So many years fighting. i give up.

[Fight4Life]

Hello all, I am 21 years old right now and I am still feeling the mental effects of being bullied.I've continuously opened up lots of upsetting stories about my teenage past to my father, brother and occasionally a counsellor. I've still got a few more bothersome stories that I have not told or voiced, yet I've gotten so sick of fighting this that I just want to give up. I really can't be bothered to open up anymore nor fight this any longer. It is so sickening! What should I do to get my life back? It's been so many years and I always feel that I could be on the tail end of being free from the depression but I am still coming to no avail. I just want to be free and live like a normal human being. Any help?

 

[The Albatross]

Endeavor to commit to recover and stick around... lots of experience and assistance here.

 

[Fight4Life]

Endeavor to commit to recover and stick around... lots of experience and assistance here.

Thanks, I will try and continue. I've lost all motivation to continue trying and feel too burned out to continue opening up so much, since it leaves me extremely vulnerable and no matter how many times I do it, I just can't always trust everyone. Sometimes I even feel that I'm way too open and should tone it down. It's just never easy.....

 

[LadyZane]

It's hard to keep fighting! If opening up is burning you out, maybe pull back for a little bit? A few days, a few weeks, whatever feels like it might give you a break to collect your thoughts and recharge? We all need a break from active processing sometimes.

 

[Deadman]

@Fight4Life What is it that you are fighting?

 

[Fight4Life]

@Fight4Life What is it that you are fighting?

It's repressed memories to do with bullying. I used to always bottle up my feelings when I was younger and now I'm feeling the after effects as I'm older. It was a lot worse years ago but now it's definitely gotten better, but my mind still doesn't feel clear.

My main point though was that I've tried fighting this for so long now that I just go any longer. Honestly, I've opened up more times than I could count on both hands but I'm still not fully cured. Any other person would not be feeling this at all or be completely healed by now , but I'm not. Not only that but I'm not enjoying having to express my weakness and always leave myself vulnerable, even if I tell someone that I would trust. No matter how many times I do it, it feels like torture, just having that certain thought of opening up to somebody, regardless if I trust them or not.

 

[VioletButterfly]

The road to recovery is a very long and often twisted path for most of us. Are you working with a therapist and have you spoken to your doctor about how you're feeling? The mind, emotions, spirit, and body all work together so you could have a few things going on that you're not aware of that could be causing depression and/or exhaustion. It all kind of works together. Support is essential at many, if not all, points in recovery.

Also, you talk about expressing yourself to others and talking about what has happened to you. What are you wanting from them? Do you talk to yourself about how you feel? What are you expecting from yourself? Do have a journal where you could share with yourself what you've been through, then show yourself some self-compassion for what you've been through and what is still being revealed to you via memories? Maybe you need to hear "your" voice and hear "your" feelings. That's a lot of work. I still have trouble with hearing my own voice and being compassionate with myself, but I'm in it for the long haul so I take it one day at a time and see what I can manage.

Hoping you find what you need to help you keep going. There is a lot of good information out here and a lot of support. Take care. VB

 

[Deadman]

I've opened up more times than I could count on both hands but I'm still not fully cured.

OK so maybe opening up is not working for you. Its doesn't work for everyone. Have you looked at other options? Learning tools to cope?

Any other person would not be feeling this at all or be completely healed by now

I challenge that statement. You can't compare yourself to others. Some will heal quicker, some slower. None of them are you.

 

[Fight4Life]

OK so maybe opening up is not working for you. Its doesn't work for everyone. Have you looked at other options? Learning tools to cope?

Actually it has worked very well for me. I'll admit though, it isn't good to always bottle things up but sometimes I feel as if it isn't necessary to talk about everything, even with just one person. A big part of it is fear of being looked at the wrong way and I'll also admit that I like to keep things to myself. Another part of it, is that I don't like to annoy that person when I have already opened up about so many other past memories that use to replay over my mind but have thankfully diminished. There are some different ones that have unexpectedly popping up and making me paralysed . For me, seeing a counsellor isn't as effective opening up to someone very close, but at the same time it's harder because of that already mentioned slight fear of rejection, even when it has been done before. The harder ways of coping do come with greater rewards.

I challenge that statement. You can't compare yourself to others. Some will heal quicker, some slower. None of them are you.

I'm not gonna touch on the personal lifes of others, but it's been so hard for me to cope with my main occupation that I am completely let down that I haven't recovered the way I've hoped. I have so many big priorities for myself, yet I haven't been able to cope nor concentrate on what matters because of some insecure stuff that randomly replays through everyday of my busy life. Honestly, I'm surprised that I've gone as far as I did in ensuring that I have fully treated myself, yet I'm still getting dodge ball setbacks thrown at me, even despite having to try and still keep myself focused on what realistically matters.

 

[Deadman]

yet I'm still getting dodge ball setbacks thrown at me

Yup. If that wasn't part of PTSD there wouldn't be so many people on this forum. Setbacks are part of the deal.

 

[talon]

Hello all, I am 21 years old right now and I am still feeling the mental effects of being bullied.I'...

Well they say best form of revenge is to get better this is certainly true of anyone who has DID / PTSD / CD or other conditions relating to trauma often impacting for years on those who are seen as victims. I have now learned i was not a victim but a survivor as you are to. Dr Phil's 10 life laws helped me and the fact that my abuser's cannot hurt me anymore. Look up Dr Phil's you will find his take on life of great help. Life Law 2 will explain what you need to do good luck

 

[Fantine]

Hi Fight4Life:

I feel as if I'm reading a message from myself at 21. (I'm now in my 40s.)

Can you find a way to avoid what is triggering these thoughts? Are there certain sounds, smells, places, songs that take you to a dark place? Maybe if you can determine what your triggers are, then you can find a way to cut them out of your life as much as you can.

And healing really is a process. You find ways to twist, maneuver, bend, reach --- whatever you need to do ---- in order to have comfort and peace. So you might consider changing your focus from one of trying to be done with healing, to one of looking forward. How can you make today and tomorrow what you want them to be? That might be one change in perspective that will give you some relief.

.02 given.
Fantine