Therapy flunkie

[WishfulThinking123]

Honestly...I have ALOT of trouble talking in therapy and it is starting to get better. What has really made leaps and bounds in my progress I think Is for me to write in my journal and immediately when I go in show my T a journal entry this gets the ball rolling without me having to say the words aloud. I feel like its a little robotic/systematic to just walk in and say please read this but, it really works to write down what I could NEVER say aloud. I also just bring in my j without a purse or anything, I know if I had to take it out my purse even I would freeze/not do it. I also had a concern in my head about the T and being afraid to tell her some things and I wrote her a letter in which I handed her. This just really seems to keep the sessions focused and takes the pressure off of having to say certain things aloud which I eventually chicken out of and no matter how much I wish she was, my T is not a mind reader... sigh :/

 

[anonymous]

Is it better to be a flunkie or a drop out?

I could have just walked away from therapy this week, but I didn't. I had the opportunity to do so, and it would have been so easy, but I felt guilty, so I stayed. I decided I at least owed it to my therapist to tell him I was tired of treading water and that I was done.

When I went in the office, he commented on how unusually calm and still I was. He had never seen me still before...ever. I was numb. Maybe relieved? I was there, yet not.

I can image it is kind of like the calm that so often accompanies the decision to end ones life. The decision was made...

But then it wasn't.

I asked if he thought I would be better off with somebody different. He said, "No." I told him I didnt feel like it was going anywhere.

He told me, for the first time out loud, that he absolutely knew I was witholding information from him (he is more sure than me maybe?). He said he understood why, but it is somethig we need to work on. He doesn't think I should quit.

He said disclosing personal stuff doesnt feel safe and he understands, but that I shouldn't worry about what he or any other doctor thinks. They are working for me, so "f*ck them."

I do care what he thinks though. Isn't that why I am paying him?

I made another appointment. Its harder to walk away when you are face to face with somebody. I am weak.

I don't know if I rescheduled because deep down I knew it would help, or if I did it out of feeling guilty for walking away. Either way, it seems I've been roped back in.

And I keep going back to the big question of whether or not I really need to be there. Is it helping, or hurting? Is it better to be a flunkie or a drop out?

 

[UnicornSightings]

Is it better to be a flunkie or a drop out?

I could have just walked away from therapy this week, bu...

Hey!!! Cool! You said it! You questioned it! Bravo for being so direct! And duuuuuude! It's totally normal to be indecisive with this. I've seen maybe 6 therapists while I've been with my current t because I was unsure at various times lol!

Ok, decision paralysis. So, just lighten it up a BIT. Give yourself 2 months. Maybe 1 month. To just TRY with this t. THEN after that you can return to decision limbo, deal? Cause you've MADE the decision already. Just as I have by canceling appts with other therapist. You are there so BE THERE now. You can leave later if you want. The option is always there.

And I don't know if it's "right" but I LOVE that he said no to you when you asked that lol.

 

[BlueOrange]

I do care what he thinks though. Isn't that why I am paying him?

Kinda, sorta, but not quite. You're paying him because he thinks, and because he can have advice that helps, and questions that get you to think about the things that you'd otherwise avoid thinking about. You care about what he thinks of you, about whether he thinks you're a good person, and whether he likes you; but that's not what you're paying him for.

Many people care so much about what others think of them, that it stops them from doing things that are important, things that they really should do. Tell him everything you can withstand telling him - either you'll lose a useless therapist, or you'll gain a more useful one.

 

[anonymous]

Thank you to everybody who has responded.

He has told me it is not his job to give advice?

I kind of understand what he means, but sometimes I just wish he would tell me what he thinks.

I had a professor once that would never answer a question outright. He would always answer with another question. It used to frustrate us.

Looking back though, I can still, to this day, remember the answer to every question I ever asked him. I consider him one of the most effective teachers that I have ever had. I guess working for the answer made it stick with me longer than having it handed to me.

Maybe I should consider that maybe this is how my therapist operates. Or maybe he doesn't have the answer.

The thing is, when I was questioned later on things I had learnrd in that class, I knew the answer. After a year of therapy, unfortunately, I am still clueless and certain I would receive an F.

Maybe it's time for a change in major.

 

[Iamsensative]

How long did it take you to admit to yourself, and to him, that there was a trauma issue?

I just wanted to jump in and say it takes time, false starts, ups and downs. I went to a therapist for a year. He was brilliant, but he couldnt help me get to a place of comfort. I had very complicated trauma, childhood, marriage and my sons abuse by a relative. I trusted no one, i never thought i could possibly open myself. It took a new therapist over a year of me feeling him out, learning to really trust him before i started sharing. You can find away through, dont push yourself but try a litte each time.

 

[anonymous]

Thank you to everybody who has responded.

 

[Tinyflame]

Wow, just to say it took me decades and many many losses and crises before I ever said anything, and many years to trust and address tiny pieces at a time. When I hear even a year or 2 I think 'Speedy Gonzales'! :) :tup: So I suppose it's all relative.

I do think it's easier, or I felt stronger, on a roll. Breaks or just plain fear etc takes more effort to get back to feeling a sense of safety. Well just for me and maybe not appropriate- not a T's office/ i.e. a stranger. Idk how anyone does that, kudos to them for sure.

Thank you anonymous because it helps me form a question too: how aggressively/ to what degree of effort or cost should we be trying to address it? (I had already thought earlier, and 'how', precisely?)

I also think, when I had more optimism or faith about getting through/ surviving stuff/ believing 'it will be ok', I actually did get through it better (= I felt better).

Best wishes to you. :hug:

 

[zoie33]

Maybe I should consider that maybe this is how my therapist operates. Or maybe he doesn't have the answer.

The thing is, when I was questioned later on things I had learnrd in that class, I knew the answer. After a year of therapy, unfortunately, I am still clueless and certain I would receive an F.

@ Link Removed... I know this might sound like I am responding with tough love but that is one of my issues. I apologize for my directness and don't mean to sound uncaring, but have you ever considered that maybe he doesn't have the answer because as he stated, you are holding back from telling him the problem. This same situation applies to why you still feel clueless a year later.

I know it is really hard to open up and tell your T the really important or hurtful parts of your past. I dissociate almost immediately upon walking through the door every time. I also want to get better and I know two things.

1. I can't get better unless I face up to my reality and decide that I am going to fight for my future happiness. I can either stay numb and depressed for the rest of my life or I can accept my past and fight like hell to get past it. For this, I know I need some help. I can't do it alone. Obviously if I could I would still not be in this state 50 years down the road. I don't have all that much time left and I don't want to spend the rest of my life in therapy. I want to be fixed as soon as possible and unfortunately with DID it is still going to take awhile. Sooooo, as hard as it is I have to bite the bullet and reach out to my T for a lifeline. I have a great one who has the skills to get me through this BUT...

2. As great as my therapist is, he cannot help me at all unless I am open and honest with him about my issues. Think of yourself like a computer. If it is broken and you really want it fixed, it is not going to do you any good to take it to the shop with the hard drive missing. The shop needs to have your whole computer. The hard drive (your brain including all of its memories, thoughts and feelings) is the most important part. Without that, the shop cannot do a damn thing to make your computer work again. So as hard as it is, I have to find a way to give my T the information he desperately needs to help me. I try my best to not dissociate but I fail more often than not. For me, writing everything down is the only way to go. Sometimes I am able to read it myself. Sometimes, I have to hand it over and let my T read it. Either way works and gets my point across. He really appreciates me sharing the important things regardless of how I choose to communicate it. I actually like writing things down better sometimes because he has my questions in writing and he will go through and make sure he answers or addresses all of my concerns. Those are my most productive sessions.

Good luck to you with whatever you decide but remember you are NOT paying him for anything else but to "help" you. It doesn't matter what he thinks about you or your issues. Most of the time our perceptions of that are probably way off base anyway. They are looking at you as someone with pain that needs healing. They do not want to be your friend. They have a job to do and their main goal is to help you in the healing process, period.

 

[anonymous]

Thank you anonymous because it helps me form a question too: how aggressively/ to what degree of effort or cost should we be trying to address it? (I had already thought earlier, and 'how', precisely?)

This is something that never stops turning over in my head. Why? Why open Pandora's box, and what happens if hope is not there? Sometimes it makes things worse it seems. I keep waiting for the "before it gets better" part of the "It gets worse before it gets better" statement. I havent really thought about it this way, but it could play into my reservations about talking.

How much uncovering and disclosing must be done? How much is "enough" to finish the process? What is the point of forcing bad memories to re emerge?

but have you ever considered that maybe he doesn't have the answer because as he stated, you are holding back from telling him the problem. This same situation applies to why you still feel clueless a year later.

As great as my therapist is, he cannot help me at all unless I am open and honest with him about my issues.

Yes, I consider this all the time. I consider it in the middle of the night and in the middle of my workday. At times, the question consumes me. He has even discussed it with me. He has told me that what he thinks shouldn't matter. He has also told me that more information helps him to better help me.

As the beginning of my post said, I am failing miserably. This is one of those things I struggle the most with. The other is foguring out what is and is not revelant.

have to find a way to give my T the information he desperately needs to help me. I try my best to not dissociate but I fail more often than not. For me, writing everything down is the only way to go. Sometimes I am able to read it myself. Sometimes, I have to hand it over and let my T read it

I wish that this was an option for me. I have tried email with the thought it would give us a place to start. He never reads them, and tells me to speak instead. He needs to know the stress level I guess.

Thank you for your responses.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh this is so me too anonymous!

Thank you for your perspective, questions and thoughts on this.

:hug:

 

[anonymous]

This thread is becoming a hundred kilometer long bitch fest, but somehow it is serving a purpose for me. I apologize for the whine.

Today, if therapy were a class, I am fairly certain I failed my mid term miserably. I had decided to scratch the surface of things with my therapist.

That is, until I arrived in the parking lot 10 minutes early. It is never a good idea for me to arrive early for appointments as it only gives me too much time to amp up before going to "the room."

My therapist threw the door wide open. He even took the hinges off the door. He started by saying, "Anonymous, you said I never bring back up what we were talking about last time. The floor is yours. Whatever you want. What are we talking about today? You tell me."

What did I do? Did I tell him all of the things I've wanted to tell somebody? Did I go with my plan of telling him SOMETHING? Nope. Not at all. I froze like a deer in the headlights. He said, "Anonymous, a shoulder shrug is not an answer."

Sigh.

Failed that mid term. Feeling like an idiot.