Relationship Lost my veteran to ptsd

[sniperwifey]

I've posted before on my situation. Basically a battle of 6 years with my suffering Veteran. Some say he could be borderline, but in all honesty, he served a great deal in war. He was a sniper, and I don't wish to label him otherwise.

I'm coming to grips that perhaps we will divorce for good. Six years we battled his PTSD, and this past year, he chose not to acknowledge he has PTSD anymore, he believes he is fine. He is not close with his family, but I still remain in contact with them. His brother and his father, the only two who speak to him, they say they don't know him anymore, and he is still in combat mode.

Do our Veterans ever heal? What about their spouses? Veterans have a high rate of divorce, as well as suicide. It is sad because I know my Veteran is suffering. He came to visit our daughter and he found some of his old gear at our house, and he took it with him "because he has to come to grips that his military life is over", mind you, he's been out for 5 years. He also mentioned Chris Kyle, and other military things.

PTSD is a horrible mind-f***. Absolutely no one can understand what a Veteran goes through, and his family.

I invested 6 years to my veteran, but it wasn't enough to overpower the 5 tours he did to defend our nation.

I did not know how to handle his anger. Absolutely no one guided us, no therapist truly understood how to work with these situations, not even the Vet Center. I admit, I did a lot of wrong. I am a strong-willed woman, and I absolutely gave my Vet a taste of his medicine. I know now that that is wrong, thats an unfair thing to do. I can't reverse time, I can't make up for anything. I did become passive, for a year. I withdrew for a year, and with that, my Vet kept on doing his PTSD thing. I don't blame him, and I never will.

But here I am, unable to fix our family. My daughter has a father, but he's an ocean away. He sees her once a month, and her heart breaks every time. Here I am, raising a 4 year old, alone. He hasn't filed for a divorce yet, but he says he will.

PTSD is a horrible thing. Especially when you sign up to defend our nation, and PTSD isn't disclosed. Can you imagine what our Veterans go through daily? Traffic alone used to make my Veteran freak out, and I knew it was to avoid any danger, and to not be a target. My Veteran refused to be flashy, so he wouldn't be a target. Wherever we went, the exits were spotted.

Cheers to all of you who are sufferers or with someone suffering. You've made it this far.

I love the book 7 Principals of a Successful Marriage by Grottman. Give it a go!

 

[LuckiLee]

Hello there. So sorry you are going through this! Your husband sounds like he is in a bad place and I pray for him. I can relate to all you have written. However my Vet is in therapy (x5 years) and works very hard at it.
If your guy refuses to continue treatment there is really nothing you can do. He has to follow through with it. And 9 out of 10 times it gets worse when starting therapy. J was in the same place as your hubby when we got together. Suicidal even. He made the call to the suicide support line and never looked back. He had 2 divorces and his kids don't really communicate with him. I don't blame them he was an untreated veteran with 8 deployments. His PTSD was out of control.
Here we are 5 years later and doing well. PTSD is still a s.o.b. but we are dealing with it together. That's all we can do. I'm sending prayers, strength and guidance to you and your family. And I pray your Veteran doesn't give up! ✌ &❤ to you and your guy!!

 

[sniperwifey]

Hello there. So sorry you are going through this! Your husband sounds like he is in a bad place and I p...

Thank you so much for your support & glimmer of hope. I know I can't control or fix this, but it does suck. No one quite knows what its TRULY like to be w/a combat Vet w/PTSD. My Veteran at this point thinks that I was the stem of all of his problems. I know I am not, but it still sucks to not be in control of that logic/illogic. My vet was in therapy for 3 years, weekly. And we saw no change in our marriage but he became a very good father. Since our separation, he says he's fine, and everyone thinks he has PTSD. Somehow he lost that, and now he thinks he's a-okay.

I pray too, and I hope he can find his way, because I still love him.

I'm glad your situation is positive. It takes a lot of strength to overcome the beast. You're a strong person too! I know the daily struggles.

Much love.

 

[LuckiLee]

It's kinda like they can have relapses.
A few years back J thought he was doing good and he was. But HE decided he didn't need all of his meds and stopped them. Not good to say the least. To his defense though, they did have him on a few meds that he discontinued using. I found some information online about "combat PTSD" which was helpful. Technically not a diagnosis because PTSD is PTSD. But with the training our guys have had it's a little different. Especially with the anger /rage. IMO. Keep us posted!

 

[sniperwifey]

It's kinda like they can have relapses.
A few years back J thought he was doing good and he was. But HE...

My husband refuses meds, even though they did prescribe them. At what point did your Vet think meds were an option? My Vet is anti-meds and I usually approach things 'naturally' but in this case, I wish I could see if meds would help him.

 

[LuckiLee]

J has been on every antidepressant available. And he hated them all. Said he didn't feel like himself. Now he just uses Valium, marijuana and exercise. Occasionally when his nightmares are relentless he uses prazosin. We decided to try valium as it is used for anxiety. It seems once you can control the anxiety the other symptoms are a little more manageable. It has worked for about a year now. Does your man have anyone to talk to? J was involved in the VFW and it helped by connecting him with other veterans just like him. ❤

 

[grimalkin]

My Veteran at this point thinks that I was the stem of all of his problems. I know I am not, but it still sucks to not be in control of that logic/illogic. My vet was in therapy for 3 years, weekly. And we saw no change in our marriage but he became a very good father. Since our separation, he says he's fine, and everyone thinks he has PTSD. Somehow he lost that, and now he thinks he's a-okay.

Sounds familiar. My soon to be ex has PTSD, but not from his service (or at least not JUST from his service...who knows at this point). I am trying very hard to come to grips with the fact that it's no longer any of my business what he thinks of me and my role in the end of our marriage. I'm willing to accept my share of the blame (co-dependence, my own mental illness), but not all of it. And he thinks that as he calms down because he is getting out from under the stress of being in a relationship, he thinks that it (the relationship) and me were the problems after all.

And then he'll turn around and say, "See, I told you I was f*cked up and you didn't listen!" As if he ever told me he has PTSD (or that he acknowledged it previously). And I don't think he'll EVER admit his PTSD may have contributed to his other failed marriages - both women were crazy and controlling, of course.

It's so hard to just let go. Let him have his truth, no matter how disordered it is. Another of my own failings, I suppose, to want to assert my side when he's just not interested in hearing it or dealing with it. So, I shut up and attempt to move on. Coming from me, it will just be more "proof" of my attempt to manipulate and control him.

I honestly do not see "my" sufferer ever being willing to try meds. He won't try therapy of any sort right now (huge distrust of psychiatrists/psychologists because of...yup, childhood trauma related to them). And given how he can sometimes get about MY meds for depression and anxiety...even when he knows it's what has literally kept me alive, I can't see him being willing to even try.

Now I understand why so many sufferers say we are better off without them. The crazy-making is bad enough for them, much less us.

 

[SiSiD]

Sniperwifey, your post describes so much of where I am. Hubby and I were married 13 years before his deployments and PTSD, and it's been 10 years since his diagnosis and retirement. He's been in treatment the last few years, (but I think he has 'topped out' his current dr), and he has vastly improved. But we have been through so much bad, so much hurt and pain, and there is still so much anger built up in him, and he seems to save it all for me.
The smallest argument or misunderstanding leads to him cussing and demeaning me, calling me names, saying anything he knows will hurt me, including that he hates me, he doesn't want to be married, and he wants a divorce. Usually, I am able to talk him down later and bring him back, but its getting to the point that I feel like I'm the only one still trying. I feel stupid for hanging on. I love him so and want it to work so badly, but I am on the verge of giving up. I fear that when I give up it will be over. I fear that even if he does want it to work, he won't try. I am so lost.

 

[Lem]

Sniperwifey, your post describes so much of where I am. Hubby and I were married 13 years before his depl...

Hey I completely understand. Having one of those days myself where its just me trying and hubby just demanding that everything is fine. And I should just be okay with whatever crazy thing he wants to do. Lately it is sitting on the couch and scrolling facebook 16 hours a day. Not talking nothing just scrolling scrolling all day. For days. I have a fifteen month old and I don't know what to do. This isn't what I want J to see growing up. His Dad will literally not leave the house. :(

 

[dulcia]

My husband refuses meds, even though they did prescribe them. At what point did your Vet think meds were an option? My Vet is anti-meds

The med discussion is a hard one in my relationship. He's tried coping with alcohol and with weed, he's tried individual therapy, he's tried group therapy, but has pretty consistently been against the meds. For mine, I think it was the trial and error of it all. They'll give him new meds, then up the dose higher and higher until he's too tired to actually do anything, let alone feel anything. As if numbing is the solution to managing. And then there is never any follow up with him as to the effects of the meds, which are sometimes changed 3 months later anyway. It's a frustrating process for me as a civilian, I can't imagine going through all of that with a PTSD diagnosis and with the inconsistent tele-docs his VA uses. With that being said, my vet started up more consistently with meds again after things got physical between us on one particular occasion, and around the same it came out that he had been texting inappropriately with someone outside of our relationship and lying about it. I think he started them again as a way to say hey look, I'm trying! to me, not necessarily because he thinks they will help, although I don't push him either way in regards to treatment. However, the new meds do help him sleep a little better, what with the nightmares, isn't a bad thing. If he took them consistently, there may be room for other improvement.

 

[anonymous]

My son is at AIT. We are an ARMY family now and as such thank you and your husband and I am so sorry and we support you 150 percent and I will say a prayer for you guys. My eldest daughter married an Army vet with PTSD. My cPTSD is not related to the service. God bless you.