Weakness In Me

[ChrisCombat]

I have severe PTSD. As you guys can imagine it's hell. 3 years ago I broke up with my ex. Ever since I have been alone and fine with it. I have distanced myself from everybody and everything that requires affection. I could never see myself being close to someone ever again. What I have seen can never be unseen.

Until 6 months ago, she came along. She crawled her way into my heart. Sounds weird putting it that way, didn't think I even had one anymore. Never met any civilian so understanding. I thought I could never say it, but she gets me. In a way. Without talking. She sees when people are hurting somehow. But she deserves so much more than me. I am broken piece of shit. I can't understand how she puts up with me or how she can love me.

I feel weak for admitting that I need her. When she is around my PTSD is tolerable. She comforts me. I am bleeding out right now, drowning in my own filth, it's ripping my heart out that I can't be the man she deserves. I have a back injury and from time to time I need a cane. I am f*cking disabled f*ck possessed by demons. How can she be with someone like me? I am going to f*ck it up just like I always do.

I am selfish for not letting her go, for not leaving. She puts up with my night terrors, she puts up with my break downs. She is so fragile and I can't protect her. Protect her from me. I am going to ruin her, like I have destroyed everything good that was in my life. I don't deserve her. I f*cking love her. I hate feeling.

 

[Woodman]

whoa dude. have you tried cpt or similar? i feel your pain man but you're reachin out so I'm just sayin.

 

[atilla]

Chris, that woman see's the true man you are no matter what the pts beast puts out. Society today is full of oxygen thieves who hate us for our service. We feel alone and guilty because not all of our Brothers came home with us, but you know they would want you be happy and living. Your woman is just doing what every one of your buddies would do..have your back, no matter what. Hang on to her Brother. She's your battle buddie in the war against PTS(The beast). Hooah!

 

[bobbybob]

Gday mate! I would like to start like pretty much every one of us in this forum would and say I feel your pain. I am one of the lucky ones; however, that have a girl that is very empathetic to my ptsd. I have tried to push her away countless times, But she has always stuck by me. The key I have found is even though we have Ptsd, we are still human (even though it doesnt feel like it all the time) and deserve to be treated with love and affection. God I know the only reason I am still here is because of my wife. my wife is the reason I fight my demons every day and night.
I would say, hold on to what makes you strong and use that motivation to keep you progressing through your treatment!

You are one in a million to find a partner that is so supportive to your condition. Good luck mate and hope your struggles find a good conclusion.

 

[Sarg]

Got cut off at the knees when I lost mine. Kinda like trying to drive a car up on two wheels. Now I have a private therapist, private shrink and Vet Center group meetings. It's hell trying to keep on the straight and narrow. I feel things starting to rumble and I have to stop, take a deep breath and make sure I'm not just blowing something up out of proportions.

I'm a fatalist. If anything can go wrong it will. Wife was counter to that. Optimism thick as honey. We balanced each other.

If you have a good one, that helps, hold on to her (or him for the ladies) with everything you've got. Cause believe me, they're everything you've got.

Sarg

 

[Deleted member 43610]

Some good advice by other members here! I mirror a lot of your feelings. It has been roughly 8 years since my separation and divorce. My ex just didn't like how I was when I finally got home, she felt it wasn't worth her time to deal with my pain. I have never been abusive, strung out, drunk, etc, etc... But I was never "there".

I haven't even dated. I always told myself I'm too broken to be in a relationship. One relationship I did try and develop, she ended up always trying to "fix" me. Nurse me back to health. It was not good. After talking to my therapist, we came up with some really good stuff which has helped so I will share.

We need to remember these things. Everyone has down sides they bring to a relationship. Nobody is perfect. I will use myself as an example. I have severe C-PTSD. I relate to most of the frustrations that come with what we are experiencing. I am the first person to say that I shouldn't be in a relationship because I'm so broken, I wouldn't want to put a significant other through what it takes to "be with me".

*MAIN POINT* But there is another way to look at it. The woman I am talking to now has put a whole new perspective on how I look at myself. What she tells me she sees is an honorable, trustworthy, loving, caring, honest, loyal, sincere, selfless, never-say-die... (etc, etc, etc) person. And that all the goodness that has developed in me, from all my good and bad life experiences has made me who I am now. And that she would rather "be with me" with my "quirks" from dealing with PTSD than what she sees her friends go through with their husbands who have never been through ANY hardships. She feels that my weakness are my strengths. She insists that my good traits (which came from hardships and time in war as well as the good aspects of my military service) are much more attractive to her than the stigma I put on myself as a burden in a relationship. She feels that me seeing the worst in life has made me appreciate good.

To Chris, the OP, I suggest trying to look at what you bring to the relationship rather than what you don't. And on an end note... my advice... take it for what you paid for it, nothing, but even with PTSD you probably bring a lot of positives to a relationship especially when you consider all the whiney bitches out there for the women to choose from! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And if you can find someone who truly sees that, at least give it a hard, long, look.

To make a long story short... I (dare I say we?) expect too much from ourselves sometimes. Sometimes we need to reverse our thinking and quit looking at our shortfall (which everyone has) and concentrate at what our positives. We can be aware of of "quirks". Anyone who sees and understands their "weakness" can turn that into a "strength".

I spent well about two hours trying to word this correctly and spread some positive energy in OUR forum. I'm here for help, too. What I have typed about I haven't perfected in my life, I'm here to work on me, too. But hopefully I can spread some of what I have learned to others here as I learn from others. Your not alone, your not abnormal, you will "heal" enough to make it. But I won't lie, it is a lot of work.

Inner peace my brothers and sisters, we have looked evil straight in the eye and didn't blink! Remember, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger! Hope this helps, it wasn't easy for me to be this honest about this subject.

 

[dutchiedelta]

Hiya Chris, it's easy to see your "negative" sides. She sees them perhaps and sees the "positive" ones as well.
Let her decide for herself if she wants to be with you or not.

If at all possible, maybe you can get used to the idea you are loved for who you are now.
Life isn't perfect and your lady seems not to be looking for that perfect partner.
Simple because they don't exist.

I wish you to enjoy the good things in life, small and great.

 

[Jimmy1]

@ChrisCombat, You have to fix yourself first mate. How can you expect any type of relationship if you are a f*cked unit. I am a real mess right now myself, but I am working on me for me. Margaret has chosen to come along for the ride and help me.

As for feeling weak because you admit you need her. Pfft. Harden up, it takes a 'Real' man to admit he needs someone. Just saying.,

@bobbybob, we are the lucky ones here. I am in a real mess right now and have tried to push my wife away countless times.

 

[Friday]

If they accept our crazy, seems the least we can do is accept that they have the right to be equally f*cking insane, and want to be with us.

Hard lesson learned: Don't make other people's decisions for them.

Show them the respect of letting them be a damn fool and stick around, even though we love 'em and want them as far away as possible.

 

[vikingr24]

Chris,

I got a divorce 8 years ago and thought pretty much as you do now. It's called self-concept and you gotta work on it. Remember the positive things that are in you and shine'em up. Work on what you perceive to be negative like angry thoughts about yourself. Turn them around or just quit thinking them. Recognize that you cannot read people's mind. And if you have to fight, which is natural, fight fair and honest, especially when you are fighting your Self.

I got married again 6 years ago and it was the best thing I have ever done. Every time I get those shaky thoughts and begin thinking a nightmare or flashback is going to happen, I remember I have (to me) the best lookin' woman in the world and by God she loves me.

Everything begins all over again and it's fresh and new.

 

[Raven]

This discussion reminds me of a stupid image I saved to my hard drive, and I look at it from time to time when I feel really lonely.

I have just undergone my second divorce. I'm only 28. He had The Beast too. While I saw the best in him (and he might eventually admit that he saw the best in me too), we brought out the worst in each other.

 

[vikingr24]

Some deep diving there, Raven. Well done. Like it.