The need to make everything ok

[EveHarrington]

Just wondering if anyone else struggles with this.

I oftentimes feel the need to make everything ok when there is something wrong between myself and someone else.

I will make nice and apologize even if I didn't do anything wrong just because I hate the tension.

I'm up against this right now, but I'm not about to apologize because I have this thing called self respect and in this instance, apologizing would make me feel completely worthless (based on what happened, what the other person did to me).

However, I still have this darn urge to just make everything ok. (It doesn't help that there are a few people who think I'm in the wrong, even though most who know are supportive of me.)

Do others struggle with this? If so, how do you stand your ground and not cave in when you feel the need to "make nice" just so the bad feelings go away?

I wrestle with this in my head, telling myself that I'm just being stubborn and holding a grudge. Deep down I know that it's not about being stubborn, it's not about holding a grudge. I just want an apology, dammit, and if the other person cannot apologize for what they did, I just need to walk away. I cannot let this person hurt me again. I deserve to be treated with respect and if they can't simply apologize, I don't need them in my life.

 

[asadafagahajakal]

Sometimes, just sometimes, you have to walk away and be like "fk this guy, he can sort his own sht out." I should be doing that more than I do, but I get what you mean. We hate being on someone's bad side.

you just go on with your life and respect yourself. Good things will follow.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I gave up one of my contracted jobs to avoid possibly getting fired or reprimanded for who knows what. Possibly, being friends with the woman he sexually harassed and pushed out last year. Possibly the assistant exaggerated the three times I was late last year due to extremely unpredictable road construction. Maybe because I dared to ask for a raise in the spring. I just wasn't willing to drive 30 minutes to be alone with this mysoginist. I just don't have any fight in me, and as my friend pointed out, why would you want to be in a job you had to fight to keep?

 

[Rani G2]

I oftentimes feel the need to make everything ok

Eve, I know this very well. Why? I would say that, by making a situation less threatful we might (At least I do) survive (sleep) better. Knowing nothing harmful will come out of it. It has an controlling aspect as well.

One wants to conciliate, because by calming it down you dont have to deal with painful feelings.

If so, how do you stand your ground and not cave in when you feel the need to "make nice" just so the bad feelings go away?

The bad feelings as you say, will probably only go away when you find their source, unfortunately I am definitely not successful in this, but if I dont face them they just linger somewhere in the underground, just to come into my consciousness next time I face such a situation.

I deserve to be treated with respect and if they can't simply apologize, I don't need them in my life.

Your selfworth/dignity is always there, its not something you need to earn (I have to remind myself to never forget), its not someone else can take away or reduce. Emotions need to be taken care of, looked at, finding different perspectives. Still doing still trying..... its hard Eve....

 

[Fadeaway]

Oh Gawd YES. I have actually been this way since I was a little child. I have never figured out the solution. As a child i thought it was a personality flaw. Now I think it has to do with being raised by my narcissist grandmother. I am going to be watching this thread closely.

 

[Ivi]

This has been a huge problem for me. My partner is forever having a go at me for what he calls being self sacrificial. I'd rather do anything that makes other people happy than myself.
In my case I think it's an entirely self worth related thing. I feel like I'm not worth the time and effort it would take to make myself happy and would rather put that into other people.

 

[Justmehere]

Most people can easily identify fight or flight responses. There's also "freeze" - dissociation - and what you might be describing, "fawn." Fawning is like appeasement, to make everything ok. It can look like codependency, making someone else ok so I'm ok, or just generally feeling a strong urge to make things ok at great cost. The more compulsive the urge feels the more likely it might be this fawning type of trauma response.

In this situation, perhaps there is another path for relationship repair other than asking for forgiveness for something you don't think was wrong - but even this goes better of one person isn't fighting a huge pull to make it all ok at great cost.

What to do about it? Same kinds of things that help mange the other trauma responses. Grounding, mindfulness, connecting to safety, distress tolerance skills, challenging cognitive distortions, journaling, community connections, processing old trauma where making things ok was nessecary for survival, etc.

 

[Tinyflame]

Idk @EveHarrington I agree with @Justmehere . I also think some of us are pre-wired to try to restore balance, peace, harmony. Or we seek it out. But like anyone, we can also treat our own selves poorly.

I think it also needs to include your own decisions. What degree of communication/ honesty/ trust is there in the relationship? Very hard question with trust issues, and I think many trust issues come from fear (founded on the past).

:hug:

 

[Friday]

Is that making everything okay, though? Or is it just avoiding feeling something you don't want to by any means necessary?

Seems like that would be hell on relationships, if you're lying to someone to get what you want in the short term? The long term is going to suck because they're working off misinformation. The two of you don't ever actually square shit between you, or see if it can be. The more it happens, the more imbalance is created.

You don't want to feel tension, so you lie.
You don't want to feel worthless, so you leave.

What about what you do want? Maybe it's worth a little bit of tension?

 

[dulcia]

distress tolerance skills

I've never heard this term before. Could you elaborate?

 

[Justmehere]

This actually explains it better than I can: Distress Tolerance

 

[dulcia]

Awesome thanks, @Justmehere.