Well...everything Has Gone To Hell....

[Sludge]

Gah.

So now she decided she wants to try some couple's/marriage counselling.
<facepalm>

 

[vikingr24]

Touchy, touchy thing is marriage counseling. Sometimes it is set up to lose no matter what you do or say. Been there, done that. Watch for counselors that always assume the man is wrong, and they are out there. Good luck. Shop around if you are not comfortable with one. Marriage counseling is the easiest to get into in most states.

 

[Sludge]

Touchy, touchy thing is marriage counseling. Sometimes it is set up to lose no matter what you do or say. Been there, done that. Watch for counselors that always assume the man is wrong, and they are out there. Good luck. Shop around if you are not comfortable with one. Marriage counseling is the easiest to get into in most states.

found one that caters specifically to military PTSD marriages. At this point its cheaper than divorce

 

[atilla]

Thats good Brother. Ptsd in a marriage has so much more things to take into consideration. It's good to look at different options. Maybe your wife will learn a few things about ptsd. If we can just get our significant others to understand just a little about "why" we are the way we are, its progress. Just hang in there Brother. You got this. :)

 

[Sludge]

I wish it were that simple. I predict she will give up the first time the therapist tells her she is just as much to blame as me (or something similar). Good news is I'll have more than enough cash on hand for a retainer...

 

[dutchiedelta]

Sludge, straight up, what would YOU want?

 

[Raven]

WTF? It's not the marriage counselor's job to act as the judge and deem who's right and who's wrong. That would be way out of line. Any counselor who does this shit is terrible at his or her job.

While shopping around for a marriage counselor a while back, we encountered one who was like this. I got up and walked out after 20 minutes. Every other counselor I have encountered and mentioned this to agreed that's a bad tactic.

 

[Friday]

Fair warning Sludge... My divorce cost me 80k. Woulda been worse if we'd gone to court instead of mediation (another 20k retainer, and retainers only half the estimated total cost). Contentious doesn't even begin to describe it. f*ckin ugly. Just speaking for myself, I'd have done better taking that 80k and walking. Stay legally married, but start over on my own with my kid in Kosovo or somewhere, instead of trying to do things by the book.

Still hoping the best for you two (whichever way that goes, together or apart), but I was too gutted to think outside the box, back when. Just a random : Don't be me! kind of warning.

 

[Sludge]

WTF? It's not the marriage counselor's job to act as the judge and deem who's right and who's wrong. That would be way out of line. Any counselor who does this shit is terrible at his or her job.

While shopping around for a marriage counselor a while back, we encountered one who was like this. I got up and walked out after 20 minutes. Every other counselor I have encountered and mentioned this to agreed that's a bad tactic.

That is completely true. But in this case it was exactly what I was looking for. The only way to get a know it all, self centered control freak into some therapy is to make them think they are always right and it was their idea. With the sort of personality my wife has become, for now it is the only way to get her in the door.

As for couples counselling, the therapists and I agree it was a better idea to get her to go on her own for a bit before we do the couples thing. She agreed to that course of action. Personally Ill believe it when I see it.

Fair warning Sludge... My divorce cost me 80k. Woulda been worse if we'd gone to court instead of mediation (another 20k retainer, and retainers only half the estimated total cost). Contentious doesn't even begin to describe it. f*ckin ugly. Just speaking for myself, I'd have done better taking that 80k and walking. Stay legally married, but start over on my own with my kid in Kosovo or somewhere, instead of trying to do things by the book.

Still hoping the best for you two (whichever way that goes, together or apart), but I was too gutted to think outside the box, back when. Just a random : Don't be me! kind of warning.

In this case a divorce is less than a grand for me. No kids together. Only shared property is the house and one car. I don't want or need that car, but she has to refinance it to keep it(which she does not have the credit rating to do, and legally I can retain the car until she does so). As for the house, she can't afford it. I can. The house is in my name and on a VA loan. Haven't owned the house long enough to have any equity, so she is screwed there too. I don't even need to refinance to remove her name when and if we do get divorced. I just fill out a form with the VA and they drop her.

I suspect these are a few of the reasons she "decided" to try and work things out. She doesn't make enough to live on her own. She has no money and nowhere to go. She has alienated everyone in her life, so she can't even go couchsurfing. In other words she has burned so many bridges, and is so financially mired, she really has no choice other than pull her head out of her ass and act like an adult, or f*ck off and live in the streets.

I'd prefer she choose the former over the latter.

 

[Friday]

That sucks. Being needed is almost as good as being wanted. But only almost.

3 cheers towards the hopes of the craniorectalectomy.

 

[Raven]

Be careful about giving her the ultimatum of change or gtfo. In the event of a divorce, she could be entitled to alimony since she's financially dependent on you and she might even get to keep the house and a car! The courts don't care whose name that shit is in.

I'm terrified that could happen if my husband and I split. I've inadvertently burnt all his bridges for him because his family is shitty and his friends were shitty. It's not my fault they wanted to sever contact with him after his crazy ass wife decided to make their lives shitty!

Family court would be even more likely to side with a woman who's dependent than a man who's dependent.

 

[Sludge]

Be careful about giving her the ultimatum of change or gtfo. In the event of a divorce, she could be entitled to alimony since she's financially dependent on you and she might even get to keep the house and a car! The courts don't care whose name that shit is in.

I'm terrified that could happen if my husband and I split. I've inadvertently burnt all his bridges for him because his family is shitty and his friends were shitty. It's not my fault they wanted to sever contact with him after his crazy ass wife decided to make their lives shitty!

Family court would be even more likely to side with a woman who's dependent than a man who's dependent.

No worries there. I operate under the guidance of my lawyer these days. Entertainingly enough, once she realized she couldn't even afford a lawyer herself, and that I had one, and that she has dug herself into a deep financial pit that she is the sole legal responsibility of, all of the sudden she is "getting help" through the AtEase program...

As for the shared property, what little there is, the VA and the bank have signed off on removing her from the mortgage as we are in a "separated status". So, she can't get the house unless she wants to buy it off me to the tune of 98k. That is likely the only instance where not owning it long enough to have any equity is a good thing! The only catch is her car, which is in both names, but my lawyer assures me I will not be held responsible for it as our joint financial records demonstrate that she is fiscally incapable of getting it in the first place without me as a co-signer even though she has the larger income of that which is reportable. We got married after I was long out, so she can't touch my pension or entitlements either.

Things are much better around here now that she has calmed down and learned the hard way it really is and was her, not me, that is to blame. At Ease is working with her and it appears to be making the difference.

However, this is likely all just a ploy to buy her more time while she figures out who she can siphon off of next. I for one no longer care at this point. I have full control of the finances and suddenly all the bills are paid up and everyone has money left over. Sometimes I hate it when I am right...