Well, Shit...

[CyclePath]

...after 11 years I have finally accepted that I need some help and went to Mental Health. I've been serving for 27 years in a very small closed loop community that I will not name. I have completed more than 20 deployments, but three particular back-to-back deployments (03, 04, & 05) to Iraq left their mark. I thought about getting help in 2006, but I got cold feet; you guys know the stigma... By 2009 nightmares, insomnia, alcohol, and hyperviglance turned into panic attacks and I went to medical thinking I was having a heart attack; they bandaged me together for a while. Although they highly recommended that I go to Mental Health, I didn't figuring that they would take my dive and demo pay/status. Simply sucked it up, buried it, buried myself in work, and led on. Anyway, since then things have only gotten worse/more frequent and the last three months have been hell with no breaks. After feeling like I was going to have a panic attack for about three weeks straight, two of them while on leave, I finally went to the psychiatrist. No surprises, they confirmed what I have known for years - PTSD. They only good thing about it so far is that trazodone keeps me from hearing mice stomping around in the yard all night long and I can sleep a little better in between nightmares. I'm going to retire. At least I've got that going for me because who the hell is going to hire a 45 year old vet with PTSD.

 

[oldschool1]

I have one major regret...after vietnam I let my memories take over my life ...I wish I had been smart enough to understand what I was doing to myself..if I knew then what I know now PTSD would not have gotten the strangle hold I allowed it to have in my life..what I did is run away and hide ..I became one pissed off man ..the end result is a life of isolation and distrust...treat PTSD like an ambush..ASSAULT with vengeance ...it will be the hardest fight you will have but if you let it persist it will control your life and those around you,..I wish I had an answer as to the right treatment but I don't.. just fight with all your might ..PTSD bullshit will eat you alive..good luck my friend

 

[CyclePath]

Thanks, oldschool. That's my plan now that I am at whits end. Just frustrating to me that I can put my finger right on the problems and yet I cannot make this shit go away and had to ask for help. I don't even know much about treatment options at this point and have only seen the psychologist twice. She has mentioned a program at Walter Reed, NICoE, that she wants me to attend. Looks like a good program to me...

 

[oldschool1]

that is great...move forward...the meds only mask the issues so be careful with them...this is about you getting things straightens out..please don't let anyone hold you back...kick the shit out of the beast..make it happen friend... .man I wish I could have talked to me 45 years ago LOL....

 

[CyclePath]

I am concerned with the meds, but I needed to sleep and clear my head. They also recommended citalopram because I was pretty much a walking train-wreck when I went in to see them. Too many intrusive thoughts beating the shit out of me and I need a break to get things sorted out.

 

[oldschool1]

I totally understand..the meds can give you some room but they can also make it look like things a better...they are not, you will have to deal with the shit now or later, later can be a lifetime wasted...sleep is over rated but I would sure like to get more than my standard 4 hours.....sounds like I have it figured out ...I don't... I depend on meds to get thru the day...

 

[dutchiedelta]

You're both thinking along healthier lines Oldschool and Cyclepath. If things didn't work well in the past, just find a new way.
Keep it up and just ask what you cannot find in the archives.

 

[Outlaw7]

CyclePath, brother - we're all here for ya. I had issues with the meds as well, and only took them for about a week - I found other ways, but they still haunt me at times. I know how you feel about who's going to hire a 45 yo vet with PTSD - luckily, I found a consulting gig - but I had to go overseas to do it. Luckily, not in IZ or AFG - I don't think I could do that...

 

[FieldArtilleryGuy]

I'm 31, 100% va disabled, and haven't worked since 2011 when I got out of the army. I start a job tomorrow (granted its part time) and I will only do that till I start another job that is much better and full time. (Granted both jobs are nothing compared to what my wife and many others will do, but I want to work, I don't have to.) my only point is the jobs are out there if you are willing to do them. Also you might get a good VA% so working might not be a big deal.

 

[CyclePath]

THX - DutchieD
Outlaw - Glad you found something to do. The overseas gig is not for me, I think that I want to stick around the house with the wife and kids.
FieldAG - Good point. I'm just starting to get into the whole transition frame of mind, so I have a lot to learn regarding the VA and everything else...

 

[FieldArtilleryGuy]

I had to fight every step of the way with the VA. If you need any help please ask, I would hate for anyone to need to do the research that I did. I get headaches so research isn't easy. I hope you have an easier time than I did. Good luck.

 

[Iceman]

cycle, big word of advice re the shrinks. be honest with both yourself and them during the sessions.
don't be the soldier you were during a session, let it out.
it is hard in the beginning, as we do not want to admit out weaknesses.

also, Inquire about EMDR therapy.