The Beast Strikes Again

[The Hermit King]

I am sorry I don't come on here more first off everybody. I have been thinking that I basically had my shit together now a days but apparently I was living in a fantasy world. My girlfriend of three years broke it off last night. I guess this has been building up for months now and I didn't notice the severity of it. Maybe I shouldn't have made her start sleeping in a separate room three weeks back. I only did that because she gets off work so late and I was tired of being woke up. Anyway, I know a lot of us have heard the "roommates" thing before and I heard it last night, she said she feels sad and alone all the time and I am not affectionate towards her. She is one of those women that like to hover in front of your face kissing you and sucking up all your oxygen so I have a habit of pushing her away and not kissing very much. That was a huge deal to her because kissing is a big deal for her and it really hurt her feelings. She also says I am not close at all with her kids and I know its true. I don't have kids and never will, but I was never mean to them but that wasn't enough. Her family is always asking when they will get to meet me since I never go to any family functions and its been three years, they tell her that she made me up and I don't really exist. She has a big family and they are all very family oriented and I was going to finally go to the big Christmas get together thing but that is obviously not happening anymore. And then she says that all the other husbands/boyfriends come up and hang out at the bar/restaurant she works at and that people always ask about me up there and I never once have gone to see her at work. I have a huge wall up between me and the world. Thats when I started to get f*cking angry because she knows how anti-social I am and that is just not me. I know I wasn't affectionate enough but I ALWAYS took care of her, for three years she has not had to pay one single bill, I let her spend her money on whatever she wanted, she has no car and basically took mine over, I let her go out anytime with her friends, bought her everything she wanted or needed and I also spent a lot of money on her kids. I did all this because I love her and that was my way of showing it, she wanted for nothing but it wasn't enough. She is a very loving person and I am cold and distant. I cried last night like a little bitch and I cried some more this morning when I woke up at 4:30 am. The icing on the cake is she has no car and no money and can't move out for at least three months, all while still living here rent free and driving my vehicle. She has to try and get a car when she gets her student loan sometime next semester in January. And I really do love her so of course I will keep taking care of her until she no longer needs me. She told me she feels broken and numb inside. Right now my heart is broken and I cannot even remember the last time I felt pain like this. I feel like there is no need to ever try and be with someone else because this f*cking Beast pushes everyone away and I will be alone with it until the day I f*cking die. No woman is ever going to be able to stay with me. Its all great the first 2 or 3 years but then marriage talk comes up, or baby talk and I just shut down. The past year or so its been marriage talk every other day and I just don't want that. When we first got together she said she never wanted to get married either but i guess she was just telling me what I wanted to hear. Anyway I am sorry for this LONG ASS POST. If anyone read all this shit I pat you on the back. I am just hurting real bad right now and I don't know whats going to happen. Hopefully I can keep my shit together. I am going to go do a heavy bag workout right now to let some of this shit out. Later brothers.

 

[Zipperhead]

A pat on the back for me? Thanks!

Sorry to hear your troubles.

 

[Ned]

You cried. That's something. Recognise a lot of the rest of what you've said. You can't be something you're not. I think it might be an idea to let her read what you wrote, sometimes we say things better in print than yakking.

 

[JarHed]

A pat for me as well.

You know Chem, I read so many post here and many of us suffer from the same things. When you've got all these things inside of you that you can't get out, most others won't understand why you're the way you are.

I also see myself in others here. The same dynamic, isolated, alone, numb and all the rest. Don't be afraid to reach out for help, you can gain many of the aspects of life back again. Just a thread like this is a good thing. You don't have to feel like you'll be alone forever. Don't let the 'beast' win. Let me know how I can help.

Jar

 

[Need an Oasis]

I get a pat too.

I'm not sure what advice to give, but I can tell you that it's possible to find someone to spend your life with when you have PTSD. Jimmy just got married and so did I. And I did my best to sabotage my relationship every chance I got, except my husband didn't take no for answer and fought like a demon to keep me/get me back. He is my biggest champion, even when i have off days and treat him like shit. So people like that are out there, male and female.

Get help, and take care of yourself first, and the rest will follow in time.

 

[Jimmy1]

I still try and sabotage it, but she won't let that happen. No pat from me. I am sending Choppa Reid around.

 

[The Hermit King]

Kettlebells and this forum is better than Prozac. You are all appreciated so very much. Thank you.

 

[Raven]

She's still living with you because she's giving you a chance to come around, she's hoping you will. If she was truly done with you, she would make arrangements right away to get the f*ck out of your place. A human's capacity to love can be amazingly resilient. I've spent the past several years testing it in others.

 

[The Hermit King]

If only it were that simple. shes not waiting for me to come around, I already have tried everything to convince her to give us another shot, including starting some kind of counseling at the VA but she knows that I will never be that guy, the family man, the outgoing social guy, and I will never invite people over to the house like a normal person would. The fact is she is still here because she has nowhere else to go, she has no money and no car. For three years I have let her blow her money on whatever she wanted and I took care of all the bills and groceries and anything else we needed. She never had a need to try and get a vehicle because she had unlimited access to mine. Also her credit is shit and she can't even get a cellphone in her name. Her immediate family is either dead, deported back to the Philippines or hundreds of miles away. She has no friends that could put her up for any time. All she can do is stay here and wait for her student loan to come in January and save her money until then. The plan is to get some sort of vehicle and move into these cheap apartments that she found. I am fine with it, she is still all f*cked up about the whole thing because she says I am the perfect guy except for the fact that I am emotionally unavailable. She has been on me about getting married for over a year now and I guess she finally sees that I will always be like this. She says she loves me so much but she knows we are just not right for each other and I know that is the truth because I have kind of known it all along. I have a handle on every other symptom of CPTSD but the whole disconnection from people thing isn't going away. Three years with the same woman everyday and it took me a matter of days to get over it. There has to be something wrong with that. She isn't over it, far from it. She is hurting still but I don't know how to comfort her. I will continue to take care of her until she no longer needs me to do it. I was hurting so bad because I have always been with a woman, one relationship bled into another and I was never alone. This will be the first time I will see what its like to be single, I don't even want to deal with any women for awhile. I will just be my normal hermit self and train and read and play video games and watch movies and talk to my pets. I will be fine, I always am. Thank you again to all of you on here. When I first made this post I was definitely hurting and it really helped just kind of sharing that burden I guess. Anyway I hear my kettlebells calling me. I think I was Russian in a past life or some shit. Later comrades.

 

[Jimmy1]

Mate, I don't have any real answers buddy. Some people just can't hack it.

but she knows that I will never be that guy, the family man, the outgoing social guy, and I will never invite people over to the house like a normal person would. The fact is she is still here because she has nowhere else to go, she has no money and no car.

You will change with the right therapy and medication. You will invite people over. I invite people over and yes I want them to leave 5 minutes after they get there, but at least it's a start.

I was hurting so bad because I have always been with a woman, one relationship bled into another and I was never alone. This will be the first time I will see what its like to be single, I don't even want to deal with any women for awhile.

I was the same as you mate. I was never alone. Then I did a four year stint of just a million and one girlfriends, none living with me. It was great to just not go over or have someone over. I enjoyed the peace. Then I got lonely again.

Now I am married to a woman who married me and the beast.

 

[Anglesachse]

Now I am married to a woman who married me and the beast.

Ditto.

Same here Chem Cocker. She had no idea I had it but she still mariied me anyway. Knowing now days makes life easier for sure. But none the less the Beast is there.

Some are willing to go the rounds along side you, some aren`t. Either way there is not a lot you can do about it unfortunatly!

 

[SilentSapper]

Your post is me to a T. Freaky!!
Money does not buy happiness. I would do the same thing.
I can't give you any advise as I am currently struggling with the issues you posted.
Good luck man and take advantage of her not being able to move for 3 months, if you really do want to stay with her.
Writing is always easier than talking for me.
Get a notebook and write what your feeling or what's on your mind and let her read it. Don't let it be open for discussion, she reads it and that's it. But she will see, hey the guy I know is still in there. After you get more comfortable maybe read what you wrote to her. Then just try to progress.