Last session was tough

[Deleted member 42783]

I just don't know how you guys do it. I don't think I can continue therapy. After last night I just want to curl up for a week and be left alone. We went down an avenue I wasn't prepared for. Lots of dissociation and intrusive images. I can't ever cry or get angry and nothing ever hits me till hours later.
I have no contact with my t between weekly sessions and I have no one to help me with the dissociation or the emotions I'm not feeling. All I feel is overwhelmed with a knot in my gut. Can't sleep but I have to drag myself to work. Am I doing therapy wrong? Am I too attached to my T? I just want some kind of comfort and peace.

 

[anonymous]

No and no, but if you're trying to work and process major trauma that's challenging and you need to maybe slow down, but work on it more frequently in baby steps.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

Working through trauma is tough and I'm the same way, the emotions usually do not hit me until later. I also don't have contact with my T in between sessions. I would go as slow as need be so it doesn't become too overwhelming. I journal in between T but for some reason writing down my thoughts usually make me have high emotions a few days later so, I have learned I have to limit journaling to no more than 2-3 times a week so, I don't get so flooded with emotions. My emotions got so overwhelming to where my t recommended an antidepressant while processing this trauma and it does help a lot! Don't be nervous/insecure about looking into that if need be down the road. In the mean time different breathing exercises or physical activity can help in times of stress. Try to think of things to keep you busy. Hope things are going better for you!

 

[joeylittle]

Can't sleep but I have to drag myself to work. Am I doing therapy wrong?

Can you lighten your time/responsibilities at work?

Sometimes, it's not so much a question of 'doing it wrong', it's just understanding that the first chunk of it really can be equivalent to being laid up after surgery. You can't manage much more except do the thing that's about working through the recovery process, and sleep, and eat. That can be callenging enough. Then, it starts to become more manageable as your mind and body get better at managing and the stress of the traumatic memory itself decreases, and you can start to re-introduce yourself to the world again.

if that's not possible, I'd say you need to step back to some basics with your T around distress tolerance, emotional regulation, CBT, grounding. Try and get as healthy, mentally, in the here-and-now as you can. The go back and start unpacking the past.

 

[NewBeginnings]

All I feel is overwhelmed with a knot in my gut. Can't sleep but I have to drag myself to work. Am I doing therapy wrong? Am I too attached to my T? I just want some kind of comfort and peace.

I have had a very similar experience and questioning. Lately, I don't seem to be over the top overwhelmed. For me my job was one place that I could be "healthy". I have done a really good job of compartmentalizing. Even though I struggled to get through work because of my mind- I appreciated the co-worker support of me for me as an jndividual (no one at work has any idea of my struggles)

 

[NewBeginnings]

I have to limit journaling to no more than 2-3 times a week so, I don't get so flooded with emotions. My emotions got so overwhelming to where my t recommended an antidepressant while processing this trauma and it does help a lot!

I too had to cut back in how much I journaled because I really struggled with functioning at work.

I guess I am understanding more and more. My T also recommended an antidepressant - I resisted for a good 6 months which may not seem like long but for me it was huge (at that point in T I was hardly sleeping - approx 1.5 hours a night for months, minimal appetite, hyper hyper alert, etc - while working and having my 3 sons and husband at home with no idea what was going on for me). The journey is really tough and I question if I have the strength on many days BUT I am in such a better place in many ways that I know this is the right direction for me.

Good Luck and bring up your challenges with your T- I have heard many times "this is at your pace", " maybe your brain is not ready to recognize XX - it is ok" - hopefully your T can help you pace it out and give you tools for those extra challenging times.

 

[Deleted member 42783]

Thank you for the responses guys. I'm taking them all in.

I have had a very similar experience and questioning. Lately, I don't seem to be over the top overwhelmed. For me my job was one place that I could be "healthy". I have done a really good job of compartmentalizing

Actually, work is usually the one place that I can be pretty normal. My current position is low pressure (not likely to kill anyone). Its just that I can't do it well when I'm not sleeping. I'm more likely to make errors (which I guess could kill someone) and my nerves are shot from all the random outbursts from the patients and constant demands.

Ok, getting back to my original topic. My session this week was not actually focused on doing any trauma work. We were just conversing and it took a bad turn about 15 minutes in and it was all over from there. My T is not really a trauma T. He did a good job of sticking with me and making sure I was okay before I left but I don't think either one of us was very happy with how things turned out. One thing I remember thinking is that I would give anything for him to just reach over and put a hand on my shoulder or touch my hand or something. I guess that I really have a tough time being comforted or coming around without physical contact.

Anyway, I slept till one today (sorry kids, thanks xanax) and am doing better. I can't take anymore unscheduled days off work without consequences so I have to muddle through when things go bad.

 

[Deleted member 42783]

Just got off the phone with T. I just feel worse now. Shouldn't have called him. I lose my ability to talk like a normal adult when I talk to him. Thoughts scatter and it just becomes a lot of "ummmms" and pauses. I Hate that my ability to communicate goes out the door with him. It's humiliating.
I said I was scared of coming back next week and the first thing he said was "do you want me to transfer you to another therapist?". :(
Hard to know how to feel about that. I asked him if stuff that happens like our last session is too much for him and he didn't say yes but he didn't say no.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Just got off the phone with T. I just feel worse now. Shouldn't have called him. I lose my ability t...

Ugh! I feel for you, I really do. That's icky. If you can, try not to read into it. Try to think of everything they say as factual and don't attach any opinion onto it on their part if you can. I struggle with this so much. And seriously, I know embarrassment, too! I've quit therapy via email, then sent a really vulnerable email followed by one begging to come back. Like 4 or 5 times!!!!! So humiliating.... We will feel like fools there. If you can accept that it will help.

 

[ladee]

If your T isn't a Trauma T, you might ask again if it's too much for him. That doesn't mean you are the problem, it means he isn't qualified... and and they can do more damage than good... it's ok to come home and fall apart.. this is hard work... and why do you feel the last session turned into something that upset you so? You don't have to share details... so one thing at a time... talking with your T would be the first step before you uncover more and then have to start again with someone else... many T's have to let us be the 'teachers' of what we can handle, how long and when.... Hope things work out for you.... and if you stay with him, maybe you can also tell him you would like to be touched... not all T's will do this or feel comfortable with it... if mine had touched me in comfort I would have shot out of there like a rocket.... so let him know this is a need and give him the opportunity to see if can do this.... they are human.... just with alphabet soup behind their names...

 

[Deleted member 42783]

I'm really bad at typing on my phone and I can't quote so bear with me. T and I were just discussing some basic cognitive distortion stuff when the episode happened. We weren't doing trauma processing. I'm scares something like that will happen again. On the phone he said we will work on more techniques for calming down and mindfullness. Can't help but feel like he wants to pass me along though. Trying not to go there. Part of me gets it. Part of me feels like I'm a burden.

 

[amosmorris]

Your T needs to be up to the challenge, @valkeasisu --and whether or not he is is not your fault. This is hard work and it requires, at least it has for me, lots of adjusting and figuring out between us and our Ts...I have stuck with my T, who has trauma exp and interest but who def does not work exclusively in this area, because she has worked so hard to figure out how to be responsive and I do feel her devotion and care, but I have also at times been unable to articulate what I needed and that has probably caused me more pain, even though she didn't intend it...that, combined with when I could articulate more of what I needed (in my case for ex I needed her to be more open about herself, total blank slate was sending me into sheer panic, so I could feel safer) it has taken time--she needed to figure out how to do it on her terms/in a way that made sense to her...all this is hard hard hard. There have been times where I've literally shouted at her "You are scaring me!"....what a crazy brain trip. Best you can do is bring it to them, see what is possible, try to honor your own limits--there's a line where more harm than good is happening (trauma therapy hurts as a matter of course but...) and you need to choose you at that point. Sending you healing.