with it constantly.

 

[Abigail7]

Hang on to those thoughts that you'll hurt others if you hurt yourself. Some of us are so far gone that we don't even have that to hold on to. In theory I know that people "care" but never in a million years would I believe that my absence would hurt anyone, just the opposite is what I actually believe. If anyone knows how to fix this, I'm all ears.

 

[Deadman]

I have an alternate way of fighting the suicidal thoughts. For a long time I had a number of people who not only wished me serious harm they took steps to make it happen. When I had suicidal thoughts I thought of them and how happy my suicide would make them. Deciding to live was my big 'f*ck you' to them.

"Living well is the best revenge" - George Herbert

 

[Phoenixx]

I know it would hurt my friends and family. I know that probably part of me doesn't want to and it's just...

You poor thing. I'm struggling with horrible thoughts too. How to snap out of it? Its not easy.

 

[DharmaGirl]

One really important thing is to write down 5 things you are grateful for every day. Every day. I know it sounds pollyanna, but it gets the focus on other things. Can you do this? You too Phoenixx. Five different things every day.