Issues With Work

[Deleted member 43454]

You know I bust my ass while on the job regardless. Because well idle time my mind drifts. So I stay busy at this new employment where I'm basically a janitor/clean up guy of all the excess fat/meat that falls off the ham-line at the same shit hole slave factory I worked three years previously. Although it was much worse then. I'll be down there sweating my ass off, while co-workers are making hand gestures to slow down...
and take it easy.

Anyhow... so I'm now working for a sanitation company who's contracted by that meat processing plant. As you can imagine its not the ideal job. But paid weekly etc and It was all my networking could get me into. Wanted to see for myself if I could hold down a job... But barely a week and a half in already breaking my back shoveling all day.

Loud noises and bangs and clanks make me jump periodically through out the work day. And I just can't see myself working there much longer. So I'm beating myself up about it. Because there goes an extra bit of money each week. Thankfully my Aunt supports me a shit load by just simply understanding she can't fully understand but willingness to be there for me. And also rated at 70 percent just for PTSD.

I still haven't moved forward with making any steps to get anything upgraded. 70 percent was the cap because at that time I felt I could still work... and maintain a regular schedule. It's got me really pissed because I'm trying to figure out if I am lazy or if I can really put this on PTSD... I guess I just have to work with something I enjoy and doesn't stress me out.

 

[combatgoldfish]

Just remind yourself that this is temporary. Jobs are stepping stones to better jobs. In these times it's hard to get a job if you don't have one and things get easier to find when you have a job.

Eventually you'll get used to the noises and you'll learn to ignore them.

I hate my f*cking job but if I wasn't working if f*cking lose it. I'm slowly looking in other fields and areas for something better. It just takes time. Hang in there.

 

[BaMuoiBa]

Doc, It's progress! There are NO short cuts.

Because well idle time my mind drifts.

I did/do the same thing. It's about getting the hell out of my own way. When I'm between my own EARS I'm in deep sh%t!! Fortunately, I was able to "fake it till ya make it" for a lot of years. I had to find what gave me a little peace without the booze and there was not a whole lot to select from. But, you can't stop trying - the Beast is not a quitter. Being a productive being in life is a requirement both physical and mental well being - and it's not measured by other peoples standard.

You are the sole judge and the recipient of the rewards. Keep looking you'll find a niche that satisfies you needs. I did a whole bunch of stuff over the years that really SUCKED - ONLY because it was a means to doing what I needed to maintain a level of mental peace of mind. I still had to put food on the table and keep a roof over my head so as to enjoy the hobbies, volunteering, writing and the like. It is there the rewards of my work pay off. Lots of trial and error along the path of success. It's about balance Doc. In the beginning 4 shitty days at work balanced out to maybe 1 day doing/feeling good. Today it's 50/50 on a bad week so there is still room for improvement.

It's got me really pissed because I'm trying to figure out if I am lazy or if I can really put this on PTSD...

It's neither Doc, you are a wounded warrior of the worst sort, your wound is hidden. With all your vital parts in tact you can beat the "beast" - you keep plugging away.

Ba

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Thanks for the words of wisdom, means a lot.
I'm going to try and find a way to make money in a smarter less hard labor manor.
This job just isn't worth breaking my back over, or I'd suck it up and push on.
Also I think its better if I utilize the program at the VA for job's which will work with my PTSD and only be part time.

 

[JarHed]

Hey Doc,

Sometimes you just have to work to pay the bills, or like you said 'to find out if you could'. As CG said, jobs aren't permanent and they're a stepping stone to better ones. I understand how difficult it can be with everything you're trying to deal with. Find something you do like that isn't work so that you can have something to look forward to doing. As far as work is concerned think of what it is you'd like to be doing. Then figure out what you need to do to be doing that, school, training, ect. Make a plan and work the plan. I don't know how old you are but age just isn't a factor. Only if you let it be. I went back to school at 50 and got a degree in programming while I worked full time as a carpenter. I was motivated to make a change. I guess that's what I'm saying. If you don't like what you're doing now you can change that as well. Best of luck my Friend.

Jar

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Thanks Jar.
It's great to be able to communicate with those who have step by step walked the thousand mile road.
Before this forum I had searched google many times for "Combat Vet Success stories."
Just to see if anybody ever made it successfully while dealing with the beast in any line of work.

 

[combatgoldfish]

Did you ever use your GI bill?

 

[Deleted member 43454]

I used post 9/11. I was part of the whole "PTSD, non-deployable kick em out" phase so I didn't get the GI Bill with a Gen. Under Honorable.
I did one year of Electrical Engineering but that was not by choice really I have a bad habit of putting myself against a rock and a hard place.
Was the closest school, livin with relatives, girlfriend, all that mess. The stress I dealt with at that time is what really worsened my PTSD symptoms.
On the drive back up to Iowa from Texas I had hallucinated in New Mexico and saw a man wearing afghan robes walking with a cane middle of no where, pitch black out. I had to piss, but I went ahead and held that shit for awhile lol. I don't want to utilize the rest of my benefits until I'm sure I can follow through.

 

[Friday]

There are certain jobs that all but eat my PTSD stuff. Even when I'm in a bad place, the Beast is either curled up and purring, or put to work his damn self and loving it. :sneaky: I miss this kind of work f*cking bad right now. Keeps me sane, ya know. Or at least it helps instead of making things worse.

There are other jobs that flat out make shit worse. Sometimes I can stubborn them out, but there's gonna be a cost to doing that at the end of it. Um. Or sooner. I have seriously hurt myself stubborning shit out I should have turned on heel and walked away from.

Only sometimes is it the type of work that defines either.

Trends? For sure. Like if I'm working in a restaurant, you'll usually find me laughing in the kitchen, busting my ass with the music blaring. Cause the Beast doesn't handle waitressing very well (10,000 pointless lies makes my teeth itch, and the kitchen is loud, but honest). But I've had an absolute blast serving in one bar, and durn near killed someone working in a kitchen. Not my fault the kitchen staff in that place were a bunch of c*nts. Hell. I was even in a good place before I started there.

Meanwhile... There are jobs I could spend most of my life doing, probably, and restaurants don't even make the long list, much less the short one. They just happen to be everywhere, so if I need a little cash on the quick? They're a means to an end.

Trust your instincts, Black. If you can't, cause we get too damn used to not biting people when we want to, & will defend others to the ground but suck it up ourselves, imagine it's anyone else there. If it were me, or CGF, anyone else but you looking the way you're feeling? Do you laugh & say suck it up buttercup, or oh hell no? If you'd be telling anyone else to get the f*ck out, follow your own lead.

 

[JarHed]

I think it's despicable for the military to 'kick you out' when you have PTSD and then on top of it not give you and Honorable Discharge. There are so many in Washington that need an ass kicking that my foot would probably fall off in the process. It would be worth it though.

 

[Sludge]

I used post 9/11. I was part of the whole "PTSD, non-deployable kick em out" phase so I didn't get the GI Bill with a Gen. Under Honorable.
I did one year of Electrical Engineering but that was not by choice really I have a bad habit of putting myself against a rock and a hard place.
Was the closest school, livin with relatives, girlfriend, all that mess. The stress I dealt with at that time is what really worsened my PTSD symptoms.
On the drive back up to Iowa from Texas I had hallucinated in New Mexico and saw a man wearing afghan robes walking with a cane middle of no where, pitch black out. I had to piss, but I went ahead and held that shit for awhile lol. I don't want to utilize the rest of my benefits until I'm sure I can follow through.

If you in western iowa, you should come see me at my office. can introduce people that can help you out for free. Plus I make them all drink Navy Coffee which is entertainment in itself.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

I'm south eastern Iowa on the border of Illinois currently Sludge.