Death In The Family; Lack Of Effect

[jackrabbit]

Had a death in the family last night--life-long friend of my mother's, someone I grew up always having around. Everyone around me is devastated, I'm a strange balance of numb and fearful. The only emotions it's triggering in me is anger that my mom's hurting and a general wariness that I'll be in the hot-seat soon enough; my mother, my wife, my brother, my sister. Gods help me, maybe even my nieces and nephews. They'll all go before me, if past is any indicator of the future.

It's so bizarre to be reminded that normal people feel sadness. All I've got is a dispassionate hole; if it doesn't make my life suck more it doesn't register, and if it does make life suck more it just makes me angry.

f*ck.

 

[reddevil1111]

I bet your stress levels are up as well. Easier to anger and all that. That is your grief I guess. I wish there was more to say than just a sorry for your loss. Empty words compared to the loss of life.

 

[JennyMac]

Well put red, well said. jack, so sorry for your loss and the frustration and confusion that comes with it.

 

[vikingr12]

Everybody must mourn. Read On Death and Dying by Kubler-Ross. If you can get through it. It takes 18 months minimum to go through the changes of a death of someone close to you.

The hole you have now will start to fill, don't worry. Hurt comes before anger. Man hug.....

 

[Chin Strapped]

I bet your stress levels are up as well. Easier to anger and all that. That is your grief I guess. I wish there was more to say than just a sorry for your loss. Empty words compared to the loss of life.

My grandfather died 3 months ago, it certainly added stress. My ptsd was more symptomatic full stop. Very true Red

 

[JarHed]

Hey Jack

It's been well said above. Wish I had the words that could help.

Jar

 

[jackrabbit]

Thanks for the support, gang.

I've posted before about this whole lack of sadness thing, and I was much happier 6-months ago when I didn't know it was a problem. Back then I would've just said I'm "better at dealing with this" than everyone else. Sure, it was tough, but I thought experience created a better machine.

Now I know it's a problem; that it's an abnormal condition created by my PTSD and it'll manifest in other, unpleasant ways. That fills me with frustration and dread.

Like everyone's said, it just adds to my stress.

More than anything, it's a reminder of how broken I am emotionally. And the fact that I'm sitting here thinking about that, rather than the loss of what is basically my Aunt, says a lot in-and-of itself.

It's got me running around in a circle; I can't feel sad because I'm angry, I'm angry because I can't feel sad...

*sigh*

And the worst part is the way it makes me want to spend time cradling my M4.
Gods, I miss time outside the wire--being shot at and getting to shoot back.
Focus, presence, purity. Simple, simple...

 

[Jimmy1]

Jack, stress as Red put it has a lot to do with not feeling the other emotions, but they are there underneath.

You have to find a way to grieve otherwise it will eat you up. My father died when I was at my worst and as I had just had some of my large bowel removed, I had staples everywhere and could not travel, so I never said good bye. His ashes were spread in the ocean so I will never be able to say good bye that way.

My therapist said you have to give yourself permission to grieve. I still struggle today.

As I said up top you feel it underneath, you do feel sad, but it has been drilled into you that there is a time and place. If you were serving and were given permission to go to your friends funeral it would be different.

Hope you understand. Go to her funeral, go somewhere quiet afterward where you are with someone you trust emotionally, and open the gate or at least try.

 

[jackrabbit]

I know you're right, Jimmy. I just don't know how to access it.

I went to the funeral. Tried talking to my wife. Tried talking to a friend last night. I just get angry.

The friend had never seen me angry. I just stood there, with my fists clenched and my chest tight, breathing in and out through my lower-diaphram in fight mode. She asked me very gently and quietly to sit down. Scared the crap out of her.

I know all this stuff is true; channeling to anger is permissible, other emotions are not. But I don't know how to issue new orders, as it were. Every time I try and feel anything else I freak the f*ck out, feel vulnerable, and that makes me angry.

I guess sorting this out is the same way you get to Carnege Hall; practice, practice, practice. But I don't have a good road-map and the trip sucks.

 

[Fargo1]

Jack,

Remember the Five Stages of Grief as described to me during my therapy...

Denial: this helps us survive the loss. In this stage we are in a state of shock and denial. We go numb. It is nature's way of letting in only as much as we can handle.

Anger: is a necessary stage of the healing process. Be willing to feel your anger, even though it may seem endless. There are many other emotions under the anger and you will get to them in time. But anger is the emotion we are most used to managing. Underneath the anger is pain. Your pain.

Bargaining: Before the loss, you would have done anything if only the departed would be spared. After a loss, bargaining may take the form of a temporary truce.

Depression: After bargaining, our attention moves into the present. You will have empty feelings, grief enters your life on a deeper level, deeper than you ever imagined. This depressive stage feels as though it will last forever. But it's important to understand that this depressive state is not a sign of mental illness, it is the appropriate response to a great loss.

Acceptance: Acceptance is often confused with being "all right" or "Okay" with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don't ever feel Okay about the loss. This stage is about accepting the reality that someone close to us is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is a permanent reality.

Now enter PTSD. As a result of our trauma, pain, and training, we are stuck in "tough guy" mode, we are by-and-large numb, and tend to react to most stressful things with anger (meet aggression with aggression). When we were in the forces, we didn't have time to grieve. Not only that, it was a distraction that could get you killed as well... so we stuffed that shit waaay down deep. But, we never truly grieved the losses of those around us, or the loss of our former selves.

My therapist has been trying to get me grieve, and I try (when she makes me) and you know what happens? The memories come rushing in, the numbness leaves, and emotion comes on...and a single tear comes out of my eye. Then, something in me changes. I become cold and numb again and clamp down hard on all that shit....

She keeps telling me that a good cry, sobbing is how she puts it, will help tremendously. But I just can't do it...yet.

 

[jackrabbit]

Amen, Fargo.

Every time--and I mean every single time--I start to do anything even resembling crying there's a voice in my head that mocks me for it. "Stow that shit, you f*cking pussy." "Look at you crying--you a f*cking baby?"

Now all I feel is a pressure behind my eyes and, like you, ever now-and-then a single tear slips through. Then I clamp down hard on that shit.

Tried talking last night and almost put my first through my wall.
SADNESS MAKE HULK SMASH! :p

 

[Spock]

Hey brother, if you were man enough to break the warrior stigma and seek treatment then you're man enough to cry. All in good time, let it happen when the time is right.