Sexual Assault Forcing myself to want sexual act, and the feeling of arousal.

[Aideun32]

I was sexually abused as a child, and i was introduced to pornography with a perception of my own sexuality as an enigma, i sought out erotic feelings in attempt "get over" an insecurity. When i was very young i had struggled with reoccurring washes of a feeling of violation and a sensation that feels similar to touch all over my private areas such as anus and penis. I felt these things with a strong sense of fear and panic. In order to "deal" with the panic i felt i told myself i have to Man up and "bolster" my sexuality by finding things that i sought to be inappropriate or too sexual. I thought of panties and diapers as two objects that i was not supposed to have contact with so i kept reassuring myself that i liked these things and it was my duty to myself to look at these things and gain an aroused response, like an erection followed by an orgasm. I told myself This was normal to a zealous degree and ended up feeling so much shame for something i did not enjoy, I than worried that my sexuality was dried up and i would have to keep becoming a person who enjoyed "sex' or rather my perception of what sex is depicted as. Masturbation became a way of flagellating myself to the thoughts that i thought a "Sexed up person" would have. I than thought myself a pervert and a freak because i told myself, i should like more depraved things if i want to "Be ok expressing myself sexually". I ended up pressuring myself to believe that i liked intrusive and malevolent sexual encounters.

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you in therapy?

 

[Aideun32]

Are you in therapy?

I am

 

[Kintsugi]

It sounds like you haven't acted out any of these forcible fantasies with another person. Is the shame because you have a compulsion to punish yourself by forcing masturbation during violent/inappropriate fantasies? What is it you are trying to confront here, exactly?

 

[Aideun32]

It sounds like you haven't acted out any of these forcible fantasies with another person. Is the sh...

I am trying to confront the desire to tell myself i am ok with the abuse and that i liked it, when in fact i is extremely disturbing to me.

Yes that is where the shame comes from.

 

[Kintsugi]

Have you been able to spell out--to yourself or anyone else, out loud or on paper--how distrubing it really was? Have you dug into the hurt?

If you haven't, you know... I haven't fully engaged with it, either, but I think it would help you to scratch that surface: "I was a child, and this person/these people did this to me, and it hurt me, and I didn't deserve to be hurt like that."

 

[Aideun32]

Have you been able to spell out--to yourself or anyone else, out loud or on paper--how distrubing i...

Only started to really spell it out to someone once or twice, it came up in an investigation. I Started sobbing and weeping it hurts very much.