General Best way to honor those who served on memorial day

[desiderata310]

Memorial Day is right around the corner here in the US. After a very intense conversation with a guy from work (who also has PTSD)a few years ago, I learned that not only is Memorial Day the hardest of days for him but he HATES when people come up and tell him "Thank you for your service" It infuriates him to hear of "memorial day sales" and refuses to attend 'celebrations'. I can actually understand all of that.

Memorial Day is for those who passed in battle and not for him. He feels a great deal of guilt that he made it home and they didn't.

I'm always unsure of how to show my support without being intrusive. I know that Memorial Day is essentially an anniversary so in the past I have left him alone (as that's what I want on my anniversaries) but I often wonder if that's the best thing to do.

Without turning this into a finger pointing, debate post or shaming post about ANYTHING, I would love to hear best ways I could support this person or if what I am doing is really what I should be doing.

 

[woundedmind]

Memorial Day is right around the corner here in the US. After a very intense conversation with a...

Technically, Memorial Day is to remember those who died while serving in the military, often 'war dead' but you can include those whose service either directly or indirectly led to their death. Veteran's Day is to appreciate those who are alive and served. Armed Forces day is to appreciate those who are currently serving in the military to provide defense of our nation and its established values and interests. People get it mixed up. Others just find it an excuse for a day off or a barbecue none of which are bad things for most people.

Personally, I don't care to hear a trite thank you for your service, most people will ever have any concept of what I went through including most of the people I served with. A few re-reviewed their memories after they heard what was going behind the scenes and in myself, and that I went through a lot of criminal abuse by our own people, through which none of them were punished and a few were looked at as heroes before being a hero didn't involve any facing of life-threatening experiences, of which I faced but was never acknowledged because it was, again, constantly at the hands of our own people. However, those are my OWN issues and not yours to face, at least not in that specific set of circumstances. For myself I can recognize that not everyone who served was a good person, but despite that, they did serve. However, I'd appreciate that you consider than anyone you meet may have served and just give them some basic human respect. I won't wave the flag or come out and wear some identifier so that people who don't know me at all will know I served, and I face a lot of daily abuse by strangers and even family who had no concept of what I did and what I experienced.

Anyway, good intentions on your part. :)

 

[woundedmind]

Technically, Memorial Day is to remember those who died while serving in the military, often 'war d...

Oh and yeah, survivor's guilt is a thing, there might be a good reason and then again maybe dying would have had no effect on whether anyone else had survived or not and at this point it doesn't do anyone any good unless he changes his behaviors to do something proactive to give back without destroying his ability to stay alive and well to keep giving if he is going to do that (giving).
Acting in a positive manner is what he can do. Only he knows what he went through and whether he's reasonable to feel guilt is something that anyone else can determine by what real information he's willing to give out. Perhaps stop by the Veterans Administration and give him an item that carries mental health information or a hotline number to call if he feels suicidal at any point now or in the future.

 

[desiderata310]

Anyway, good intentions on your part.

As someone who suffers from PTSD as well, I want to be respectful. So you think it best to leave him alone to his thoughts? What is you preference?
I agree 'thank you for your service' sounds trite. I don't say it to him or anyone anymore.
But the fact remains that I am grateful and I want to be supportive without making it a situation that would make things worse.
Thanks for responding.

 

[Sweetpea76]

My vet is already hunkered down and in isolation.

The Memorial Day/Veterans Day thing really really bothers him. He can't stand to be thanked for his service on Memorial Day, and HATES when vets, especially non-combat, try to monopolize on it. Our hometown has a Memorial Day parade and there is a lot of that going on. People wanting praise for serving... which he considers just doing their job. This day is for the fallen, not them.

He has a lot of survivors guilt. He lost some guys under his direct command and he feels responsible. A lot of times he wishes he would have died in Iraq a whole man rather than come home broken. It's a touchy touchy day.

I leave him alone on Memorial Day, but I do donate to a charity, and he appreciates that. It's putting my money where my mouth is, so to speak. Children of Fallen Patriots is the one I'm donating to this year. It helps with college tuition for fallen servicemember's children. Welcome

 

[desiderata310]

It's a touchy touchy day

I've gathered and wanted to avoid making it worse.
I decided to just tell him I was simply thinking about him and leave it at that. It seemed the most appropriate thing I could do. We're friends and we've talked a good bit about PTSD in the past.
I dunno, it hurts to know that a friend is hurting. I can't take it away but I can at least let him know he's not alone.

 

[StarChild]

I learned that not only is Memorial Day the hardest of days for him but he HATES when people come up and tell him "Thank you for your service"

As someone who suffers from PTSD as well, I want to be respectful.

Is there a possibility to tell him that you want to be respectful, but that you would like to ask him directly, what he would wish / want / need from others for himself for this upcoming day? From my experience, and if I get the opportunity, it's always the best thing to do, to ask the concerned people directly, what their needs or wishes are.

 

[desiderata310]

I've waited a bit too late to ask. He's gone into isolation. I've been wrapped up in my own PTSD land for a bit too long.

 

[Sweetpea76]

He may actually appreciate the space more than any warm wishes, honestly. I'm not even going to look my vets direction this weekend. He'll probably be in a bad mood for a week or two at least.

At the most, I may do a grocery drop on his doorstep. He probably doesn't even want that from me right now honestly. When he gets like this I tend to think "functional" rather than "emotional/mental". Like can I order him a pizza? Pick up anything for him? Give me a holler if you need anything, if not, you know where to find me later, etc.

 

[Snowflakes]

As a VietNam combat veteran, I prefer to be left along with my thoughts on days that remind me of those that didn't come home with me. I already know who is aware of some of what I went through and that is good enough. This is my preference, others may see differently.

I write this now because I see the love and concern in your hearts.