Relationship Push pull from a combat vet with ptsd

[RottieMama]

Hi folks, new here on the site and would love some advice. I met a man with combat PTSD and TBI a year ago through work however, due to work we could not really engage. We had no contact and I had no idea whatever happened to him. A year later I get a message on a dating website from him saying hello. Funny how we met again. He was out of the country at the time so we exchanged some messages and that was it. In May he contacted me and asked to take me out on a date. Needless to say we hit it off. He openly said he has combat PTSD and TBI. He served in the USMC for 10 years and then did contracting. He essentially spent almost 10 years in Iraq & Afghanistan. He got blown up 9x. He actually took 18 months off work and just did mountain biking and lived out of his car. He returned to work about a year ago (when we met initially). Anyhow, back to us and the 1st date. It's been 6 weeks since that first date and it's been a roller coaster. Within 2 weeks he told me he loved me and was ready to have a baby with me. I wanted to wait to be intimate with him but by doing so he then became paranoid almost because he thought I must be getting it from someone else. He has broken up with me 4 times. I am the founder of a huge charity event that honors 9/11 victims, emergency personnel & military and he has just bashed it up and down, but then he went with me to NY to do event planning and even signed up to be involved in the event. I compete in cross fit and he says that it's crazy because real competition is war. He says I'm incredibly difficult but then he'll say the sweetest things and talk about a future with me. I have done everything to show him and tell him he is the only man in my life. Like the 5 love languages I have shown all to him. I even asked how best can I love and care for him and asked him to tell me how best to be in various situations. I told him I can't just have him keep walking out. Well, we last spoke 3 days ago and he just ended the conversation saying we are just not compatible and that it was over (again). I tried texting him and told him I was willing to be there through anything but no response. I feel like I'm crazy because I've never had a relationship start this way and I've never experienced such a roller coaster. I care for him quite a bit and don't want to give up but honestly have no experience with PTSD. Do I walk away or continue to fight for him??

 

[Beans]

I'd personally walk away. That push pull behavior can be crazy making. I'm a sufferer and I exhibit that push pull behavior, btw. If it was a long term relat filled with love and history, I'd recommend counseling. But right now, your relationship is very young and as they say, you can't expect someone to change. Are you ok with it being just the way it is for, lets say, the next year, the next 5, 10? Most trauma does not spontaneously resolve without help and concerted effort. Unless he's in therapy and working very, very hard to stabilize, I would not stay.

It's not that ptsd sufferers aren't worthy of love or the effort or anything like that, it's just that, in my opinion, to have anything even somewhat healthy, we have to be in therapy or working hard on recovery already and somewhat stabilized.The way you describe the start of this very young relationship shows, again in my opinion, he's not in a place to have a relationship at the moment. The push pull, breaking up now 5 times in 6 weeks, the early love declaration, rushed plans for the future, calling you difficult, disparaging something you care about, accusing you of cheating for wanting to wait to be intimate(!!!)- this is not a person who is stable right now. I know it may feel bad leaving someone who obvs really needs help, but in the same vein, you have to practice self care and preservation. You are not his caretaker. I'd only recommend fighting for someone if they are fighting 3 times as hard for themselves in therapy and recovery work.

 

[Beans]

I wanted to add even if he's in therapy currently, his behavior shows he's not ready for a relationship right now. Maybe 6 months down or a year further along in therapy he'd be in a better place. But right now, it looks like you're signing up for suffering.

Hope I haven't offended anyone by the way. This is just my honest opinion as a sufferer. I was not ready for a relationship a few months ago or even now, but with how much trauma work I've been putting in, I'm sure in a few more months (with my therapist and support system in place) I'll be more than ready to have a healthy-ish relat lol. We do get better, it just takes time, effort and a ton of self kindness and compassion.

 

[RottieMama]

Thank you for taking the time to write and give your opinion. You certainly haven't offended me. I appreciate your words and wisdom. He is not in therapy or on medication. In fact, though he openly admits he has PTSD and TBI, he doesn't say much more than that about it. It seems as though he doesn't attribute his behaviors to that, rather he attributes it all me to me. I'm the problem so he says. 9 months ago he had a friend's son commit suicide... the son was a Marine and home on leave... I know this impacted him greatly because he often speaks of the son... and just brought it up as the 9 month anniversary came and went... he told me that when he was at the funeral he told his friend it should've been him...

 

[Beans]

Well the fact that he's intent on blaming you for his behavior rather than taking personal responsibility and getting help... does not bode well at all. Think about it. This is the first 6 weeks and he's not in therapy and he's blaming you- it can only go downhill from here. Remember that you matter and deserve to be treated well, with care and with kindness. Would you want your daughter or anyone you cared about beginning a relationship like this? You're not anyone's savior. Only he can get the help he needs. Best of luck to you no matter what you choose. :)

 

[Justmehere]

Walk away. Respect the boundary he has set and walk away.

 

[dulcia]

My combat vet uses the "not compatible" line too, when he's mad. I don't feel comfortable advising you either way in regards to walking away or not, just know that it is a very real possibility that things with him will still be the exact same way they are now 5, 10, 15 years down the road.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Consider this... this is the "honeymoon phase". What are things going to be like when you settle into the real relationship?

 

[RottieMama]

So an update.... he finally responded via text... he says he's struggling to feel the way he has been telling me... he said he agrees that this could be a communication issue... he offered to get together Sunday....then I just logged intoo the dating site we met on... he apparently has been active there within the last three days. We both went off the dating site pretty much immediately when we met. Do I call him out on this? Do I meet up with him on Sunday? Do I walk away or stand strong through this? Geez I feel like a crazy person....

 

[dulcia]

Did you guys have a discussion about getting off the dating site? Sounds like 3 days ago he told you he was done, so isn't it reasonable that he has been on the dating site since then? Doesn't seem fair to call him out on anything then, IMO. It sounds like maybe you need to decide how YOU feel and what YOU want in a relationship, both now and in the future. This is a new relationship, right? 6 weeks? And already all of this confusion and back and forth? I don't see how you can have a conversation with him on Sunday about potentially continuing a relationship if you're not even sure if that's what you want.

 

[dulcia]

Also "finally responded" makes me wonder how much you have been reaching out to him since he said it was over. PTSD can make every day life more stressful than we can imagine (especially when untreated), so much so that unwanted texts or repeated attempts at communication can quickly become too much too handle.

 

[RottieMama]

He was the one to initiate the conversation of getting off the site... which he did about a week after we met... yes, he said it was over 3 days ago... I merely sent a text this morning (before I found this forum) telling him I cared about him and didn't want to walk away... no other efforts to reach out to him were made on my part over the last 3 days... guess I'm just struggling with how quickly he wanted things... I mean telling me I love you after 2 weeks... insisting on meeting my family... telling me he would love to move in and be together every day... guess I don't get then how quickly he has pulled away... the last thing I want to do however is to create any more stress or difficulty for him... so if my reaching out is too much then I'll let him come to me if that's what he chooses... it's just hard... maybe I'm silly for thinking we were brought back together for some reason... ya see, when we met a year ago neither of us could cross any lines and we had to keep things professional... we did chat about my 9/11 charity event and on a piece of scratch paper I wrote out the website address... then that was it.... no contact because we couldn't.... then he randomly finds me on the online dating site... and somehow, despite a year of moving several times and being overseas, he still has that damn scratch paper with the website... probably foolish of me to think any more into all of the coincidences... I hear you loud and clear tiredtexan... just feeling hurt, disappointed, helpless... but I hear ya... I do...