Acceptance or Defeat? You decide.

[cdunny]

I have found that when you finally accept whats going on around you, instead of hedlongingly fighting it, life all of the sudden gets a whole lot easier. This week I am sad to say I reached the point of no return. weeks of sleepless nights, crying spells, violent outburts, severe headaches, and unrelentless nausea hit boiling point the other day. After 2 days of uncontrolled crying, shake spells, lathargy, migraines and vomiting.... my brain shut down. It just shut down. It was the wildest, scariest thing. I couldnt talk. I couldnt sleep. I couldnt remember anything. I couldnt focus on anything. I felt as if My brain was dieing. It scared me to death. So like any surfer I went on the internet and typed in my symptoms. Well the first the to pop up was Dementia so I lost it. I thought I was going to die. I really did. It was over. my brain was shutting down and I would never get to see my little girl grow up. So I ran a bath and got in and jus started crying. So loud that my hubby woke up. This went on for over an hour till he got me out of the tub and into a heavy robe. Still on the coutch I cried and cried and cried and told him how sorry I was. Well with much support from him I settled down some. But I still felt I had to see a doctor. So we got the baby up and rushed to the hospital. When I got there I could barely tell the nurse my name and date of birth. when they asked for my phone number I took my shaky hand and wrote it down cause at the time I couldnt talk. I just stared into the wall with my teeth chatering. Soon a nice doctor came in and he asked me what was wrong. And I started crying, telling him I didnt know. I gave him all my symptoms and I told him I was afraid there was something seriously wrong with me and that I was going to die. Well, he looked me straight in the eye and said "YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DIE".... and he said it a few more times after that. and ever time he did I said "Im not going to die?" and he told me no. He said that I seemed to have some general anxiety and some depression. He gave me a shot of Adavan and sent me home with a prescription, telling me to follow up with my doctor. I slept so good that night. And I have been feeling so much more normal with the meds. I am calling the doctor monday for an apt. to see what he can do for me. The hubby and I took the baby to the wildlife refuge and took pictures. We hung out together and played. We went today and signed up for WIC (something I had refused to do out of pride). We cancelled the gym membership and cleared out the storage unit. We talked about going home, what kind of job he could take or I could take, about taking abigail on all kinds of trips together and about her spending time with the family. We stoped and got some ribs. We played and flirted. We watched TV. I have been so relaxed. I have been able to sleep like a baby. Im not woried about anything right now and Im happy about it. I dont care what people think of me. I dont care about the AF. I dont care about haveing a new car. I just care about my family being happy. It was like a ton of weight was taken off my shoulders. The best part is that all the physical symptoms are gone now and I can actually relax. I thought I was going to die 2 days ago... and now I cant wait to wake up in the morning and live a new day. Im so happy. I didnt want to give in and seek the help I needed. I just wanted to live and function normally, but now that my PTSD has pushed me to my breaking point, I realize that not seeking help was what was keeping me from being normal and happy. I dont care what people think. I just want to be happy. Success is relative. And right now, success for me is having a happy family. So I guess I didnt let it defeat me. In all actuallity Im thinking less about my trauma now then I was before. Im going to continue to get counseling and stay on the meds. Just thought Id share my experience with everyone. Thanks to you all for the support I have been given.

 

[piglet]

You are doing just great CD! Feel proud - what a huge step you have taken!:claps: :thumbs-up

 

[anthony]

CD, I must say.... bloody great job, even though you had to reach breaking point to discover what is truly important in life. We all get that way, we live, if we earn more money we spend more money, if we get less money we then get used to cutting back and living life of less money, we ignore our children if we get confused about success over family, and the list goes on. I know exactly what your talking about, because I broke, twice actually, at which point the second time a lot of things within my mind changed. It was like you described yourself, in that I had a different outlook on what was and was not important in life. I knew I needed to get myself better as fast as I could, I knew I needed to try and save more people from reaching the point I did, and from what you just went through yourself, but what you also just made me realise, is that sometimes we need to break to learn what is important, and what is not within life once again. For some reason when we reach breaking, and do break, things that are really quite insignificant come to true form, and people shine through as the more important part of life.

Well done... and thank you for posting this, because you made me also realise that sometimes we just need to break in order to get better. Hopefully more can avoid it, but some people just need it.

 

[Deleted member 93]

I think we all try to deny it and fight it until we breakdown. We sure as hell don't seek help or end up in ERs because we ae doing so well. I think you made a huge step. Congrats CD, I am so proud of you. You will hit rough spots on your journey but you have taken the first steps to starting it now and that is the important part and everyone will still be here with you long as you want.

 

[cookie]

i am so happy for you, cd!

 

[seeklife]

cdunny, You are in inspiration and you give hope! You are still trying;doing what you need to do. Keep your support close at your side. I hope each day keeps getting brighter and brighter for you...God Bless

 

[YoungAndAngry]

cdbunny, I'm so glad you've gotten yourself help!
You're absolutly right, what other people think doesn't matter, family/relationships are what should matter.

I'm sure the fact that you are taking control of your life is a huge relief, and good luck with that doctors appointment today :)

 

[Jaynea]

Hi Cd Bunny..What a story...What you went through...I had tears in my eyes as I read about your ordeal. Congrats on coming through the other side of it...Be well.

 

[goingonhope]

Cdunny, I have so much hope for you. You did what you needed to do. And, got through that experience then like a Champ. Though you may not have felt that way. You certainly strike me as a champ. God Bless!

 

[goingonhope]

Cdunny, it's me again. I glanced at my last post to see [Size =4] or such only to realize its probably because I cut and pasted. My PTSD or something slows down my ability to think straight. I often embarrass myself with difficulty even with speaking to others, I'm bright, but I think and understand very slowly sometimes, nowadays. When my PTSD symptoms are at there worst, I couldn't even begin to verbalize what's going on. I have this fear that before I'm done posting the site's going to time me out and send it the way it is. If you assure me this won't happen from now on I'll type right into the text message box. Thanks.

 

[cdunny]

No worries GH. You can take as long as you need. It wont time you out Im sure. Im sure you are very bright. My brother is extremely intelligent but is like you in that it takes him a bit to communicate effectively at times. Be it written or spoken, English to him has always come a little less easily than to others. Thank you for your coments and I would love to hear any more you may have. :wink:

 

[anthony]

My PTSD or something slows down my ability to think straight. I often embarrass myself with difficulty even with speaking to others, I'm bright, but I think and understand very slowly sometimes, nowadays.

Yep, thats PTSD hope. As you heal your anxiety, regain confidence, this corrects itself as your brain is no longer cluttered with anxiety.