The darkness, the black abbess, the dissolute lands in which I walk with thousands on nameless faces. All these faces concerned about worldy possessions and the bubble in which they are encased. Buying, spending because this is what they are told to do to achieve the premium life style. The pretty family, the white picketed fence, their worlds I watch in ore as my own world is falls apart.
The business men and women go about their day, all dressed in suits and looking sharp for the occasion. Then I think of these faces. Up early, working out, doing palates or yoga and all this before the blissful warmth of the of the rising sun
But for me, just getting out of bed is my challange. If it weren’t for the fact the body needs to relieve itself of its nightly fluids, I would simply sleep. With the safe embrace of silk that caresses my skin. I would simply curl up and watch the days go by and hope that death itself would slide its cold fingers under my body to carry me away.
And yet each day I wake with an aching heart and a longing to be relieved of this pain. My mind is constantly thinking of ways to end it all but I neither have the courage nor motivation to do so, so I merely sit here a waste away.
I use to be fit, agile and nimble. I would run, run all day if I could and o how I miss those days. I would run along the beach and feel its salty kiss against my lips. I would feel its cold hands press against my face and I would close my eyes and inhale deeply. I would smile and think how blessed am I.
But it has been so long since I smiled, so long in fact that I have forgotten how it feels. How a simple smile can brighten the day and make life seam just that little bit easier to cope with. How does a person get to such a state that I am in now? There are many factors at play but it is ultimately the mind and how it copes with each devastating event.
The loss of loved ones, the pressure to conform to the world, the stressful job but most of all it is love itself. You see there are those that love me and care for me deeply but I do not love myself. And so there is a constant battle going on within, how can all these people love me yet I cannot. It is not that I haven’t tried to seek help or look for answers.
But it only leads me deeper down the rabbit hole and the climb out seems impossible. And so in much a way the self loathing becomes worse. The eating becomes less, the sleeping becomes longer and self harming becomes more of an escape from the world my mind has created.
A friend of mine told me to stop looking at my feet when I walk, as I am only concentrating at one step at a time. Rather look straight ahead to where the future is and picture me there, happy and in love.
The business men and women go about their day, all dressed in suits and looking sharp for the occasion. Then I think of these faces. Up early, working out, doing palates or yoga and all this before the blissful warmth of the of the rising sun
But for me, just getting out of bed is my challange. If it weren’t for the fact the body needs to relieve itself of its nightly fluids, I would simply sleep. With the safe embrace of silk that caresses my skin. I would simply curl up and watch the days go by and hope that death itself would slide its cold fingers under my body to carry me away.
And yet each day I wake with an aching heart and a longing to be relieved of this pain. My mind is constantly thinking of ways to end it all but I neither have the courage nor motivation to do so, so I merely sit here a waste away.
I use to be fit, agile and nimble. I would run, run all day if I could and o how I miss those days. I would run along the beach and feel its salty kiss against my lips. I would feel its cold hands press against my face and I would close my eyes and inhale deeply. I would smile and think how blessed am I.
But it has been so long since I smiled, so long in fact that I have forgotten how it feels. How a simple smile can brighten the day and make life seam just that little bit easier to cope with. How does a person get to such a state that I am in now? There are many factors at play but it is ultimately the mind and how it copes with each devastating event.
The loss of loved ones, the pressure to conform to the world, the stressful job but most of all it is love itself. You see there are those that love me and care for me deeply but I do not love myself. And so there is a constant battle going on within, how can all these people love me yet I cannot. It is not that I haven’t tried to seek help or look for answers.
But it only leads me deeper down the rabbit hole and the climb out seems impossible. And so in much a way the self loathing becomes worse. The eating becomes less, the sleeping becomes longer and self harming becomes more of an escape from the world my mind has created.
A friend of mine told me to stop looking at my feet when I walk, as I am only concentrating at one step at a time. Rather look straight ahead to where the future is and picture me there, happy and in love.
