Wife of 37 yrs finally tells me she was sexually abused as a child.

[Phantom Shadow]

My loving wife has put up with me for our 37 years of marriage. Last fall in Sept she tells me that she was abused sexually as a child. Now I know why she has never liked sex. That she relived those times most if not all of our marriage. So she started treatment of her own with a T. She has PTSD just like me except my military. I told her that we would never have sex again until she was ready for it in a loving and non remembering way. But the problem is it has been 10 months now and I thought I could handle it for a long time. Well I am a man alright. I can't think of anything but sex. I have decided that I have to do something about it. Well the wife's T says that it will be at least two or more years before she will be at that point. I have searched for a month for something that will kill my libado that is reversable in less than a month or so. Well the pills for male castration all take 12 or months to reverse. The only thing I have found is Male to Female Hormone Replacement therapy. Talked it over with the doctor an wife An am still attempting to come to grips with it. I have my own PTSD an wonder if it might help with the temper part of it. I just don't know Any thoughts anyone or advise.

 

[Kintsugi]

Anecdotally, check out this radio episode about testosterone: 220: Testosterone

Otherwise... is masturbation just not cutting it?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Otherwise... is masturbation just not cutting it?

My thought exactly. I'm also thinking chemical castration and male to female hormones are a bit....drastic. Just my opinion though.

 

[Kintsugi]

^ Just a tad. I also think the T giving that kind of prognosis is odd. I never thought I'd make the progress I have in therapy (and moreso just in my life). But here we are.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

My husband was in the same boat as you, @Phantom Shadow . My husband found out only three years into our marriage. He had some tough decisions to make for his own health and sanity.

My therapist never gave him a timeline though as I had both C-PTSD and poly-fragmented DID. It was impossible to predict a timeline. It took eighteen years to become integrated! We had sex on and off during those eighteen years. I couldn't sleep in the same bed with my husband for the first five years after entering therapy. I was too triggered by his touch and movement. I'd wake up screaming and curling into a fetal position or jumping out of bed and running out of the room. Neither of us knew if our marriage would survive me going through therapy. My therapist and my husband's therapist told my husband that if I didn't work on my stuff that there wouldn't be a marriage.

Odd prognosis by your wife's T.

 

[barefoot]

Not sure how your wife's T is able to be so specific about how long it will be before your wife is able to sleep with you again.

As others have said, chemical castration and m2f hormone replacement therapy both seem like extreme solutions to be considering. Is solo sex not working for you at all? Relieving yourself sounds way more straightforward to me than looking for chemical ways to kill your libido, but I'm assuming it's not working for you?

 

[Deleted member 541]

I totally get what you are saying. Guys, love sex and they want it. I commend you for stepping up and giving your wife the time that she needs. As far as your own needs..... When we are told, or tell ourselves that we can't have something, it becomes our main focus. I think that you are becoming hyperfocused on not having sex, so it's all that you can now think about.

It may be time to talk to your wife, either with or without the therapist, and just explain how things are with you. You jumped the gun on telling her that she can have all the time in the world. That's a huge condition to put on yourself. Sex isn't everything in a relationship but it is part of it. There has to be some kind of middle ground here...

 

[Suzetig]

There are lots of ways to have sex, not all involve penetration and it's not necessarily the case that all sexual contact will be triggering for your wife. Your wife's T giving a timescale/prognosis doesn't sound right to me because therapy is far from a linear process.

Go back and talk to your wife, explore what in your sex life has been ok for her (I can guantantee something will have been ok), also think about what you're missing. Is it skin to skin contact, intimacy, ejaculation, her pleasure? There are ways to meet all of those needs that don't necessarily involve triggering sexual activity. I'd look at all of that before trying to chemically alter or manage my sex drive.

 

[Phantom Shadow]

Thanks to everyone. Masturbation just does not do it anymore. I can't get my mind off of it. I am OK some what at work because I am so busy but when at home or in a public place all I can think about it what it would be like to see every woman nude an be with them. I have never been that way much some yes but not like now. As stated above the not being able to do it for real has me totally screwed up. I plan ways to be with other woman an now I plan ways of raping some one in my mind only. I can't stand this that is not me. With my own PTSD and self esteem issues this is driving me to want to end it all. I have the med's ordered for MtF but Lupron is out. It is the only thing that I know to do. I have thought and thought until I am worn out and I am going to try it. Truly appreciate everyone's view point an thoughts on this.

 

[Butterflies2023]

Hormone replacement is an interesting thought. It would probably work but seems like a strange yet creative approach. Of course along with decrease libido you may get other secondary characteristics like bigger breasts and tenderness etc... at the same time if you have been married this long your wife may have a very low estrogen and decreasing her libido drastically. She might benefit (along with therapy) from estrogen cream (C-estrodial) - patches don't work. Yes I can understand your dilemma. Might you also consider intense physical exercise and also new hobbies together especially regular hiking - day hikes are terrific.

 

[Hooper]

PS,
I've been where you are. Not the 10 months of abstinence but the desire to remove my desire for my wife. I knew before we married she was raped at 13 by her boyfriend at the time. She disclosed it a few months in but it had no impact on our sex life. Like most it was very frequent the first year or 2, tapered to its' norm of 3-4 times a week, dropped to once a week when we had kids and my desire stayed pretty much the same. Sadly my preference is damn near daily. Once the kids were old enough to not hinder a more active sex life we discussed it after being rejected one of many nights. Oddly the rape was something we never discussed. One night after being rejected she correctly observed I wasn't happy and asked what was wrong. I told her "I want to have sex, you don't and I'm not going to be like the SOB that raped you." In my infinite wisdom I asked her what "exactly happened". I didn't handle it well and still don't to be honest. I remember thinking like you I just wish I didn't want to have sex and googled it. I forget the drug but it's what they give sex offenders when they leave prison that chemically castrates them. It also caused or had the potential for liver damage which required blood tests. I left my computer on and my wife saw it. She didn't think much of the idea and looking back it is ludicrous. We ended up just meeting in the middle and are on more or less of an every other day regime of 3-4 x's per week. I'm not a rapist and I'll be damned if I take something that could cause liver damage for what a rapist did. I and my wife accept me for who I am and we made a compromise.

For those of you who say "why not just masturbate?" it is simply not the same thing. For that matter neither is having sex with someone else. I want and need to have sex with my wife to maintain our bond. I can't speak for all men or women but I think their is a misconception that sex is just sex to all men. It's not. If it were someone else would suffice but that is not the case for me nor do I think it is for many others. I started to listen to the testosterone clip and it does add to the equation. It's obviously not always the case but I'd say a majority of the time men want sex more than women and hormones play a huge part. Either way I'd say the odds are over 90% of the time that partners have mismatched libidos and finding partners with the same sex drive is the exception to the rule. It is not the norm. Masturbation is like drinking a diet caffeine free coke vs a straight up coke. It has no soul. There is a lot missing. I'm not saying masturbation doesn't have its' place and I don't still do it but there is no substitute for sex with my wife. After 10 months I would be in the market for another therapist or at least a 2nd opinion if you're being asked to take sex off of the table for another 2 to 3 years. The only good thing to come out of this recent revelation is you now know you're not the reason she does not enjoy sex. I doubt your marriage has lasted 37 years without the ability to compromise, communicate and accept each other for who you are. Do what you will but I'd work on accepting where you landed in the range of what is normal as far as sex drives go before I'd ever choke down a pill for what some sick bastard did to your wife when she was a child. I wish you and your wife well. Best of luck to both of you.
hooper

 

[Phantom Shadow]

PS,
I've been where you are. Not the 10 months of abstinence but the desire to remove my desire...

Thanks for the reply and understanding of the true real problem. As you stated Masturating ain't the same. I have started the drugs. They are not doing anything as of yet. I also feel as you do that sex with another lady will not do. Thanks.