How can abuse survivors heal/find peace when society blames them?

[Otul]

I thought I was reaching a point in my life where I wouldn't feel as upset or triggered by any mention of abuse, but after recently reading an article, and studies, about sexual abuse and assault, I suddenly found myself feeling triggered (angry and frustrated, at first, then, after reading more articles about how corporal punishment is still legal in the U.S. and how something like 80% of Americans think it's okay and reading others' comments in the article saying that they were whipped and don't think there's anything wrong with children being punished that way, I couldn't stop myself from feeling upset and crying, remembering my own abuse and how helpless, alone, misunderstood, and then, angry I felt being abused because there were many times where I knew I didn't deserve it and do anything wrong.)

As a teen, I thought of suicide several times because I was frustrated and wanted to stop being abused.

How are abuse survivors supposed to heal and find peace when society continues to blame them and say that children deserved to be hit/whipped? Since most Americans and the law feels this way, it feels as though I can't ever heal or trust anyone.

 

[Uloho]

Most Americans feel this way?

Are you sure?

Who wrote this article?

Anybody can write an article and cite false statistics.

Did the article say "beating the shit out of your kid is ok" or did it say "a quick swat to the behind when the kid does something potentially dangerous in order to get the message across is ok". Both are "corporal punishment" but one is abuse, the other is not IMHO.

 

[Otul]

Yes, it's been a part of U.S. and worldwide "history."

I've been reading about it for years because I wanted to understand why parents would do these things to their children when they themselves grew up being hit and because I was shocked at being told it was legal, by a police officer, when I was a teen, (trying to let him know about the abuse). He mentioned his father hit him, too, (in a "So, who cares you're being hit? You deserve it," attitude), and said that corporal punishment is legal.
The studies and links I wanted to show as proof, (but can't because this website doesn't allow it) show that it's especially more common and acceptable to people in the Southern U.S., than in other parts of the country, and that a Texas school district just voted recently to start allowing children to be hit with a paddle when they misbehave.

It's scary and upsetting to read all of these articles and studies, over and over, saying that most people believe it's okay to hit children, even those who haven't done anything wrong, and has caused me to lose my faith in other people (i.e. police officer assumed I did something wrong to deserve it). I don't think I can stand to read these articles, anymore: it's just a constant, "You deserved it, you deserved it, you deserved it," when no one knew what was going on.

I really appreciate the countries who've outlawed it.

 

[Otul]

I forgot to mention that my question also included sexual abuse survivors and wasn't only about physical abuse survivors, because I've also read their stories of the police ignoring their abuse, as well.

It bothers me a lot when there's a large percentage of a population who lacks empathy for other humans and doesn't care about how they feel when they're abused, even blaming the survivors.

 

[Gugap]

I think you must be new here as the website does allow links, but new people can't post links.

I'm a bit shy about getting into this discussion based on what you say these links say as opposed to reading it for myself and knowing its factual news.

 

[Utac]

Wiki does support the claim about the 80% thing... and has a really solid entry about "Corporal Punishment in the Home". Some of our most rigid rules are simply cultural norms, however as with any other societal or cultural norm... they are not fixed and can and do change. I do think though that progress is being made in this area and I don't though think it a fair assessment that the US is the stand out globally for this topic:

"According to a 2014 estimate by the organization Human Rights Watch, "Ninety percent of the world’s children live in countries where corporal punishment and other physical violence against children is still legal".[66] Many countries' laws provide for a defence of "reasonable chastisement" against charges of assault and other crimes for parents using corporal punishment. The defence is ultimately derived from English law.[67] As of July 2016[update], corporal punishment of children by parents (or other adults) is banned in 49 countries (see adjacent table)[56] The number of countries banning all forms of corporal punishment against children has grown significantly since the 1989 adoption of the Convention on the Rights of the Child, when only four countries had such bans.[66] Elizabeth Gershoff writes that as of 2008[update], most of these bans are written into various countries' civil codes, rather than their criminal codes; they largely do not make a special crime of striking a child, but instead establish that assaults against persons of all ages are to be treated similarly. According to Gershoff, the intent of such bans on corporal punishment is not typically to prosecute parents, but to set a higher social standard for caregiving of children.[3]"

"According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, "Corporal punishment involves the application of some form of physical pain in response to undesirable behavior", and "ranges from slapping the hand of a child about to touch a hot stove to identifiable child abuse, such as beatings, scaldings, and burnings. Because of this range in the form and severity of punishment, its use as a discipline strategy is controversial. The term "corporal punishment" is often used interchangeably with "physical punishment" or "physical discipline".

Link: Corporal punishment in the home - Wikipedia
Just for kicks, because there's been a fairly recent interest in "global child rearing", NPR even did a segment on it, but I couldn't find that link so here's this one instead.
Child-Rearing Practices in Different Cultures

 

[Wofo]

P.S. I think the cognitive distortion (cuz I didn't finish my thought) would be about "society blaming the victim"???

 

[Wofo]

P.S.S. Perhaps the remedy to your situation is participating in groups who seek to educate and challenge the acceptance of corporal punishment in the home rather than allow the "it feels as though I can't ever heal or trust anyone" to fester? Taking up a commitment and endeavoring to do something that is important is far and away better than sitting and spinning on the "How do I/it's gonna be hard to heal and find peace as an abuse in a society that continues to accept corporal punishment in the home as lawful and acceptable".... note the rewording on that last bit? That's really what it is, right? It's gonna be hard, but the victim mentality is gonna tell you it's futile and not even to try.

I don't know how old you are, but I do know that impotent frustration, anger, fear is corrosive and that it affects not only your attitudes about yourself, but all who are gonna come into contact with you. HOW? Read up on articles about post traumatic growth.

 

[Fikek]

"It feels as though I can't ever heal or trust anyone" is actually a thought, not a feeling. It is based on the belief that other people can determine whether or not you heal when in fact, healing is a choice that you can make regardless of what others choose to do or not do. Just some food for thought.

 

[Wofo]

Then refute the thought with fact based evidence. Education and knowledge are good tools to challenge thoughts like those. Perception is 9/10ths of reality... maybe you'd be well off to challenge the core belief that is setting you up for a very diminished life. You've already been a victim of abuse... why quibble (thought/feeling) when you can get on with healing and recovery and have a more beneficial life?

 

[Pugafad]

Since most Americans and the law feels this way, it feels as though I can't ever heal or trust anyone.

There's really only 2 ways to teach children empathy: physical or emotional pain.

Most of the time neither of those even enter the same universe as abuse. So whether people are talking causing their children physical pain (spanking, for example), or emotional pain (guilt&shame, usually) they're not talking about abuse. At all. A 3 finger swat on the bum is not beating/whipping/burning/choking/etc. Nor is sad/shocked/disappointed face with "No! That hurts mommy! We do not pull hair! We need to be gentle with our touch." The same thing as "You worthless piece of shit! I wish you were never born!"

Punishment & discipline are as different from abuse as rape is from sex. The words might be the same, the mechanics might be the same, the actual act itself (and the consequences resulting from the act) couldn't be more different.

 

[Ajec]

Since most Americans and the law feels this way, it feels as though I can't ever heal or trust anyone.

By finding a group of people who are like minded and working with them to effect change.

Alienation by way of using the words 'everyone', 'always', 'never' doesn't help people with PTSD. Finding people who help advocate for change is by far a healthier path towards healing.