PTSD Is Destroying My Relationship

[shiraz]

I have cPTSD. My carer is fatigued. Symptoms are high most days and I am battling to keep them under control. I am ruining our lives.

• Every time I isolate so that I can equalize and ground myself, I feel desperately alone and lost amidst the chaos within and he feels rejected and lonely.
• Every time we are with his family and I hit overload and need to leave, I feel like a failure, like an inconvenience and he feels embarrassed and the irritation of having to submit to my needs and the injustice of having to cut his pleasant visit short when he is having a relaxing time.
• Every time I communicate what is happening to me so that he can understand where I am at and he says 'don't do this to me again!', I feel despair and devastation and like a little girl being reprimanded and he feels contempt for my weakness and anger for an uncontrollable situation.
• Every time I spend all day working against the triggers and intrusive thoughts and anxiety so that I can be calm when he gets home and I get triggered anyway I feel an endless and intolerable despair that I will be stuck in this hell forever.
• Every time I put my needs first so that I can diminish the chance of PTSD flare-up, I feel strong and right for my actions, but he feels frustrated that his needs are not accounted for.
• Every time I try to do what I know I should do for my healing and I know it limits his freedom, I feel selfish and intolerant and he feels neglected.
• Every time he ignores my pain and gets on with his life I feel scorned and rejected and lonely and he feels justified.
• Every time I spend out finance on therapy I feel distressed, ashamed and guilty. He does not make me feel this way.
• Every time I run/drive away blindly when in panic, he feels anguish and anger and I feel grief and dejection, humiliation and shame.
• Every time I let a household activity slip I feel apprehensive and anxious and like a miserable failure and he feels apprehension, anger and gloom.
• Every time I shut off emotionally, I feel regret and despair and so dead inside and he feels suspicious and angry and anxious.
• Every time he shouts at me for a PTSD reaction, he feels anger, fear and resentment and I feel insulted, humiliated, scorned and shamed.

......the list goes on.

PTSD, our incorrect, immature emotional responses and my inability to address cPTSD effectively, are driving a wedge between us and it leaves me feeling vulnerable, depressed and hopelessly insecure.


I am not looking for any 'fix it' ideas. We have a T for that.
I am not looking for sympathy ... that will just **** me off right now!

I know there are others who fight for their relationships to work and from your posts I know you despair too. Write about it here.


I am looking to give us a space to write about it WITHOUT judgment.

 

[TLight]

Oh Shiraz..........I'm so sorry.
You are in the midst of healing, in the rough stages, every emotion on the planet is overwhelming you right now........flooding.

Triggering for me was ultra apparant when I got into therapy. My abuse was about all I could talk about. I felt at the time with all the emotions being opened that it was in fact who I was.

Everything seemed connected to the abuse, every moment, every situation, every thing on the freakin planet..........

It was an awful time and I swore up and down I should never have gotten into therapy.........
I went through a 'relationship' of sorts.........well, he wasn't in love with me, I'm sure........or else he would have gotten off his duff and gotten at least a part time job when I begged him. I absolutely could not work.

This was amazingly about 3 years ago..........I was a maniac during the first stages of healing.......constantly saying I'm sorry, hating myself, hating life, hating everyone.......and the whole time thinking I was the ultimate out-of-control loser.......

This time will pass. I know it seems it won't. I know it is incredably difficult and you want to talk, talk, talk. Hell, I even said at a dinner party that I was mentally ill cause I was molested as a child. Just came out of nowhere.........seemed the only thing that was important.........I couldn't listen to anymore small talk.

This time will pass........Warwick has to try to understand what's happening, and I'm sure he does, but he gets tired too.......
It's bound to wear on a couple.

But just think, if you two can make it through this together.......you'll be so much closer and in love.......

I'm sending you some good energy today........

 

[CCurry]

Hi Shiraz,

I'm sorry you are both struggling through this. I am a carer and so while I can totally feel your frustrations through your comments I can also understand (being on your partners side) how frustrating it is for him.

When my partner shuts me out and disconnects I feel isolated and lonely too but every once in awhile he does or says something that lets me know that ya he really does love me. It might be a pat on the back, once in awhile he'll take my hand (without me initiating) or he's recently told me that I am such a good women, how lucky he is and that was an emotional moment for me (and him) just because we've been through so much especially over the last few months.

While I am not trying to give you an sort of advice, a little bit goes a long way and while we do our very best to be supportive it really does motivate us to keep on giving.

Carmela

 

[skyp56]

Shiraz, your list could be mine; I feel so much empathy for you! I worry every day that my husband will just get fed up and leave. I feel my daughter already has, in some way.

Just remember you are important as a person, no matter what! I keep seeing how much you help others, and that is priceless.

Blessings and comfort to you!

 

[becvan]

I am ruining our lives.

Not a suggestion.. but a friendly reminder. You are not your CPTSD. You are not ruining your life, CPTSD is (or more likely the symptoms.)

It's hard isn't it? I know I went through hell stages with Matt for awhile there. It was tough. Now we are more even keeled around here. I blamed myself quite often at first.

Now he is going through a rough patch with his PTSD. I am glad that we are close and have worked out many of these issues along the way. Otherwise it would be really ugly around here.

As it is.. it can be very stressful. I can't even imagine trying to do this right now with a romantic partner.. no way man.

bec

 

[bluejayway]

I am just starting on this rollercoaster ride with my husband, and he has started to seek information about carers and their struggles. I feel so guilty right now about how PTSD has affected our relationship, our home, and our finances. I am struggling to work but can barely muddle through even with splitting up my hours. I get paid on production, so the worse I perform, the less I get paid, and I'm honestly surprised I haven't gotten fired yet. As long as I stay in my little bubble of home, I don't have to face as much failure on my part. He says that even when he doesn't feel like it, he has to go to work, so I should just "suck it up" and work. I've got applications in at countless companies because I feel that getting out of the house would actually be a good thing for me as I've been working from home for over 7 years and want to be able to leave work at work for once. Okay, vent over for now - thanks for the thread.

Marisa

 

[cragger65]

I'm wondering how full your schedule is these days Shiraz... is it possible to make some more space for yourself?? I know that when I get busy, at first I pull everything together and "buck up", but it's only a matter of time before I get overwhelmed and feel like a pinball bouncing from one mini tragedy to the next, becuase I don't feel I have time to find center again between each thing.

I bring this up because he seemed to be getting fairly busier with life a while back, I'm just wondering if that's part of your pattern. I know it is with me.

take care and very best of luck working these things through,
Dave

 

[This Ends Now]

Shiraz,

I can relate to that list more than I would like to. Joseph and I have been to hell and back more than once. Its an exhausting journey, but I am glad we are traveling together. Even with our respective faults, we are stronger as a team than as individuals. This has been proven time and time again.

I wish you and your partner the best,

Liz H.

 

[midi]

It's great that you recognize the issues. You're facing it, and knowing what you're up against is a good start. May you heal.

 

[shiraz]

Terri, light in the darkness - when I see it through your eyes, I have hope. Thank you to all for you comments. I hurt for those of you who are hurting too and I pay for peace, healing for our relationships and for us all.

 

[ErikKristain]

When my girlfriend and I argue, I always run away. I tell her that I want to break up and I want to be alone. Those are all lies though. I want support from her and I never want to let her go. I get anxiety and stress, the only ways that I can relieve those are by running from my problems. I'm scared I'll become my issues.

You are very inspiring with your post because you are letting it all out.

 

[Wastinglight]

Hi @shiraz. I just read your original post with great interest. I know it's now very very old, but I can relate to much of what your partner feels.

Can I ask - what would you like your partner to do/say in situations when you are isolating from him? Do you want him to simply leave you alone and not talk to you?