Ptsd and marriage

[Quarantine Queen]

So I did the work and for the first time in my life I am feeling mostly healthy but now I am taking a big look at my marriage. Needless to say I have a lot of concerns. We have been married since 2010 and both of us have had our share of struggles since that time. I went through intensive therapy with an amazing therapist and actually feel like a stronger person because of every thing I have been through. My husband, who I suspect might have some minor PTSD, still drinks and smokes pot everyday. Since this is a marriage it is hard to point the finger since it takes two to fail right?
During my whole sink into serious PTSD when I first joined the forum (2011) he was never there for me. Yes financially he was there but as far as me not leaving the house and being seriously depressed I felt like he actually made it all worse by yelling at me a lot. He screamed at me in a car the whole ride home from restaurant during a time when I disassociated and called me a "f-ing child". I have told him many times that screaming at me in a car is a trigger but he never listens to that. Anyway that was then.
Since then I have detached from him quite a bit out of necessity. I furthered my education (which he didn't want me to do) have a great new job and I actually have a pretty awesome friend group now. Now when he yells at me I am rarely triggered but at times I still am so I just leave the room. If he yells at me in a car it is hard but I am able to work through it in my head and feel safe. I used to try to make a connection and get needs met in my marriage but I stopped trying the past few years.
We recently started couples at my request and effort and she called him out on the verbal abuse. I was honestly shocked because I hadn't thought of it as abuse at all. This makes me quite sad that I have been mistreated for so long. He does love me in his own way but I realized I am scared to talk to him about any of my feelings. My goal with going to couples was to open up communication so I could feel safe telling him how I feel even if it is hard to hear. I fear now that we are doomed and divorce is eminent which brings with it a new set of fears. During my parents divorce my fathers violence increased and I am afraid of that behavior from my husband even though he has never hit me. I hope to get to a point with him where if I decided to leave we can talk through it.
Anyone else out there done the work and changed their life only to have to divorce a spouse on the other side? My therapist says it is common for people to heal themselves and have to face a spouse who isn't willing to do the work and change themselves.

 

[Deadman]

He does love me in his own way

What way is that?

Let me tell you a secret about most men; we are what we do not what we say. His actions, the yelling and verbal abuse, are the message.

 

[Quarantine Queen]

What way is that?

-He still tells me I am beautiful most days.
-He still wants to be with me and tell me he loves me.
-He supported us financially while I was in grad school.

I know I painted a certain picture above but he is not a bad person.

 

[Deadman]

OK. Take out what he says. That leaves 'He supported us financially'.

Like I said above, we are what we do, not what we say. Players learn what to say to women and how to say it. If you want to know the core or a man look at what he does, not what he says.

 

[Olga]

I have been with my husband for almost 19 years. He joined the Army 2000 and not too long after that was sent out to war. He came back "different", confusing me, hurting me and so on. I didn't even know then what PTSD was. Now I can say, with both had PTSD from before he went to war, past sexual abuse and more.
The war just made it worst for us, I'm on my done stage.
He has destroyed me as a person with all his mental abuse.
As I was trying to save our family, he was working extra hard to destroy it. At this point I can't say if this is all based on PTSD or he is just a full blown dck.

I tell you what "all" the psychiatrists have told me. They do know right from wrong, what ever actions they take, they know and are capable of making the right decision. The I love you my way, I love you but don't show it and he continually keeps hurting you, has nothing to do with PTSD. My husband is what we call normal to other people. He is attentive, appreciative to "other" and can carry on a conversation. When it comes to my self and son. It's all a different story.
I think you should continue to do what's best for you and improving your self. He is doing what he wants. I wouldn't be scared either, because again he is capable of thinking and doing right from wrong.

 

[desiderata310]

He supported us financially

Haaaave ya seen Bridget Jones' Baby yet?
There's a scene where Bridget's doctor is talking to her, and she tells her (and I'm paraphrasing)
You don't really need them, you know? Men. Other than putting things together and carrying heavy stuff they just get in the way. You can do this on your own.

Look, I know that this isn't what you want to hear but I want you to be open to this: divorce is NOT the end of the world. Staying with someone who is abusive- even if it's "just" verbally or emotionally (and I think sometimes that's worse because it's minimized so much)? I think of that as a waste of spirit.

I understand that there are loving and kind people out there who would do right by you and treat you the way you should.

Again, I'm just saying, divorce isn't the end of the world.
In some ways it's the best thing for both parties. That might be what it takes for him to finally deal with his shit the right way.

Also, if he supported you financially during college but not in any other way? He's an ass hat.

Oh, and yeah I know what I'm talking about- just... trust me on that part.

 

[Quarantine Queen]

Thanks for your replies. I have faith in myself if we divorce. I know I can come out the other side all right its just getting there thats hard. I think couples will help me feel safe telling him what I need to say to leave and work through that process. As I said during my own parents divorce violence escalated so I have some fears around that in my own marriage. I'm working on it.

Our couples therapist actual said verbal and emotional abuse can be worse because it is isn't as obvious and it easier to play with words "I was just joking." I'm sad because I just never considered it abuse I considered it normal marriage crap that I wasn't able to deal with very well. In some ways (and this doesn't happen often anymore) I felt triggered when she said it was abusive and have had anxiety since then. I have been looking at my marriage through a different lens and its hard.

If you have divorced what was the hardest part?

 

[Deadman]

If you have divorced what was the hardest part?

Being abandoned by the one person I was absolutely sure would would stand by me was the hardest part.

I don't blame her now. I didn't ask for the PTSD. Pretty sure she didn't either. I think she would have prefered a more romantic ending. If I had lost a leg or something like that she could have handled it. An unseen, difficult to understand disorder? Not so much.

 

[Deanna]

If you have divorced what was the hardest part?

You lose your best friend, that's what. He's still living your old life and hasn't caught up yet. If you feel guilty, that he paid your way to grad school, then you should pay him back. He is self medicating because that's all he knows.