Childhood Not sure what to do with these

[Klo]

Not too long ago I was rummaging around in my mother's basement for a movie to watch (she and her husband have a large but messy collection and I was allowed to borrow something to watch) and found some old home/family videos from when I was very little in a box. They were originally on VHS but had been converted to DVD and stored down there. I popped them into a portable DVD player I have and watched them.

The DVDs consist of a series of brief clips, anywhere from 30 seconds to a few minutes each, and nearly all of them are kind of disturbing.

There is only one clip in which it was just my mother and myself, with her filming. I'm about 6 months old in the clip, and it consists of her deliberately trying to make me cry and scream because she finds it amusing. She chants into the camera, "Baby's gonna scream, baby's gonna scream," in an amused voice while trying to get me to grab onto a spoon and then yank it away from me. However in the clip, I just have a dull and dead look in my eyes and won't respond to her. I imagine that she must have been doing this for a while to the point where I wouldn't respond anymore, and so by the time she decided to film it, she couldn't get me to cry or scream anymore. After a couple minutes, she seems to grow bored and shuts the camera off.

There are various clips of my parents putting me on the floor with no toys or anything, and then waiting for me to crawl around and try to touch something, such as furniture or a lamp cord. At which point they begin to yell and make threats. Sometimes my mother accuses me (as an infant) of being a brat who is trying to make her angry. Then they cut the camera off, and the next clip that comes on shows me red-faced and in tears, while in amused tones they announce to the camera that I had been punished for being bad.

There is even a clip where my father is filming me (around age 3 or 4) secretly through the doorway while I am naked and touching myself, no words spoken, just a few minutes of this and the camera fades to black.

There is a clip where my parents have ordered me to sing for my younger brother, I am 4 years old. In the clip I am trying to sing him a song, but my mother keeps interrupting me and making cutting remarks about how I am singing incorrectly. Then she begins threatening to send me to bedtime if I can't get the song right. In retrospect this is kind of sickening to watch, since she knew that my father was being perversely abusive with me at night, and so "bedtime" was a very real threat. In the end I am too anxious in the video to get the words right and am sentenced to bedtime.

Part of me has been kind of shocked and a little horrified that this material has been 'preserved' on DVD down in the basement for years. Who has seen these clips? Why did my mother keep these? How in the world did nobody who has seen these clips ever think that maybe this was disturbing or inappropriate? How in the world did my parents think it was in any way normal to film these things?

Part of me has been feeling almost like I have something very terrible that I should get rid of somehow. It's a collection of clips of child abuse blatant or implied, essentially, mixed in with occasional clips of Christmas gatherings and whatnot.

Part of me feels like I have found some extremely rare and precious source of objective validation of my experiences, amidst all of the gaslighting throughout my whole life, and has stashed the DVDs in a hidden place, as though someone might try to destroy them in an effort to shatter what is left of my grip on reality once and for all.

 

[Gadgie]

Wow! that is scarey, makes me wonder why did they transfer them onto DVD? Was it so that they can view them again? No wonder you are worried about that, I take it you haven't talked it over with them?

Would it make you feel better if you could destroy them?

I never had anything like that in my childhood, I just had to cope with the violence and beatings, which both my sister and I thought was normal, as we never knew any better.

 

[Klo]

Wow! that is scarey, makes me wonder why did they transfer them onto DVD? Was it so that they can view them again? No wonder you are worried about that, I take it you haven't talked it over with them?

Would it make you feel better if you could destroy them?

I never had anything like that in my childhood, I just had to cope with the violence and beatings, which both my sister and I thought was normal, as we never knew any better.

I don't know why they would have saved these clips on DVD and stored them all this time. It feels like the twilight zone.

I really can't bring myself to destroy them. My mother has been on a major gaslighting campaign pretty much my whole life, so something like these DVDs is a rare opportunity for grounding, in a way.

To this day my mother will still occasionally say things to me such as, "Someday you'll realize that I was a good mother, but you were just crazy as a kid," and so on, basically testing me to make sure that I still go with the narrative that everything was my fault, either that she never did anything bad, or that if she did, then I made her do it because I was a bad/crazy child.

But actually watching her act in a deranged and sadistic way towards an infant (me) on video, it feels detached enough that my brain doesn't just override it, basically, due to gaslighting and other types of conditioning. I feel so disconnected from myself and my body most of the time as it is. So when I watched these videos, it was like watching my mother treat some infant I never knew in this manner. There is no rationalizing or justifying or denial that comes from my brain, because the perception is so detached.

Yet it also gives me this terrible cognitive dissonance sort of feeling, hard to describe it but the definition of that term seems the most fitting.

There is no way in hell that I am putting the DVDs back in the box downstairs. I don't know if anyone ever views these DVDs. Are they forgotten? Or will someone eventually realize that I found and took them?

I really have no idea what to do with them. Not really expecting anyone to have an answer for me, I guess I'm just venting that state of mind. I just don't know what to do about them. If anything. It feels strangely like drowning or something.

My mother and her husband are currently on a vacation out of the country, they are gone for two weeks. I found the DVDs a couple months ago, roughly. So as soon as they left for their vacation and I was by myself, it was like my brain 'relaxed' a bit and these floodgates opened up a bit. The DVDs are hidden inside a wall in the house, in a secret place, and I find myself pacing by it all the time, checking to make sure the DVDs are still there, etc.

 

[Muted]

That is so utterly cruel. I don't what the statue of limitations are, but with that kind of evidence, if I were you, I would go straight to the police. That is so cruel of them to treat an innocent child like that. That is infuriorating to me!!!!!

I hope you have someone to help you, that is heartbreaking that you went through that.

 

[Klo]

That is so utterly cruel. I don't what the statue of limitations are, but with that kind of evidence, i...

I don't think there is anything in the clips that would constitute any sort of retroactive legal action. They are mean and sadistic in their nature, and the one clip is kind of bordering on CP but then he actually was abusive like that, but that part I can't prove. I have internal scar tissue, but that doesn't prove where it came from, just that something happened at some point.

It's really the emotional/psychological gravity of the clips to me, that is getting to me. I mean just from having spent a lifetime plagued either subconsciously or consciously with trying to figure out why mother hates me. With these clips, it's like there just is no why. She hated me even from the day I was born. She always hated me. There was no why.

 

[Muted]

It feels strangely like drowning or something.

I'm sure you are completely numb from the shock. It's very much a powerful protective coping mechanism that enables you to function right now.

The DVDs are hidden inside a wall in the house, in a secret place, and I find myself pacing by it all the time, checking to make sure the DVDs are still there, etc.

Can you get those somewhere safe? If you're not ready to go to the cops I would think you could copy them and put them in a fireproof safe deposit box at the bank or something.

Do you have a support system or anyone you fully trust that you can call? A therapist or an attorney?

 

[Kintsugi]

I think you are both lucky and extremely misfortunate to have stumbled on evidence of your early lived experience. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you feel validated, though I know you must also feel sickened.

 

[Abigail7]

Id show them to my therapist in order to get additional validation and to get more support. Yes, copy them for later. It's one thing to be abusive, it's another to be so sadistic as to video the abuse to watch it later. Is there a reason why you are still in contact with your mother? The relationship doesn't seem healthy to me, nor will it ever be unless she is able to change and make amends.

 

[Muted]

There was no why.

You're right, there isn't, because perpetrators like that don't have a conscience. It's about their own sickness. You were an innocent child that deserved protection and nurturing care. You deserved to be safe. There isn't anything you could have ever done or been to change what they did to you.

They are mean and sadistic in their nature, and the one clip is kind of bordering on CP but then he actually was abusive like that, but that part I can't prove. I have internal scar tissue, but that doesn't prove where it came from, just that something happened at some point.

You might be surprised what a good detective could do or a good attorney. But, the first priority is for you to get support and help, because it's impossible to get any kind of perspective and make important decisions when your still numb with shock. Please talk to someone you trust. Do you feel safe enough to do that?

 

[Klo]

I'm sure you are completely numb from the shock. It's very much a powerful protective coping mechanism...

I don't really have anyone in my life who I can talk with about something like this. Although I am grateful that this forum community exists, so that at least I can vent it out a bit here. Kind of helps me not lose my mind while alone in this house.

My younger brother and I are hanging out this weekend, doing some nerdy stuff with some friends of his. Tabletop RPG stuff. I love my brother and also generally like him as a person, as well, but he was also the golden child in the family. He seems to have a very hard time fully acknowledging the reality of how differently we were/are treated. He sometimes says things like, "<Father's name> was more of a danger to himself than anyone else," when in reality our father was definitely more dangerous to his 4 year old daughter than to himself. Karma has bit him in the butt in some ways over the past decade or so, but when my brother says things like that to me, the way my brain perceives it is basically like, "You being raped and otherwise abused as a child wasn't all that bad. Our father had it way worse, since he was an alcoholic." I don't even know how to properly respond to such statements. So I don't think trying to discuss something like this with him would go well. I can love him from an emotional distance, but we can't really be close.

 

[Muted]

I don't know how long ago this happened, but if our legal system just willingly brushes evidence like this aside...then something needs to change, because this isn't a justice system that stands for anything other than their own little games and THAT PISSES me off. Why don't some of those high and mighty "judges" come down and live in the REAL world for once? Maybe try and take a stand for what's right?

Wow, I'm sorry. I have some super strong beliefs and I wish those in power would stand up for what's right.

So I don't think trying to discuss something like this with him would go well.

I wouldn't risk telling him even if you have the tiniest bit of doubt. If he were to tell your mom and stepdad or anyone, Its not predictable how they'd react. It's not worth your safety.

If you don't feel comfortable going to the police or feel like they'll have your back, please call and meet with a minimum of two different attorneys and/or counselors to help you. They will by law protect your best interests.

 

[Klo]

I don't know how long ago this happened, but if our legal system just willingly brushes evidence like t...

I think I understand how you feel in some ways. When my emotions are on full throttle I actually tend to go on some pretty passionate rants, have a few in my post history even on this site. But I can also understand why it is sometimes difficult to press charges even when there are obvious warning signs that something bad is going on. When parents are found guilty of child abuse, often the children are removed from the home by social services and placed in foster care, where even more abuse can happen, and also due process with strong evidence before a guilty verdict is necessary to prevent witch hunt type issues. I know there are bad apples in the justice system, definitely, but I can also feel for the good apples who often have to struggle between both sides of the coin in upholding justice. I could never handle that type of career, myself, it would drive me completely mad in no time.

I find it harder not to just view the world or humanity as a whole in certain ways during days like this, or weeks or years like this, to be honest. It's just twilight zone feeling. I feel so much pressure in my chest and body, it's like my cells are on fire, yet I also feel kind of drunk and slow. It's like numb but not really numb. Like a bizarre and bad dream.

I know that these videos were our official "home videos" growing up. I know that relatives saw these videos. I know that my brother has seen these videos. I guess I just blocked them out to some greater degree. I can't really remember. I just remember that these videos have existed, but somehow I forgot, or something.

It's just. How can so many people have turned a blind eye and then participated in the gaslighting and everything. How can so many people be so messed up altogether at once constantly for so many years. Are they all nuts? But they live such high functioning lives. Careers, marriages, vacations, etc. They seem normal. So is that normal? Is that was normal is? Is this just a part of normal. Then how do I not wind up thinking it would be best if humanity just nuked itself out of existence. That's now what I really want.

There is a clip where I am about 5 and am being told to open and read a birthday card from my grandparents. My parents are filming it so they can send the video to the grandparents. In the clip it seems that I actually can't read, so when I am ordered to read the card, I just become hysterical, like panicked and sobbing, and my parents start laughing. Like what even is this.