Relationship Wife with ptsd having an affair

[Spaceboy]

My wife's had many traumas in her life but most recent was a year ago her dad was murdered. She was "fine" until the police had to release the suspects while they built a case. Leading up to this we where having the best time in our relationship. We've been together 14 years and married for 10. We felt great.

Days after the news about the suspects she said she couldn't feel anything and she didn't know if she loved me. This blew me apart as I couldn't get my head around that. Within a week she couldn't be at our house at all and had met someone with a similar troubled childhood and started sleeping at his house as she felt safe as with me and our house it reminded her of her dad.

Cut a long story short 10 weeks later and they're a full blown couple. We've spoken many times and we have 4 kids together so we still operate as a parenting team but she's emotionally numb with me. At the minute she can't think logically or emotionally and so sadly didn't use protection and has gotten pregnant with him. I'm devastated about how things have changed so quickly but I love her to pieces and so I've sat back and given her the space she needs and trying to understand what she's going through. She's started feeling better at times and has started to feel more happiness and love with me and has said she's sad how things are and thinks about us back together. She feels I'm her soul mate and she has a similar feeling for this guy. She says at times she feels nothing and other times she feels guilt but can compartmentalise it away.

I've told her that I love her. That this isn't her atm and that I'm not angry at her but angry and so sad at what's happened. She's said about getting back together and I've said I'd help raise the baby if she did but she says she doesn't feel ready to leave him.

Now I'm in the situation that I cant be with my wife and we have to sneak around just to try to speak to each other otherwise her bf kicks off. And I have to watch as she leaves to go back to him knowing the things they'll be doing. And he's putting pressure on her to kick me out of our house!

My reason for writing this is ive not come across this situation in a thread to draw advice from. I've read about the condition but I can't help going through angry days about it and that can make her feel worse. In a way I've had to lock my feelings away in order to cope with it. How can I be patient and wait? As I feel she will come back to me in time. But how long do I have to endure watching them? How do I deal with this "affair"? She doesn't fully see it that way as she's detached from it all.

I've missed out loads I could've said but I imagine this post is long enough already but any questions I'll happily answer. All advice or feedback welcome.

Thanks.

 

[StarChild]

Welcome to the forum @Spaceboy! Was / is your wife in (trauma)therapy, and what exact diagnosis did she receive?

 

[Sweetpea76]

She's is still responsible for her choices, even if she has PTSD.

If she didn't have PTSD would you excuse this behavior from her?

 

[Sighs]

Mmm - I think you really need to think about your wants and needs. Regardless of why she has behaved this way, now that she is having a baby with the boyfriend things are complicated forever. If you two get back together how are you going to handle contact between the child and its biological father? He is unlikely to just disappear and let the two of you raise his child as your own.

The existence of this child changes everything. For me, it would mean the end of the relationship. A bridge too far.

 

[Spaceboy]

Welcome to the forum @Spaceboy! Was / is your wife in (trauma)therapy, and what exact diagnosis did she receive?

Thank you for the welcome TreeHugger. Yes she's in therapy and for the most part wants to do it. Diagnosis as far as I know was for PTSD with possible ideation.

She's is still responsible for her choices, even if she has PTSD.

If she didn't have PTSD would you excuse this behavior from her?

Hi sweetpea76. I wouldn't excuse it if she didn't have it but my understanding is that she can't help feeling safe with the bf and not feeling love for me because of her condition. Her mind feels she's single and she can't feel guilt for what she's done or yet see the damage it's causing.

Hi Sighs. I know this situation would be more than most can handle but I truly love her and before this we where great. I don't expect the dad would go away and even though its cut me so deep that she's sharing that whole experience with someone else when it should only be with me I'm accepting that he'd want to play a role in the child's life.

 

[Sweetpea76]

So many supporters fall into the trap of excusing everything their sufferers do because they have PTSD.

There is a difference between a symptom and a coping mechanism to deal with that symptom.

Emotional numbing is a symptom. Leaving your family is a coping mechanism. Self destructive urges, feeling the urge to sexually act out, the desire to self harm, rage, depression, etc... all symptoms. Cheating, promiscuity, lying, risk taking, self harm, and substance abuse are examples of coping mechanisms. Symptoms are involuntary, coping mechanisms are choices.

She may be experiencing symptoms that make her feel certain ways, but her actions are choices. She's not possessed or on autopilot, she's making self destructive choices.

Cheating is not a symptom of PTSD.

It hurts like hell when the love of your life cheats on you and leaves. My ex husband (who didn't have PTSD) did the same thing and I mourned that man like he died. I looked for reasons and justifications. He didn't really mean it, or he still loved me really and would be back. I made excuses. Holding him responsible took a long time. PTSD is a justification you've landed on.

I'm not saying to stop loving her, and to never give her another chance if given the opportunity. What I'm saying is you need to get real about what is going on. She cheated because she made the decision to cheat. If that's not OK for a healthy partner, it's not OK for her. You have to decide if you can It's something you will have to work through from that angle.

If you excuse her actions because of her PTSD, then she may continue to cheat because it's a go-to coping mechanism that made her feel better for awhile, and she got away with it. Is that how you want to live? In a cycle of infidelities, wondering when she is going to cheat next?

You're allowed boundaries, limits, and expectations, even if your wife is mentally ill. They're what makes the difference between being a miserable doormat and being in a healthy relationship.

She needs to own she's a cheater and what she did was not acceptable if she wants to be married to you. She made the decision and her PTSD did not force her to do what she did. She's the one who messed up. Forgiveness is up to you. You have to deal with the trust issues and everything that comes with being cheated on. Both of you have to work on the marriage and she has to do her share.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Her mind feels she's single and she can't feel guilt for what she's done or yet see the damage it's causing.

And I'm sorry, but that seems like a load of poo somebody is flinging at you to see what sticks. She knows she is married. Do you think she could forget a 10 year marriage? Does this seem like something that is reasonable or logical to you at all?

 

[StarChild]

self harm, rage, depression, etc... all symptoms

self harm, and substance abuse are examples of coping mechanisms.

@Sweetpea76, why is self harm a symptom as well as a choice? I don't get that... :wideeyed: Could you please elaborate a bit further on this subject, please? Thank you in advance.:tup:

 

[Sweetpea76]

feeling the urge to sexually act out, self harm, rage,

I had "feeling the urge" in there, but it does look a little funky now that I'm looking at it again @TreeHugger. I'll go back there and clean that up.

 

[anthony]

Cut a long story short 10 weeks later and they're a full blown couple. We've spoken many times and we have 4 kids together so we still operate as a parenting team but she's emotionally numb with me.

You've just described the perfect example of what trauma does to people. Saying that, we traumatised still make our own decisions and know what we're doing. The problem is, we do it because we can no longer handle our current stressor intake (present life), so we think a different one will have less stressors (no kids over there, no history, etc).

It takes a while to work out (can be years) that this approach is an avoidance response, and usually a pretty destructive one.

Now saying all of that, usually this happens when the person is already having thoughts about wanting to get out of a relationship.

I'm going to give you my experience, based on severe PTSD being obtained.

First wife, longevity relationship from youth, pregnant young, felt trapped, but happy about my son, loved them both, still love my son. I never felt I wanted to marry her... that was probably the biggest warning sign I had, but ignored nonetheless. I married her purely because I joined the Army and it was the fastest way to ensure my son was moved with me.

Deployed a few times, looking back I can see the outcome was PTSD, I just didn't know it. It was the type that you get and recover from with time alone, talking about stuff with friends, which I did each time. After one deployment, I kissed another girl and kicked her out. Some weeks after that, started rooting this other girl for a while, then went sex nuts for a few years.

Sorted myself out, thought I needed someone different, enter second wife. Met her, got deployed and changed over deployment with her, so back to back for us. Got married, two lovely boys later, full-blown PTSD developed, diagnosed severe, help wasn't working, I just couldn't take all that was going on in the relationship. Her, kids, my oldest son being a dick... separated. Met my now wife after all this, PTSD was still there. Totally love her, still 11 years on, some bumps and stuff along the way, but even with PTSD this entire time, it actually hurts me to think about us not being together.

That never existed in prior relationships. PTSD is not an excuse, we know what we're doing. PTSD, if anything, brings things to the surface and sufferers tend to action them. The actions are not built on foundations of nothing... more that you just didn't know about their repressed feelings and thoughts. PTSD kind of smacks a sufferer in the face with this type of stuff constantly, so we can't ignore things... they cause us to not function. We have to process things, remove things from our lives we don't want there, to help sort our brains out.

Just food for thought. Her PTSD is not an excuse, and it is not the reason she jumped ship. She moved on because PTSD is smacking her in the face constantly with her feelings and thoughts, and that means she wanted out, more than likely, and just didn't accept it at the time.

 

[Chunderboy]

My wife's had many traumas in her life but most recent was a year ago her dad was murdered. She was "f...

Spaceboy,

Its really hard for men in your boat and the odds are tilled against you. Hi, my name is Chunderboy, my wife has PTSD, and it been 20 years now. I have only one message. "There is nothing you can do." In her sub conciseness, you are the problem, the trigger, the danger, and the predator. When the trauma accrued, it, for lack of a better analogy, "scared her brain stem" in a way that continuously sends a stress single to her brain. Think tinnitus, that ringing in your ear after a concert but never goes away. After awhile the ringing stops but if you're quit, you can hear it again. The more you listen, the louder it gets. PTSD is that way too. The survivors brain tries to stop the sensory input and uses up all mental capacity to do so. Her trauma was most likely caused by men she trusted. Not by men she did not know. You are man she trusts and knows. You fall in to the danger category because only trusted men violated her person. The more she trusts you the more triggered she gets. If she puts you (the predator) away, she actually believes she just saved her live. Now add to that, that you are now learning that your wife is not the person you thought she was. And to top it off, you are in serious risk of mental issues too. The madness will get unreal if it already has not. When will the madness stop? When she looks in the mirror and kills that bitch looking back at her, takes responsibility for her actions, and frankly "Owns her shit!" As for you, you need to drawn lines in the sand and chop off toes when they are crossed. No apologies. Value yourself and think about this. If she wants to send your ass down the road... Thank her for showing you who she really is. "The bitch that sees no value in you as a person."

 

[watundah]

One thing my therapist always liked to ask when I tried to dismiss being abused was, what would I say to someone I know who was going through xyz? I doubt you would advise your best friend to stay in such a relationship.