The whole attachment issue...

[Deleted member 42665]

I went back a few pages and didn't see any posts about this so I am making a new one.

I have only been in therapy for 2 months, weekly, other than the past few he let me go 2x a week because I am in a bit of a crisis (although I told him I can go weekly again now)

Anyway, last week, I was able to call him monday "just to talk" and then saw him tues, he emailed me on wed and I saw him friday. I realized after friday I started to feel a bond/closeness (i hate the term attachment) and it scares me! I am not sure if its just because we had too much contact this past week or if its just because it seems to happen to many people regardless.

I have issues with getting close to people, in that, my instinct is to push them away before they can hurt me, so now I am faced with this, trying to figure how to push him away yet not quit going. I am too scared to tell him though, although he does know I was afraid I could be attached at some point, but I don't want him to cut me off from email or phone contact if its needed, or 2x a week if I need that again. I don't want him to stop being kind to me, because all of this will make me ever regret trusting him and honestly, I'd probably stop going.

So is there any hope that this can fade? Any good way to push him away or keep him distant to get this from becoming worse? I hope by Friday I am not feeling this way anymore but only time will tell I guess.

Already I am terrified of the idea of leaving him someday... it could be years away and it makes me sick to my stomach to think about. Right now he is the only real life support I have, my best friend lives out of state and I rarely see her, otherwise its that and internet friends only.

Help, this has me totally FREAKED out, I do not wanna feel close to him, bad things happen when you let people in.... :(

 

[scout86]

Has it occurred to you that there might be a downside to always pushing people away? I'm guessing this is something you've done a lot. How has it worked out for you so far? In theory, at least, a T should be a relatively safe person to practice 'not pushing them away'. Have you consider that as an option?

 

[Eagle3]

I had to deal with this same issue. The need to repulse is strong when I start feeling bonded, which I definitely am to my T! What I've learned in my years of therapy is, if I try to push away feelings, they just get stronger until I can't ignore them anymore, and act without thought. A better way to deal with unwelcome emotional pressures is to hold them, accept them, don't act on them, but let them go in their own time. The uncomfortable feelings will fade if given enough attention and time, just like whining children. Therapy is about teaching us to be appropriate parents to ourselves, including emotions, and this is one tip that has absolutely turned my world around. I can accept and feel uncomfortable feelings without being ruled by them now. Its taken time and a LOT of courage to get to this point. It helps that I have a T who is always kind and caring, even if not always in contact.

My T knows about my problems feeling connected, so just recently I've been able to speak and show subtle clues that I actually am pretty attached to him. He's going out of town this week so I'm going to miss a session. I spent last session saying how jealous I was he was going to the event he's going to, how I wanted to stow away in someone's luggage just to go watch the event, and how I was going to cry a little about missing him next week. When it came time for the post-session hug, I had to actually ask, but this was one of the first hugs we've had that we could both feel the human connection as part of it. Very healing for me, very reassuring for him. But this could only have happened because both of us gave me the time to work out and deal with my connection issues as I was able.

I'm still terrified that I'll have to leave him before I'm ready, but I know as long as he's alive and I have the money, I have access to him whenever I need it, and where ever I am. Now, the thought that he'll suddenly drop dead on me is a real problem, but I've decided to stay in the Now and enjoy every session I have with him. This is a better use of my money and his time, and enables me to actually work on the issues that need the most attention. My fears of abandonment are being dealt with as I work with the other stuff. Now, I've been seeing this guy for almost 2 years now, and will probably see him for several more, but I've been in therapy with others for over 10 years. This is the first T I've felt a real connection with, and its only with him that I've been able to work on my real trauma issues. Connection was necessary to do that, but I had to be brave enough to realize I needed to trust his professionalism AS a therapist, and he earned my trust along the way. There have been some rough sessions, some ups and downs, but overall, connection has occurred because I was able to let it happen on its own time.

This takes a lot of intestinal fortitude to NOT push away when the urge to do so is so overwhelming, but this is one place where its safer than other relationships to let your emotional baggage hang out. That's what we pay them for!

Good luck, and be brave in facing your fears. That's the only way to conquer them and grow in life!

 

[Deleted member 42665]

Has it occurred to you that there might be a downside to always pushing people away? I'm guessing this...

oh there is a downside, loneliness. I know that well.. but it is something I feel more used to, I don't do well with people leaving me, it messes with my trust issues.

sure it's safe but do I wanna risk everything, and have him be just another person to prove to me that I can't trust anyone? No. not worth the risk in saying. i am used to keeping my feelings in, i will probably be able to do it this time as well.

Hopefully it was just a fluke week and its gone before my next appointment

 

[Deleted member 42665]

I had to deal with this same issue. The need to repulse is strong when I start feeling bonded, which I def...

Good to know I am not alone and just the thought of mine going away scares me, heck I can't even imagine going to bi weekly sessions. I've asked him several times if he was going anywhere anytime soon, he said no, he gives me a few weeks notice if that should change

I am very ok with keeping it in, as I usually do but I am not ok with risking losing him or my outside contact when I need it most, there is no way I can admit this to him any time soon

I sometimes wish I had researched this before I started therapy, and then I never would of gone, knowing this could happen. How am I suppose to happily embrace this knowing full well, someday, just like everyone else has, he will leave me... it just seems insane.

 

[scout86]

I was going to like that part, right up to the last sentence. LOL

do I wanna risk everything,

What's 'everything'? I really mean that. What, exactly, are you risking here?

I'm not saying you're risking nothing. Far from it. But it's not REALLY life and death either. He could disappoint you, true. Chances are he probably will, if you work with him long enough, because he's human. But you aren't an infant. Trusting someone a little doesn't literally mean you're putting your life in their hands NOW, even it did once. It's going to be hard to get much done if the two of you don't form some kind of alliance.

In my own case, I think I've benefited as much, so far,from learning to form that alliance as I have from anything else.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

I was going to like that part, right up to the last sentence. LOL

What's 'everything'? I really mean t...

the email contact, which is very helpful for me since i tend to think of things i wanted to say AFTER i leave and i dont like keeping them on my mind all week....

the phone call, he trusts me enough to have his cell number and he allows me to call just to talk in crisis because he knows i have only him and my friend out of state as support

the 2x a week, i know my situation will get worse again, its inevitable and not being able to go 2x a week anymore, would kill me during that hard time

the kindness... the whole point in me being comfortable and able to open up is trusting him, if he stops being as kind, i wont trust, therefore, i wont open up, therapy becomes useless

 

[scout86]

And, if he's kind, and trustworthy, you're going to get attached to him. That's the way it's 'supposed' to work.

I really do get that this is a big deal. I have many of the same challenges. I don't get attached to people easily or often, but I have, and I do. It costs you something in the end. No doubt about it. But relationships can give you a lot along the way too. Some endings are worse than others. I think the kind where you don't know what happened, you can't do anything about it, and you're sure it's your fault are the worst. But, sometimes things end because people have grown and are ready to move on to other opportunities. There are a LOT of options.

What I'd suggest is that you try to accept the distress you're feeling as a 'symptom'. Because it is. And working through it, even talking about it if you can, is going to benefit you in the long run.

 

[Justmehere]

There are many things that help therapy be effective. The number one single biggest factor? The therapeutic alliance. Feeeling attached is good. Yes, it is scary. Now you get to learn new ways to manage that fear in other ways other than pushing him away.

I would not treat the week as a fluke, but a success. And I agree with @scout86 that the distress you are feeling now is a symptom. It's a feeling. Feelings are important but they are not facts. Feeling bad doesn't always mean someone is doing something that is bad. It is not actually dangerous to be attached to a therapist, it is a sign of growth. It can help you become safer and less distressed over time to be able to attach in this way.

Think about it like a muscle - you are excercising it, the muscle is sore, but that doesn't mean excerise is bad.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

There are many things that help therapy be effective. The number one single biggest factor? The ther...

maybe but it just scares me he will change how he is with me or cut me off, and i can't deal with any of that right now. i am comfortable with him and i need it to stay that way, especially during my tough time right now. :(

 

[scout86]

If he's good at his job, and it sounds like he is, he'll know that. But, maybe you could tell him that too. Think of it as an experiment. What would happen if you asked for what you need from him?

 

[Friday]

Already I am terrified of the idea of leaving him someday... it could be years away and it makes me sick to my stomach to think about. Right now he is the only real life support I have,

One other thing to keep in mind is that by the time you do leave? That won't be true, anymore. You'll have other things in your life then, that you don't have now.