Numb, confused, questioning validity of my dx

[sunkenharpy]

I've been diagnosed with chronic (delayed onset) PTSD from childhood trauma & going to a psych for EMDR therapy for a few months now. I was also diagnosed with ADHD and bipolar II, and once treatment started (mood stabilizer/stimulant), I've made improvement in my day-to-day life.

However I'm having a really bizarre dissociative spell, or that's what I think it is, and questioning the validity of my PTSD.

Is it common to question if I -really- have PTSD during a time of great duress? Feeling totally fake and disconnected? Has anyone had this happen?

Am I in some massive state of denial?

Can this happen as a result of recovering, then having a relapse?

I've identified with CPTSD because of what I've been through/symptoms, but I've started to question if I've been honest with myself about that, too. It doesn't help that my psych doesn't really... recognize it. She hasn't shot it down per se, but she sticks to the DSM, and we've never gone into it.

IF YOU DON'T WANNA READ THE LONG TEXT OF CONTEXT THAT IS OK, I MOSTLY JUST WANT TO KNOW IF ANYONE HAS EXPERIENCED WHAT'S DESCRIBED ABOVE.

Context below:
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The man who was my father figure since I was 5, who was very influential and important to me, just passed away suddenly. I'm stunned.

This is not my first experience with sudden loss and I have dealt with a lot of trauma...

Growing up I never safe or "present" in my body or like I had any caretaker to really come to for safety and support. Bullied relentlessly (even by friends and caretakers), emotionally abusive/unstable/neglectful parents, etc.

My bio-dad, who was an unstable, abusive addict, died when I was 16. The last time I spoke to him, he called after years of no contact, and was psychotic... Before that, my Grandpa, who also helped raise me, passed away when I was 11, and at the time I didn't understand or process what happened. I've never really grieved...

This means no one who was a father figure is in my life anymore.

With this most recent loss, I've mostly felt numb. I can feel happiness when with friends, but left to my own devices I ruminate or dissociate, unless I find a distraction. To top it off, the timing coincides with other massive stress factors that I won't go into. I've been having frequent periods of dissociation, but I always feel like I'm a hair away from stoping it, or that I choose not to.

I also choose to ruminate on upsetting things, or so I feel. Or could I be so resigned to instructive thoughts at this point, that I can't help but try to "figure them out?" I didn't used to be this way, until several abusive relationships.

I keep having thoughts that I've been "faking it" or choosing to act this way as something to latch onto and explain my issues... I feel very guilty over it.

Part of the problem may be how much I've repressed and can't feel at all/don't remember well, but... I also feel I've exaggerated so much as a way to feel valid? My "flashbacks" don't feel like flashbacks so much as "regressive anxious states." When I talk about my trauma, it feels like a rehearsed lie, even when it's true. I don't "relive" the events, usually, aside from getting lost in memories and zoning out sometimes, but it's caused by rumination that I bring onto myself.

I've try to "fill in the gaps" on some things and no longer know what I do/don't remember.

I had a panic attack where I felt terrified and unable to move at my psych's this past week, but that's not typical for me. Most my "panic attacks" in the past year are more like "breakdowns" or "rage fits" because it's not accompanied by a sense of fear, but pent up emotions I haven't been able to release resulting in a sudden loss of control...

I start hyperventilating, screaming, unleash all this pent up fury, feel detached from my emotions, start throwing things, hurting myself, until I'm exhausted and suddenly shut down... I almost feel like my body is FORCING it out of me, but at the same time I feel like I could stop if I wanted to? Is this a panic attack or just a meltdown? Is this PTSD at work or am I throwing a temper tantrum? I've had "rage fits" like this since childhood.

Mostly, I feel like an active volcano, any moment something is going to trigger an explosion of repressed memories/emotion, but it never comes.

I have to wonder am I so traumatized that my brain's way of coping is to cut myself off from feelings related to the trauma? And that perhaps it's kind of stuck inside of me until certain situations lead to regressive or dissociated states...

 

[Justmehere]

Minimization, denial, and over intellectualization are very common defense mechanisms against pain that many trauma survivors utilize. They are maladaptive ways of coping with what feels overwhelming.

Regression to an earlier developmental state when talking about childhood trauma is also very real sign of trauma.

my brain's way of coping is to cut myself off from feelings related to the trauma? And that perhaps it's kind of stuck inside of me until certain situations lead to regressive or dissociated states...

Yes.

The more you can develop robust coping tools and reduce overall stress, the more you will be able to handle without dissociation or regression.

(edited to fix a typo.)

 

[sunkenharpy]

Minimization, denial, and over intellecualization are very common defense mechanisms...

"Over Intellecualization" was not a term I was familiar with, but hits me in the gut.

Because I retread and retread and retread situations that have been triggering or outright traumatic, to the point where it really does feel like a puzzle to solve rather than something I've actively experienced. When I described it as "a rehearsed lie" today, I felt that was succinct... and knowing that term now, oof, that describes it so well.

I am told over and over by friends how they admire my insight and ability to read/empathize with them, and I'm often the first person they reach out to for untangling problems they themselves do not understand. Even my therapists have commended me for how "self aware" I seem, and how well I've been able to articulate my problems, but I'm not sure how many of them realize that's my way of coping and it needs to be broken so I can actually get these feelings out...

I even had a psych who said I didn't seem to have a mood disorder because of how logically I was able to rationalize things. I'm kind of shocked no one had mentioned this to me before...

Definitely something to bring up next therapy session, thank you so so much for your input...

 

[Justmehere]

My therapists have told me I have excellent insight and etc, much like yours. They praised me for it --- like all defense mechanisms, there is sometimes a good side to it. I'm an over-intellectualizer too, most therapists missed it.

It took a well seasoned trauma therapist to help me see what I was doing and now I ask my therapist to call me out on it. Again and again.

Now, when I catch myself doing it, I acknowledge that it's probably a sign I'm trying to avoid pain. I can't/don't always stop, but I treat it like it's a symptom in and of itself. Like how a panic attack would mean I need to engage some deep breathing skills, becoming overly intellectual about things means I need to engage some other coping skills. For me, it's body based grounding that works the best for this - holding ice, physical excercise, doing abstract art, doing body scans, etc. It's not so much about big emotional expressions but perhaps moments of settling into my body more, and feeling small bits of sitting with the discomfort and fear and stepping back out. That's how my brain is learning it doesn't need to run from the pain and emotion.

Letters to my inner child have been one way to work out moments of feeling regressed. When my therapist suggest it, I thought she was being really out there... but it lets me use the intellectualization abilities to connect to those regressed feelings and not get overwhelmed by them so much I dissociate and run. It balances the two. It oddly works for me to feel a lot more present and real, and feel emotions I've been trying to numb out. There are lots of examples online about how to do this, and I posted about it here too: A Letter To My Inner Kid From My Adult Self. Forms of this will also be called an internal dialogue.

That's few thoughts from someone who can relate to your struggle quite a bit. Feel free to disregard anything that's not helpful - I hope you find what works for you. All that you describe is really quite common for trauma survivors.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

I definitely can relate. Whenever I kind of disassociate/numb out it usually lasts for a few days and literally I can think and ponder about my trauma all day long without any emotions attached in this state, I also minimize and I also think "hey I'm cured! Why am I in therapy again??-there's no pain there" but, then of course give it a couple of days and the emotions come back :/ "Over intellectualization" is also something I've never heard of but...wow makes so much sense.. When I am disassociating I just look at everything logically and cannot offer good emotional support to others sadly in this state because, I am unaffected and just give logical responses...

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

some of what you described may be a common element of PTSD dissociative symptoms, depersonalization where its like your watching self behave from afar, and even questioning the behavior but unable to stop it is what I have had.

Signs and symptoms depend on the type of dissociative disorders you have, but may include:

• Memory loss (amnesia) of certain time periods, events, people and personal information
• A sense of being detached from yourself and your emotions
• A perception of the people and things around you as distorted and unreal
• A blurred sense of identity
• Significant stress or problems in your relationships, work or other important areas of your life
• Inability to cope well with emotional or professional stress
• Mental health problems, such as depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts and behaviors

• Depersonalization-derealization disorder. This involves an ongoing or episodic sense of detachment or being outside yourself — observing your actions, feelings, thoughts and self from a distance as though watching a movie (depersonalization). Other people and things around you may feel detached and foggy or dreamlike, time may be slowed down or sped up, and the world may seem unreal (derealization). You may experience depersonalization, derealization or both. Symptoms, which can be profoundly distressing, may last only a few moments or come and go over many years.

 

[sunkenharpy]

My therapists have told me I have excellent insight and etc, much like yours. They praised me for it...

It really makes so much sense. The panic attack I had at my therapist's office was the first one in a while where I felt that terrified/helpless, and thinking back I believe it's because the pain/terror I've repressed actually just... hit me. I can't exactly remember what I said that triggered it, but I felt my legs go numb, chest tighten and I became so dissociated I was seeing double from a far away distance.

It'a going to be hard to break myself out of it, as it's my main coping mechanism (from what I can tell right now, aside from just avoidant behaviors in general), but thank you for your suggestion. Tactile sensation is great for breaking me out of dissociating, but since I hadn't treated the intellectualization as a symptom - but as me "handing my problems maturely" so... will talk to my psych as well as work hard to catch myself and get out of my head.

OH also the "letter to my child self" sounds like a really really fantastic idea since I feel very cut off from that 'self' and those memories, again seeming like something I made up or am lying about rather than things I experienced and felt.

Thanks so much <3

 

[sunkenharpy]

I definitely can relate. Whenever I kind of disassociate/numb out it usually lasts for a few...

OOF yeah I have had stints (especially during mania) where I felt absolutely nothing was wrong with me, like some kind of selective amnesia of the lows I had gone through and traumatic experiences... periods where I told myself nothing could hurt me unless I allowed it to, etc, being very unsympathetic to those struggling with illness I share myself, but minimized and denied :/

And hey, I feel you on that last bit. It's hard because it incites anger/hurt in loved ones when you're repsonding to them robotically, but it's hard for them to understand it's self preservation rather than inteionally trying to be cold hearted

 

[sunkenharpy]

some of what you described may be a common element of PTSD dissociative symptoms, depersonal...

Hm I could actually apply most of those symptoms listed to "myself" but even now it writing this, it again feels like I'm talking about an avatar, and the real "I" is this disembodied consiousness independent of that "self." It's very confusing and frustrating.

When I dissociate I most often feel like my body is vestigial, or like a small little pilot operating a vessel from the recess of my mind. When things are REALLY severe I feel like I'm shrinking away from reality and everything gets further and further away. Had a lot of periods during a walk the other day where I just stopped walking, felt like I was in a dream or not there at all.

I don't know if I have an actual DISORDER so much as it's avoidant behavior, and I'm starting to think a lot of it's more automatic than I realize, as I avoid triggers like the plague (especially concerning death and mortality).

 

[Deadman]

Is it common to question if I -really- have PTSD during a time of great duress? Feeling totally fake and disconnected? Has anyone had this happen?

Yes. Its very common. At times I felt like a PTSD fake. Many others here have as well. Its a common theme. "I can't have PTSD because my trauma wasn't as bad as his and he is OK". "I can't have PTSD because I'm not that type of person." Etc. Etc.

 

[Friday]

Is it common to question PTSD dx? Absolutely. I do it myself about twice a day, right now.

I was also diagnosed with ADHD and bipolar II,

This one right here? I can guarantee is incorrect.

Bipolar Disorder & ADHD are "sister-disorders" in that they share soooo many symptoms, it can be really difficult to differentiate which it is without medication HOWEVER they never never never present comorbid / together.

The basic reason why is best explained with meds.

- Stimulants calm people with ADHD.
- Stimulants send Bipolar people into manias & mixed episodes.
= Can't be both.
Both disorders react really atypically to stimulants... In opposite directions.

Moreover, the mood stabilizers & antipsychotics that calm bipolar people? Tend to send ADHD people INTO uncontrollable mood swings & psychosis. :facepalm:

So what happens, when you have a misdiagnosis of both disorders? Massive over medication to treat symptoms ...caused by the medication, not the disorder.

 

[anthony]

Am I in some massive state of denial?

Probably. Pretty normal after diagnosis.