Okay. We had the therapy. He needs space. He wanted nothing ever again - I broke a major trust with him, I emailed his therapist and he was infuriated because he said it was the only safe place he has in the world- I didn't understand or realize that he would react that way- I only wanted to reach out, to help, to understand and ask for couples therapy at the VA with her or someone there, but he saw it as a breach on my part- I didn't know!! My therapist - she's so so good- she asked him if he would compromise and not cut me off completely-we made an agreement and he's going to text me in 2 weeks and I'm going to leave him completely- completely alone for that time. He left the door open a crack. He was okay to compromise. I'm okay with it. I'm ok with it. Something about having her there to set up a guideline worked. For both of us I think. It's so hard for me to deal with him going through this. It's so easy for everyone to say "just leave him alone"... or worse "just leave him"....my heart says "until when?! I'm loosing my man! It's so scary! My best friend, the LOVE OF MY LIFE!!" But this has helped me. There is now a specific linear path. I can work with that. It's the not knowing that was killing me. My therapist sees why I love him so much. He is a good man. She agrees, he is worth fighting for. I'm fighting myself I realized. For me, his distancing triggers me horribly. I feel abandoned. It's the hardest thing for me to do- to put aside my instincts to love on him, to check in with him every day to make sure he's ok, to let him know he's not alone. I want to soothe his angst and comfort him and it's hard for me to understand that is not what he needs because that is how I function. He doesn't. He is that strong man who feels his healing will come to him by himself alone. I have to accept that. It hurts. I went to bed crying and I woke up crying. But I will do this. I will manage myself and give him what he needs. I want him to heal. I want him to be happy again. And I'm still going to wait and be here when he comes through the other side. I have a lot to face on my own from all the things that have been triggered in me. So I will do this. Every day I will take little steps. I will breathe and focus on my stuff. I will let him be. And I will hope and pray for him, and for us.
