Relationship Longtime lurker, looking for some insight

[tom0422]

Long time lurker, first time poster!

I've been with my fiance for 11 years. He's got combat PTSD which reared it's head in January 2016 (although the signs had been there for quite some time). He moved out for the first time last March and we had a long, ugly road to him coming back this fall. He knows he has PTSD (accepted? not totally sure) and takes meds. He finally began therapy about two months ago thru the VA. He's isolated for short periods of time since he's been back but it's been reasonably minimal.

Well, worst nightmare happens AGAIN. He wakes up last (last) Friday and tells me he loves me but "doesn't want this", he's "been faking it", and is going to stay with a friend. I have learned enough about him and his illness to know there is no talking to him when he's like this so I let him go with little discussion about it. Didn't hear from him for 5 days but he showed up Thursday to pick up some stuff to go play army this weekend (yes, he's still in the Guard).

I am trained as a clinical social worker- I don't do that work day-to-day anymore but I (thankfully) understand mental illness and PTSD. No, it doesn't make it easier, but I understand it's grip. It helps not taking it personally. I know it'll take a really long time for him to have a handle on this and I know that he may or may not mean those things he says when this version of him takes over (my gut tells me it's the illness but I know I can't change his mind right now, so it doesnt matter).

My question, specifically, is what do you do to ease the anxiety of now knowing what happens next? He's currently at our home after a drill weekend with the National Guard but I know, deep down, he doesn't want to be there- not while he's like this. He also doesn't have the money or resources to leave long-term. I want to be supportive and tell him he can stay since it's his home but I feel like I'm going to lose my mind not knowing if i will come home to find him there or gone. How do you set boundaries in the depths of illness? I am so scared that doing that will push him further away. I remember the months leading up to him leaving last time were brutal- I wasn't comfortable in my own home and I don't want to live through that again. I do think we will pull through this but I don't want to do irreperable damage in the meantime.

Thanks for reading!

 

[LuckiLee]

Hi and welcome aboard! Since he is new to therapy his symptoms will probably get worse before they get better. My veteran and I have finally made it to a point where we can work together. He has been in therapy for 5 years and he still has extremely bad days. Therapy isn't a cure but it gives him the tools and knowledge to deal with this beast we call PTSD. It's not an easy road but we are determined to travel it together. I hope your guy sticks with it even if your relationship doesn't work out. In the meantime you can focus on yourself and the things that make you happy. Good luck on your journey!

 

[tom0422]

As expected, he left again on Friday. I have no heard from him since and he hasn't let me know where he is (although I did ask him to and he said "of course"). I spoke to his mother because someone needs to be sure he is okay and safe wherever he is. I reached out once but didn't really expect a response and didn't get one. It feels so weird to be living in our house amongst all out things (he only took a backpack of clothes) and mourn the loss of my partner because the person he is right now isn't him.

I really hate not knowing what comes next. I know I can't allow him to use our home as a storage space and he bounces from place to place but he is also so deeply in a depressive episode that making any decisions feels wrong.

Anyone have any advice on where I go from here? Do I just wait until he shows back up? Talking to him when he is like this is futile but living in the in-between is torture. I feel like I'm going to lose my damn mind as I vascilate between mourning and missing my fiance and being furious about how badly I am being treated.

 

[Buttercup]

Hi there,
I think you answered your own question here -

so deeply in a depressive episode that making any decisions feels wrong

And here -

Talking to him when he is like this is futile

Now this is where you make a decision for you. It seems like you want to keep working with him right now, so unfortunately that means you will have to wait this out and also let him know you're there for him and ready to talk and work on this when he is.

It does sound like torture! I can only offer you the tips of staying busy, busy; talk to friends and loved ones for support; hobies, books, tc, exercise.
If you feel at all that he can handle a conversation about this, jump on the opportunity when it presents itself!

 

[tom0422]

Hi there,
I think you answered your own question here -


And here -

Now this is where you make a decisi...

Thank you!

 

[Buttercup]

Thank you!

:hug:

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Just a thought. I am a sufferer and a supporter (though my husband is not officially diagnosed). What helps me the most is being in therapy myself. It doesn't just help me work through my own issues. My T gives me the insight into his mind and helps me work through my own grief and anger when husband is going through his isolation periods. You may want to look into that. Even though you have a lot of knowledge on this topic, working with a therapist may help you process the emotions in a healthy way to allow you to make the best decisions for your own self.

I'm sorry you are going through this. You can certainly reach out to all of us here on the forum. I am somewhat new here myself and I really like it here. There is a lot to read and people have many great ideas.

 

[dulcia]

You sound super aware of when he needs his space (as well as able to give it) and I envy that. Sounds like you need a release though, or it's all going to boil over. Counseling for yourself?

 

[tom0422]

You sound super aware of when he needs his space (as well as able to give it) and I envy that. Sound...

I am aware, intellectually, but it still hurts every time- wonder if that will ever go away. I have been looking into therapy for some time but am having a REALLY hard time finding anyone who isn't either private pay (in NYC that's $200/hr, at least) or who is accepting new patients. I've been really disappointed with the barriers to accessing help. I'm soldiering on but it's disappointing.

 

[tom0422]

An update: he is moving out so I guess we are breaking up again (although he doesn't know where and I don't know when so still a lot of pain and discomfort in my house). Not only does he have PTSD, he's severely depressed (which I think is actually the leading cause of our problems) and he basically doesn't feel anything for me anymore. This is pretty typical for people with depression (anhedonia) and when I talk to him now he is once again that stranger I recognize from that last time he left. It's excrutiating but I know enough this time that letting him go is best for both of us. There is nothing I can say or do to bring back the good guy, he'll have to do that on his own.

I will probably always hope he will come back- it's hard not to believe deep down that he will since he did last time, but I need to accept that this could be the end. Putting to bed my hopes and dreams after all this time is inconceivable and I expect there is a lot of crying and hopelessness still ahead, but I know what is happening- at least for now. This all feels so unfair.

 

[Buttercup]

:hug:

 

[dulcia]

Sorry to hear about the update, @tom0422. I also like to think of myself as intellectually aware and it still hurts every time...nearly three years later.

If you're still interested or the two of you continue to have contact, look into military-focused groups. There may be more veteran and partner support around you than you realize, even if the two of you aren't engaged or married. Stuff like relationship workshops, counseling, etc.