My bff is best friends with the person who assaulted me

[scout86]

LOL
Yeah, I guess I didn't pay enough attention to the title.

 

[gealach]

This is a thread that threatens to get overheated, especially since this is a ptsd forum with many csa/sa survivors and supporters. I'd like to suggest that we stay polite and considerate, and keep in mind that there is a young OP with questions about an event with fallout that is disturbing to her.

I won't get into the debate on assault or not. What I will say is that, where I am living, this legally would not be considered a sexual assault.

OP you say you feel taken advantage of, and that makes sense. The young man in the scenario dumped you after you wouldn't perform a sex act, and is now being 'mean' and following you 'around town with his friends'. It sounds like you each wanted something different from the relationship, in that you wanted one, while he wanted quick easy sex. Nothing really wrong with either, just that you two weren't on the same page and weren't communicating.

As for your emotions about the sex act, and the events after, your friend has a good suggestion (if for the wrong reason)... see a therapist. This will allow you to discuss the event and your feelings with someone who is unbiased, and who's goal is to help you process and become more resilient.

Your friend is allowed to have her opinion, based on her understanding of the event. Likewise, you are allowed your opinion and your boundaries. Only you can decide if her continued relationship with this young man is a deal breaker for you. It might be worthwhile to explore this with the therapist, to be clear on your true feelings and motivations.

Finally, don't be afraid to set boundaries in your sexual relationships. It's vital that you be able to communicate what you want, what you don't want, and what you aren't sure about. If you aren't mature enough to communicate with a potential partner, then you really aren't mature enough to be in the relationship. *That's not a dig* everyone matures differently, and shouldn't be doing things they're not ready for.

Find your voice, and let it roar!!!!!!

 

[Casey_03]

I'm not going to comment on the assault debate going on here, but I will say about the female friend -- girls are mean at this age. Really, really mean. And they can be willing to sacrifice friendships and hurt the feelings of their friends to get validation from other people they see as "cool" ... so that might be what's going on here. Also, I don't know how old you are, but I am guessing you're a teenager and so is your friend. People at that age may just not know how to deal with assault claims, and so it's probably easier for her to just dismiss the whole thing.

 

[barefoot]

Based on what the OP has stated, are you saying @barefoot that this male should be charged for sexual assault?

Is this man a sexual predator? A rapist? If you answer yes to that, back it up based on OP statements and not your own interpretations

I'm not saying either of those things. I clearly stated:

I don't really want to get into trying to decipher whether this was a sexual assault or not - that isn't for me to decide, it's not what the OP was asking and, to a point, I think whether it was legally assault or not is irrelevant.

re sexual assault in general:

Again, I am not commenting on whether the OP was assaulted or not

I just find the assumptions you seem to be making about what does and doesn't constitute sexual assault/abuse Anthony rather jarring.

Perhaps I have confused matters and been unhelpful by posting about
sexual assault in general and not the OP content specifically. But these threads hang around forever and get revisited again and again over time so I think it's ok that I flagged a few bits that sat uncomfortably with me.

I found it surprising to find, what I read as pretty sweeping statements about what constitutes sexual assault, here. Regardless of the content of the OP (which, as I said, I was not specifically referring to in terms of whether or not OP was assaulted) I read your response to mean that you were saying that any sexual assault / abuse had to involve penetrative sex (and that ergo a virgin cannot ever have been sexually assaulted/abused) and that the person being assaulted "should have" said stop, said no etc. I wanted to check in with you on those points to seek clarification around whether that was your meaning and I acknowledged in my earlier post that I may have misinterpreted what you had written.

The OP is 17 and is distressed by an experience and by the fallout from it so I think it is worth OP talking this through with someone. Not necessarily to ascertain whether it was assault or not but to talk through how she feels about it all (the experience, the guy, her friend)

And I think this has been a reminder for me for why I don't generally post on threads like this and it confirms why I will continue to refrain from advising people re whether or not I think they have been assaulted. It seems to stir up a lot of heat and I don't think that is helpful for anyone.

 

[anthony]

@barefoot, opinions are like arseholes, everyone has one. Its perfectly fine to input onto such threads.

The OP provided content, that is the content we can comment upon. The OP is claiming assault -- for what is clearly not assault based on the provided context. They've been honest -- opinions by all here are being honest about individual thoughts and views.

Respect each and don't stress about what each person is saying, respond to the OP.

 

[barefoot]

@anthony
Sure. I absolutely do respect all opinions - on this thread and in others - and I am not in any kind of stress about this at all. I was seeking clarification from you on a few points to check my understanding of your meaning and you then gave that clarification in your follow up reply. That's all. I wasn't looking to get into a great debate about anything, I was just seeking to understand.
So, I'm good with all this.

 

[The Albatross]

This is a classic example about why young women get into so many predicaments. Rather than expressing or being willing to attempt to express assertively their preference/choice/decision... they at times shift over toward what they think/feel the other sexual partner will think/feel about them, fail to act in accordance with their wants/needs and varying degrees of trouble ensues. Some sober, some drug or alcohol fueled... but it has become an increasingly obvious area where a lot of people are really confused.

Problematic hardwiring/behavior to care for needs of others without the tools or ability to assert or voice preferences and choices for themselves. In many cases, it has not been modeled for us (sure wasn't for me and various friends and peers I've had) or learned. The nurture inclination often times is exaggerated in girls and it can cause all manner of confusion and poor decision making.

To the OP: Learn fast that it's okay to communicate a preference... for anything. Especially in sexual matters. The sooner you learn about how to become confident and assertive and firm in your communications with other people (versus ignoring your own preferences as in this case, or sending mixed messages - like faking an orgasm which signaled to the guy that he was giving you pleasure)... the better.

P.S. I still think we need a separate forum somewhere if we're going to continue to field all these queries, many of which don't even mention PTSD if the site is going to continue to attempt to answer this stuff. Maybe an article to link to them at least would be good.

 

[anthony]

P.S. I still think we need a separate forum somewhere if we're going to continue to field all these queries, many of which don't even mention PTSD if the site is going to continue to attempt to answer this stuff.

Why? Trauma leads to PTSD, thus we handle trauma + PTSD. The OP stated they've been assaulted. Answers have stated they haven't. What's the problem?

 

[The Albatross]

Why: Only a small percentage of people with trauma or assault even GET PTSD, that's why. This is a peer aid site for PTSD and we are just a bunch of individuals online who have or are dealing with PTSD. That, AND it's not mentioned (having PTSD) or is very seldom mentioned in these types of threads. That plus I personally think it's a bad idea to base an opinion often times on one post, particularly from a young person.

In medical, there is a standard of "do no harm"... there is no such standard on an anonymous forum. The fact I that: replies received to queries of this nature are loaded with potential to effect the quality and mental/emotional well being of these young people (though predominantly women) particularly since the age for participation here was dropped to 13.

 

[Mona]

Hello. I'm 17-y/o and female. Three months ago I was seeing someone I liked. One night, we were just kissing i...

Be patient. He will show his true colors and then your friend will need you.

 

[Heather]

There was a separate forum years ago to deal with sexual trauma/rape now its archived.

I posted a thread like this many years ago: "could I be partly to blame?"

It went back and fourth over whether it was assault or not.

What I identify with the op is her feelings of panic, not knowing what to do or say. I was a few years older than her and a virgin with my experience as well.

When that was disclosed then there was more understanding to why I felt the way I did.

I have no idea what my point is except that I feel for that 17 y/o and what she experienced and the feelings it left her with.

 

[talon]

Hello. I'm 17-y/o and female. Three months ago I was seeing someone I liked. One night, we were just kissing i...

unwanted non consensual sex is rape and being followed is harassment both which you are protected from by law. As for friends what kind of friend doesn't appear to have empathy for your situation i do and i don't even know you