I think i lost my last reason to live

[geuibva]

I feel kind of embarrassed and ashamed about this, but it was something I hung on to as if my life depended on it.. or well, it sort of felt like it did.

I know that I should be trying to live for myself and myself alone, but I can't. I can't find the strength to live for myself and I need to have another reason that I consider a good reason. I don't care enough for myself, but if my wellbeing will make someone else happy or feel better, then I will.

I tried living for multiple reasons from simple to big. I tried fighting to live so that I can get a bigger breed dog, decorate my room differently, treating my dog to an expensive treat once in a while or making homemade dog treats, eating a popsicle on a moderately hot day or even on a cold snowy night, to see my art improve, a warm drink on a cold day, etc.

But then I sinked farther into my depression and I can't care for myself. I find it difficult to provide personal hygiene unless my OCD kicks in, which I find to be a paradox sometimes. I have a huge loss in appetite where it's very minimal and only when I feel I absolutely need to. I go to sleep crying and feeling terrible and eventually fall asleep wanting to die, then I wake up and feel sad and cry.

Anyways. My last resort to trying to fight to live was my best friend who I care for so much. She told me, I guess out of desperation, to live for her and for my dog, not for me, but for her. A few months passed and I finally grasped that and I followed through.

One week in particular I was feeling especially depressed and became severely suicidal to the point that I settled on a complex plan and started to act upon it. The plan was only put together because I had a friend I cared about and I wanted her to know it wasn't her fault and that I was deeply sorry.. I hate that it took me a few days, but eventually I realized and grasped on to the fact that if I died I wouldn't be there for her to support her and watch her grow and mature. She was the reason I stopped myself from jumping off a bridge.

Well a few months pass again and especially the last couple months I finally came to the conclusion that I will really try to get better. I will reach out, be more demanding, look for other options, try to get medication, try to help myself so I can help my friend. I knew that what I was doing was a flaw, but I guess, again, it took me a while to realize that and I'm not sure if I realized that too soon or too late.

I really messed up the last week. I couldn't care about anything and my mood dipped or got worse within a week. I turned to edibles to try and feel something to help me escape, but it stressed out my friend. I felt bad that I did and I worked on stopping it as soon as I could. This morning I concluded I will stop and try again to listen to her.

I regret opening up to her about this. I regret opening up that she was the last and only reason I bothered fighting. I regret I didn't realize this sooner. I regret putting it all on her when I shouldn't have. I guess I thought I could count on it being a stable place, but at the same time I was fighting so hard to not stress her. I feel that I deserve this. To feel like I've been shut down. I don't hold this against her as I know it was my wrong doing to consider her a reason to live, but I feel I realized that at a time I wasn't ready.

She proceeded to ask if I, deep down, wanted to change and care for myself. Not for her or anyone, but for myself and I couldn't come up with an answer. I told her I didn't know because I can't focus on bettering myself right now. I needed something else to strive for and for a long time it was to help her however way I can. I felt I was finally doing something right when I decided to try and get better for her. I faced a long term fear I had telling myself to bite my tongue and do it for her. I guess I wasn't and this is what I deserve.

When I told her I wasn't sure she told me that she's not going to bother trying if I don't care to change. I don't blame her, you can only help someone so much if they don't want to get better. I know I'm hard headed, stubborn, stupid, lazy, hypocritical, crude, cold, inconsiderate, and impulsive. I get annoyed with myself I'm surprised she stuck around. I'm being selfish for even feeling pity for myself and complaining, and maybe I shouldn't but I don't know because I really feel like I just lost my last reason to live.

If I take her out of it all and it's just me, then what's the point? I don't care if I die or not. If I die then I won't be here anymore. I don't want my friend to be sad, but if trying to live for her is wrong and I take her out of the equation.. then that leaves no one to care. So why should I bother sticking around?

 

[Nerapu]

I don't have advice, but I know how you feel and it's unbelievably hard. I'm finding the only things that help are - phoning helplines like rape crisis, listening to music and watching holiday vlogs on YouTube. That's it for now, because I lost my best friend in the world, and I built my life around her.

 

[Igev]

It's heartbreaking for me to read your post.

When we try and live for ourselves it's empty and there is no purpose. Nothing that this world holds can fill that void. Status, power, money, sex, drugs, material items, people, animals etc... is meaningless and can all be gone in an instant.

I believe in God and I believe that God has a purpose for your life. God can and will fill your life with a greater purpose if you want Him to. God loves you.

 

[Lavav]

This is such a complicated topic. I've felt like this. I'm not suicidal anymore thankfully but I still can't live for myself. You need to find a purpose and live for that. What about taking your Dog breeding to another step and breed and train therapy, police or disaster dogs? When you see you've been able to help people I find it's easier to help yourself.

 

[Cewu]

You've certainly placed a very heavy burden on your friend. I imagine she feels somewhat trapped by being responsible for your continued existence.

How do you imagine she would feel if you died at this point? Would she feel guilty?

How could you avoid inflicting that pain?

 

[geuibva]

You've certainly placed a very heavy burden on your friend. I imagine she feels somewhat trapped by being responsible for...

I realize the burden is heavy that is what I've been trying to avoid for so long, but she insisted I rely on her and use her as a resource. She didn't want me to keep it to myself, she wanted me to tell her any time I felt sad so that it wouldn't be a surprise to her if my mood appears to have drastically dropped. She encouraged me to get so close and I knew form the very beginning that I shouldn't have. Finally after a year or so of her fighting me I slowly started to trust her and become more intimate, as did she. I saw myself get closer and along the way I'd curse myself, tell myself not to, because I knew that I wouldn't be able to stop. I had a fear that I wouldn't be able to control myself and I'd keep leaning on her until I broke her. I feel like that's what I did and I couldn't stop myself. I can see myself scolding myself, saying I should have listened to myself and not her or anyone that told me to rely on people. I know I can't easily regulate once I really get close to that person(takes a very specific relationship and it wasn't immediate. it's like a click). She was the second person I felt this close to, but the first I've fully opened up to her about how I really am. The first died from a drunk/driving accident.

 

[Efac]

OK so as above, how do you imagine she would feel if you died at this point? How can you avoid inflicting that pain?

 

[geuibva]

OK so as above, how do you imagine she would feel if you died at this point? How can you avoid inflicting that pain?[/QUO...

I know the right answer is to say that I don't die somehow. I don't know. I don't want to hurt her, I really don't, but sometimes I get too sad to be considerate of others and I can't process the possible damage that I'll do.

 

[Asuz]

I'm going to be a little blunt because I believe you need real, and real-time, help.

She told me, I guess out of desperation, to live for her and for my dog, not for me, but for her. A few months passed and I finally grasped that and I followed through.

This was a terrible thing for her to have told you. Whether she knew it or not - doesn't matter. It was a huge error in judgement. You also need to consider that she may have done this for her own gratification, not for your safety.

try to help myself so I can help my friend

This is the result of being told to live for someone else. It is in no way healthy or sustainable.

I regret opening up that she was the last and only reason I bothered fighting.

why? Why regret this, when she was the one who told you to do it in the first place? I don't expect you to be able to see it - but please try and hear an objective outsider saying, these feelings are the result of an unhealthy enmeshment.

when I told her I wasn't sure she told me that she's not going to bother trying if I don't care to change

And this is why she was wrong to tell you to live for her in the first place. She told you to cut yourself out of the equation. Now, she's telling you to put yourself back into it. That's manipulative at worst, and cruel at best.

A true friend would not have inserted themselves between you and real help.

Again: I can't say whether she's done all this for her own gratification, or if it's just being young (I'm assuming you are both under 25) - but the damage it has done to you is very real.

I take her out of it all and it's just me, then what's the point? I don't care if I die or not. If I die then I won't be here anymore. I don't want my friend to be sad, but if trying to live for her is wrong and I take her out of the equation.. then that leaves no one to care. So why should I bother sticking around?

This is why I'm going to suggest you seek immersive care, now. Inpatient if it's an option. If not, find a day program. You have no perspective on this. Why should you bother sticking around? Because right now, you are not capable of deciding what to do with your life.

It is very important to not lose track of this:

. I know I can't easily regulate once I really get close to that person(takes a very specific relationship and it wasn't immediate. it's like a click). She was the second person I felt this close to, but the first I've fully opened up to her about how I really am. The first died from a drunk/driving accident.

There are so many layers to this - but a really big one is, you can't regulate once you've become attached.

You know this about yourself. That alone should be enough to tell you that you are not able to make decisions about whether life is worth living. You are incapacitated.

I cannot recommend inpatient treatment strongly enough.

Your friend somehow unbalanced. When it comes right down to it, no-one can sustain being the sole supporter of a suicidal person. That she took that on tells me that she did not consider your well-being. And that she's continued to hold that position makes me wonder whether this is pathological for her as well as it is for you.

Please: don't take any of this as cruelty. I am truly concerned for your well-being.

 

[geuibva]

I'm going to be a little blunt because I believe you need real, and real-time, help.
This was a terrible thing for her t...

I do not take this as cruel. In fact the complete opposite. You don't know how much your comment made my night. It actually greatly improved my mood and I felt a wave of relief. I really appreciate these kind of answers where they're blunt or sort of like "reality slaps" as I feel I cannot trust my own judgement. I know mental health, especially depression, can distort my thinking and it makes me question if what I perceive is correct or true. I understand I can misunderstand things, and so being able to be given a simple reply given by an outside view is really comforting and relieving to me. It's like, "Oh perfect. No bullshit, just facts, truth, or innocent observations." I will take the time to deconstruct and given a reply to what you've said, but I just wanted to let you know that I greatly appreciated this so thank you.

 

[geuibva]

This is such a complicated topic. I've felt like this. I'm not suicidal anymore thankfully but I still can't live for my...

Sorry I mistyped I think. I meant a dog breed that is medium/large or large such as an Irish Wolfhound or Burmese. I do train those type of dogs. I train service dogs for other people, though at the moment it's being brought up by my doctors about me looking into a service dog for myself, I've trained a couple police dogs, one for schutzhund, and I'd love to try and train a search and rescue dog.

Dog training used to be a big thing to me. Something I absolutely loved all my life, but I was on these pills for a while that took away my passion. I finally got off them as I couldn't stand the apathy and I realized I was comfortable with the idea of death and it wasn't thought of out of sadness. I could think logically and realistically at the time so I stopped them in hopes my passion for dog training and dogs would come back, and to maybe keep me alive a bit longer. But I'm worried being on the pills, feeling literal emptiness, urged my depression on even if I didn't feel it at the time.

 

[Afiz]

I found that being on some of the medications they gave me made me a zombie, so I refused all except Zoloft. I felt like a person again. I was able to slowly figure out what I liked to do again, and do it. I hope you can find your passion for dog training again, that is a wonderful talent!