Issues With Therapist

[Deleted member 28942]

The therapeutic relationship is exactly the place to test things out, to push boundaries and express rage/anger etc. I don't think it's inappropriate behaviour at all and the OPs email may have been quite hard but it's not by any means the most extreme test of a therapist.

Thanks @Suzetig that is what I think too. It was also the first time I did something "inappropriate" or to try and push her away.

arranging a last session to talk through this process with her, your sense of what it was about for you, could be very therapeutic and help you in your work with new T.

She canceled our next session which was to happen tomorrow. I do agree it would have been good to have the last session.

There's some very sophisticated, mature processing going on in this thread and in you - which is exactly how therapy is supposed to work.

Yes, this thread and the people here helped me process a lot of stuff and to uncover a lot of core material that I did not know was there. I did not share every core memory that came up because I am not comfortable but I did find some memories about attempting to connect with my mother. These memories are very vulnerable and raw and tender at the same.

I am meeting the new therapist on May 9th. I have some time to get ready for the trip and go through some of the remaining feelings about my now ex-therapist and the triggers. I also learned a lot of things. I learned I can reach out to few trusted friends. I learned that I can reach out here and that most of the people here truly care and support each other. Now, I see that I could have vented here first about everything that I felt/thought was going wrong with my therapists and get advice from people who have more experience with therapists. I could have written the email and posted it here first to get feedback.

A good thing I did was also reached out to another person I know who is seeing a therapist that uses EMDR for trauma and learned that her therapists does have a big picture for her treatment and shares it with her and reminds her of where they are going and has goals. I did not have this with my therapist and for me, this is an important element of trust in the relationship.

New summer new therapist and I will see how things go with her. I have a feeling things will be fine.

 

[Kate Van Sant]

Thanks @Suzetig that is what I think too. It was also the first time I did so...

Being blunt but honest about how you feel about the therapy you are receiving is very healthy, especially more than avoiding the issues and just sitting there. I always have trouble just acting like there's nothing wrong, which is a big mistake. Then every once in a while I just fall apart.
This kind of communication with your therapist will reveal probably more than you intend it to, but that is just as important.

 

[Several_Days]

I don't agree with that. I want her to be honest about her policies and therapy and how she want...

She might be the kind of therapist who assesses progress qualitatively not by quantifying the number of memories or beliefs you work through.

It's good you can count them and keep track as it seems to give you a sense of progress. That's kind of impressive in itself. I seems like you're very focused and goal oriented and that you're using a state-of-the-art business approach to your therapy--no wonder you're frustrated. I bet you're very good in the corporate/educational sphere.

I've learned that trauma therapists tend to use more a qualitative approach to assessment which would be more focused on the quality of your 1:1 relationship: her sense of your ability to be present with her, express your wants, needs, disagreements, frustration, and concerns, as well as your open mindedness to her approach and why it differs so much from how you prefer to approach it.

My therapist welcomes criticism, disagreement, and seeks the very feedback you want to share with yours. Those conversations are what build trust and helps us agree on what we're doing and why. I hope you can talk with her about each point you raise--they are all important.

On the other hand your therapist may hesitate to be direct in the way you seem to want. My guess is that she could be concerned about being gentle and protective of the wounded traumatized parts of you and will not converse in a business style.

I wonder why you think she's trying to exploit you for money? The chit chat you describe seems more like she's trying to calibrate an with and emotionally attune to you, check on your emotional space, and make room for you to tell her stuff about the week that may impact your ability to safely do memory work that week. My therapist Skypes to keep continuity and check in when we can't meet in person. We've done tapping via Skype but not EMDR--that seems tricky.

That said, if you want a therapist who will do straight EMDR without relationship building as a foundation and container for the work then I bet you might do a lot better with someone else. Especially if what you're seeking right now is strictly symptom relief. It's great that straight EMDR is so effective for you (I'm jealous)!

Thanks for posting your situation and being so open in the discussion. I appreciate all of the different perspectives from everybody. You're an amazing group. I'm new here and just getting my feet wet with this post. Everyone is so helpful and knowledgable. I feel lucky to have found this place.

I'm eager to hear what you decide to do and how it turns out for you.

Best of luck!

Artyk

 

[Deleted member 28942]

My therapist welcomes criticism, disagreement, and seeks the very feedback you want to share with yours. Those conversations are what build trust and helps us agree on what we're doing and why. I hope you can talk with her about each point you raise--they are all important.

Thanks Artyk. She does not welcome feedback nor seeks it. She stopped therapy. We did not have the last session.
How do you share your feedback with your therapists? Email or in session?

I got over it and found two new therapists for the summer. I will see how those experiences go and I will keep you updated.

 

[Several_Days]

Thanks Artyk. She does not welcome feedback nor seeks it. She stopped therapy. We did not have t...

I think it's great you got a new therapist. Sounds like you learned a ton about what kind of personality and style you need in a therapist.

My therapist will text, email, or take calls if she can between sessions--no charge. She's worked with severe trauma for 30ish years and says it saves us both time and unnecessary grief if she remains accessible. She is very clear about boundaries and her policies (13 pages!). I've been with her 6 years. I went through some terrible experiences prior to her. I'm lucky I found her.

I hope you post and let us know how your new therapist works out!

Oh, forgot to answer your question. She's pretty sensitive when things aren't landing right with me. She usually knows how she messed up if she did--or knows when I want/need something else. She readily apologizes and asks good questions to help me say what I need to. If she disagrees she lays it all out and explains her rationale...asking for feedback on each point. If I still disagree she accommodates me in a way that works. So mostly we do it in session. If I'm too chicken I email or text her--and that works too.

 

[Rumors]

My post about this got deleted by accident something with the server. Anyhow, I've been having s...

Your first post....why would she continue? You clearly stated you had already interviewed other emergency therapists and that you were not having Skype sessions. You don't get it both ways...you basically called her a liar and inept and then chastise her for not meeting with you again. You question her ethics and accuse her of stealing your money. Hello!!! I wouldn't meet with you either. She owes you NOTHING after that accusation. You can question her theories and path but when you question someone's ethics and morals, you don't quite get the same response. I think you got your answer...

 

[Deleted member 28942]

Update. I met with the new EMDR therapist today. Went pretty well. She did not drag the session with unnecessary chit-chat. She let me chose what I want to work on. She remembered from my email that I want to do EMDR each session. She is fine with that. She did not try to finish the session exactly by the minute. The processing went great and faster. Overall, I got what I was looking for and I feel happy. She did not constantly question my experience. She trusted me that I know what happen. With muy ex-therapists, I had a feeling that she does not trust me. I've told her that I need her to trust me when I tell her what happened. I told her one of the biggest fear is that no-one will trust me even if I tell.

I am meeting the other therapist next week and will update you on that too. Based on the reviews of his patients he is the best in town.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

Another session with the new EMDR therapist. Guess what it took only less than half an hour to process the memory. After that she asked me if I want to work on another memory or that we can have only half a session if I want to. I wanted to have the full session and to just chat and ask her about things. We talked about stuff. She told me that she goes with the energy for EMDR and she feels that I am very committed and ready to process the memories and move on with my life. I am beyond thrilled and happy. I feel tenderness.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

OK. I met with the other therapist and wow is he good. In a 50 minute session, we covered a year worth of therapy. In the first 10 minutes, he pointed out that I have repressed rage towards my mother and I am taking out on other people. He said it is true there are therapists who keep their patients longer in therapy for money and charge for dubious and ineffective sessions and that there are therapists with unresolved issues. He agrees therapy is about me and I do not need to worry making him uncomfortable. He said yes therapy is a lot of money and it should be effective if it is not why to pay the money. He said I can be direct and blunt with him.

 

[Suzetig]

In the first 10 minutes, he pointed out that I have repressed rage towards my mother and I am taking out on other people.

I know it's what you want but I'd be worried about anyone who thought they knew me well enough to make such an assertion within 10 minutes of meeting me for the first time. Nobody's assessment skills are that quick - I'd be wary of someone who fits all their clients into such neat boxes so quickly. I get that you want quick answers and results, I just wonder where within that there's room for reflection, growth, process and how much both Ts will tell you want you want to hear or do what you want regardless of clinical responsibility. EMDR for example works to a treatment protocol for a reason, I don't find it at all reassuring that your T is jumping in to processing in a first session when they don't know you, your safety levels etc.

In short I wouldn't feel remotely safe with either therapist, but I recognise you're getting what you asked for.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

@Suzetig thanks for your concern. I was very upfront with both of them that I am stable, no self harm or any other dangerous behavior neither addiction. Believe it or not this new therapist's skills are that good. He is rated as the best therapist in Montreal for a reason. No bullshit approach directly to the problems. He is very honest and he told me a lot of uncomfortable things the first session but he delivered them in a compassionate and caring way.

I trust myself about both of them. Both of them are not in for the money at all. It's a gut feeling and I trust it.

 

[kilted]

There's a pattern where one thinks a new therapist is great, then find they're human after a while and then, as therapy runs into a slow spot, take the opposite view and move on.

Not saying this is happening here, but pay attention if you begin to criticise your new therapist somewhere down the line.

FYI I've yet to come across a therapist who's in it for the money.... maybe things are different here in the UK, but it's definitely not a lucrative profession. The therapy centre near me has 15 therapists, of these only one is paid - to manage the others. In the UK nearly all therapists will have offered their services for free at some point in their career, usually for several years. This brings it's own problems, but it does screen out the people who think it's a route to riches!