Abused my dog back then...can't forgive. depressed..

[Peruve]

So I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder a couple of weeks ago, and I have been suffering with this for 4 months now as I hadn't really talked to anyone about it until a few weeks ago. This has caused me to become very depressed lately, I'm crying myself to sleep, to the point of exhaustion where I won't have any energy left to cry no more.. I have seen a counsellor a couple of times which has helped a bit and have been prescribed with valium to help me through the really rough days, which is almost every day. The hardest part was telling people and opening up, like my parents. They've been very helpful to get me through this, I could not be more grateful.
With all this depression, memories from the past have been finding their way to the surface and making me feel really guilty, to the point where I have been having suicidal thoughts...

The worst memory that I remembered, was yesterday... I feel like I sexually abused my family dog back when I was about 12-14 years years old (I'm 19 now). I made it orally lick me down there... I sexually experimented quite a lot in my youth and I knew no better, but feel like I would be able to acknowledge that what I did was wrong. I know that the dog maybe didn't really know what was going on and was just a jolly well happy dog the next day, just like every other day. But I feel disgusted in myself and can't believe I would do such a horrible disgusting thing. I know very well that I would definitely not do such a thing now, or anything else morally wrong. The moment that memory popped in to my head, I cried my eyes out for a good hour or two before sleeping from exhaustion. I had never thought about that memory until just now, 6-8 years later. I feel I like can't live with myself anymore knowing I did such a thing, and Im constantly remembering it whenever Im facing my mum or anyone really and just feel like saying to them what I did; "I did that back then! Im disgusting! I don't deserve to be happy!" . But I really can't tell my mum what I did as I will just be really ashamed of myself. I've come very close to telling my mum, but I really dont want to. I was thinking of telling my therapist about it, but maybe even they would think I'm a sick person or something..I sometimes think, heck, people out there have done way worse things like cheat on their spouse, kill someone, rape a child, actually kill a dog etc. and i am here dwelling on something quite insignificant compared to all those things and even having suicidal thoughts, but I can't help it, I've become very sensitive lately, emotionally unstable and enjoying life at all.

In general, I feel really guilty over things that I did years ago and these thoughts have been resurfacing now these days because of my anxiety and depression situation. I can't forgive myself, and I know I must learn to, and to stop feeling guilty about things, either big or small, that happened in the past as it doesn't matter any more, but I can't accomplish this, and I'm slowly driving myself down a very dark sad road...I feel very weak by this, and I sometimes wish I was the type of person who does not feel bad or guilty for any actions they would make just so I could continue with my life.

Sorry for rambling on, this is my first post on here, I just felt like I had to tell someone, even if it is just me writing text on a computer screen telling you fellow strangers about this...
Thank you for listening to me.

 

[Gadet]

Ok, well this is going to make me not anon but thats ok.

I grew up in a cult. One of the rituals was full on sex with dogs. It is one of the rituals I brought into adulthood. My dog isn't intact so oral was the only thing we could do, which is good. It was still one of the rituals I was doing when I first came to the site. I was 34 at the time I first joined. So thats a LONG time of doing it as an adult. Knowing it was wrong but having no idea why I was doing it or how to stop.

I stopped shortly after, a few months after coming to the site and strifgling with it. I had a lot of very understandable backlash, I guess, from folks here. Anyway, my point? You were a kid, playing out things that likely happened to you. Many kids that weren't sexually abused end up doing this. Later understanding its wrong and stopping from what I've seen. Its easy to beat myself up and take it out on muself but the way I framed it (with help of my therapist) that it was trauma reenacting and very common (trauma reenacting that is). I have a thread on that in polls. So you need to start to frame it differently. Its hard, I know, but you can start to frame it differently. When I finally got it reframed I started to forgive myself for that, and for really worse things I have done. You can do that. I know you can! :hug:s

 

[Wuda]

So I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder a couple of weeks ago, and I have been suffering with this for 4 month...

You said you were thinking about telling your therapist - I'd really encourage you to do that.

The first step will probably just be learning how to accept that it happened, without either spiraling down into intense self-loathing or trying to pretend it's all OK now.

It will get easier once you start talking.

You don't have to make excuses for it, or brush it away, or diminish it. But there is a way to reconcile yourself to what you did, and stop carrying so much guilt.

Posting here was a great first step.

 

[Uzo]

You said you were thinking about telling your therapist - I'd really encourage you to do that.

Yes! I totally forgot to say that. I wasn't ablw to stop nor was I able to move past it and stop the punishing until I voice it and gained my therapist's helped. We worked on it for some time, and some time after but yes, its what helpes me for sure! I won't lie. Its super hars to but necessary in my opinion!

helpes

Helped*

hars

Hard*

 

[Owiw]

Ok, well this is going to make me not anon but thats ok.

I grew up in a cult. One of the rituals was full on sex with...

Thank you for taking the time to read this and reply quickly!
Even today I woke up, and was chatting with my mum and the only thing I was thinking about was the thing I did to the dog. I feel like Im going to be thinking about that thing for the years to come whenever Im talking to someone, especially my mum or family. This morning I came really close to telling her again but I know shouldn't, its really killing me inside.
You said before, that I was just a kid, and many kids do this sort of thing, but I just can't get it out of my system.

I thought writing it down and telling some people like on here would help, but Im not sure if it has. Should I tell my therapist? I feel like my therapist will look at me differently after I do...And I feel the only way I can be "free" is by telling the whole world and especially my mum.

Also, have you learned to get rid of guilt and forgive yourself for things you've done? I feel like I have to learn how to do that as this dog thing was just one incidence, im sure there will be more things to come that I will feel guilty about in the future for sure

 

[Apig]

I am glad you posted. I had a similar experience with a dog. Plus when I was in elementary school, I was very cruel to a cat one time. I love animals and I have never forgiven myself. I understand I may have been hurt and angry and acting out but the suffering I induced on this animal continues to bother me more than any act in my life. I wish that memory would go away.

It is very hard to accept the hurt we received but harder to accept the hurt we caused.

 

[Akin]

I, too, experimented very much in the same manner with a dog. I also remember trying to choke our pet cat one time, but luckily I didn't follow through because of guilt in the moment, and still feel the guilt come rushing in every once in a while when that memory revisits. I go out of my way to not cause harm and it sickens me to know I was so close to taking it's life. It's really difficult to navigate a brain and body that's been programmed in ways it never should have been.

 

[Fiwesew]

Should I tell my therapist?

Yes! I wouldn't tell your mom. Just in my experience, telling my family about my past went way wrong. But I would tell your therapist. Remember, this is what they do. I didnt tell my therapist for a very long time and struggled getting it out when I was trying to tell him but once I got it out, he wasn't suprised nor did he look at me differently.

have you learned to get rid of guilt and forgive yourself for things you've done?

What I have done includes a ton of stuff, including being forced to kill animals and eventually doing it without force. So partly. I was able to stop the punishing for it and understand why I did it. That monsters don't feel guilt later. Its taken a few years for me though. It starts by telling your therapist.

 

[Cudamu]

Yes! I wouldn't tell your mom. Just in my experience, telling my family about my past went way wrong. But I would t...

Okay, thank you very much for the help and advice. I've already booked an appointment with my therapist and I am seeing him tomorrow which is good, and I am prepared to tell him everything. I just really hope I am strong enough to hold back from telling my mum...

 

[Uzo]

just really hope I am strong enough to hold back from telling my mum..

What do you think you would get, from telling your mum? Are you looking for her to punish you? Comfort you?

 

[Fiwesew]

I just really hope I am strong enough to hold back from telling my mum..

I'm not saying not to tell your mom but my personal experience of telling family and trying to explain to "lay people" (non-therapist people) about mental health stuff and trauma stuff isn't good. Telling family is the one thing I really wish I could take back. So I would tell your therapist first then see if they think telling your family is a good idea. Though my therapist encouraged me to tell my dad and when I finally did it went all wrong. But your family isn't mine so you need to decide if that is a good idea. However, think of the possible cons that can come of it as well as the pros. Not all lay people understand nor are they all suppprtive. But many are. Not sure if that makes sense.

For your therapist, take your orginal post and read it to him or let him read it. My therapist and I passed notes for a while. So thats always an option.

 

[Edug]

I feel like I sexually abused my family dog back when I was about 12-14 years years old (I'm 19 now).

Sexual curiosity is normal at that age. I wouldn't beat yourself up over it.